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| Mon, 06-05-2006 - 2:42pm |
Many of you posted in my thread "I want that loving feeling again" and after many replies (thank you for those that posted) I have decided I'm going to make an effort.
My hubby and I had a talk last night and we both know we are distant (we've only been married a few months) He told me that he's tired of always giving (For those that don't know, please read my other thread)
As you may have read in my other thread, I am not the most affectionate person and my hubby knows that I don't initiate it, therefore, I really don't know how to start showing affection.
Can you give me suggestions on
(1) How can I show affection
(2) How can I show my appreciation
Thank in advance.

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Ok, you've made some very good points in the above paragraph that I never even thought of.
My hubby will not go to marriage counseling because I have already asked him. It was about a month ago when I asked and he said "I don't want to go to marriage counseling. We've only been married a few months and I don't see the point in going". That is what he said. You know, I would have thought he would go, after all, this is his THIRD marriage. I get the impression, he can take me or leave me and it still wouldn't bother him. Maybe that's why he won't go. Anyways, since he won't go, neither will I. I feel BOTH partners need to go in order to make the marriage work.
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No, I didn't text him I missed him. However, I did text him that I love him. In fact I did that last night. I also have text him wishing him a Happy Birthday. He left me a message last night saying that I was the only one that acknowledged his birthday. His daughter and step son didn't even call (eventhough my Hubby is out of town) nor did they text him. But I guess what kind of hurt is my hubby never thanked me for sending him the text.
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He knows I don't initiate affection. Let's say I start initiating affection...well...he's going to know that I don't initiate it. What should I tell him? If I start initiating affection, I don't want to have a discussion "why" I'm starting to initiate it.
Here's another thing. I have started just a tad on initiating affection. Before he left out of town, I went up and gave him a hug. Also, before he left I initiated holding his hand twice in a week. I've also come up behind him while he was doing dishes and wrapped my arms around him. Before he left town, I asked him if he has been noticing me initiating affection and he said "Yes, just a little", but then his next sentence was "But I know you don't initiate affection". Therefore, I think I'm in a no-win situation even if I do inititate it.
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I thought I recognized you. You posted in my first thread. By the way, yes, I bought the book the day I read your posts. I also bought the book "The Proper care and Feeding Husband by Laura Schlessinger". I thought buying this book would help, but things have changed a little since I bought the book. I think I feel even more hurt. I'm starting to feel unloved. Maybe that's why I've been questioning him (Do you still love me? Do you miss me?) He doesn't call me "Babe", "honey" anymore, nor does he say "I love you" when he has to leave me a voice message.
I will admit something, I did a few things for him (hoping he will appreciate it). I created 5 cd's with his favorite artist/songs. So, I told him this the other day. And do you know what he said first. "What kind of music". So, I told him his favorite artist. You would think the first thing he would say is "Thank You". But after I told him what artist/songs that I had on the cd's, he did "thank" me. However, it would have been nice to be thanked first.
I also washed and waxed his car and cleaned the inside of his car too. What alot of work. Took 3 hours. But I'm not going to tell him the time I put in it. I just hope when I tell him that I washed/waxed his car, it would be nice to be appreciated.
So, I guess I am still somewhat trying. I've been trying a little bit of affection and doing things to show my appreciation to him. I just don't know if it will still help or if it is too late.
casey,
<< Anyways, since he won't go, neither will I. I feel BOTH partners need to go in order to make the marriage work.
yes, it'd be ideal if both of you went, but i think that if you want to go, you should, even if it means going alone. let's face it, our thoughts/advice/etc on here are great, but they're not exactly professional help, ya know? i think, IMHO, that aside from the marriage problems, it would really help you with self-esteem, insecurities issues.
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why not? the answer is simple - you realize that there are ways you can better communicate (and by that i don't mean verbal communication, i mean communicating affection and appreciation) and you're doing things to help your marriage. how can he argue with you making the effort? :-)
and, i've read in earlier posts about how you've argued about him not wanting to change you, etc. there is nothing wrong with change. it happens. your relationship is going to evolve. and when there are things that you can do to make your relationship better for BOTH of you, and those are positive things, embrace that. i'm glad that you're making the effort and that you are willing to make this marriage work. but don't let him throw this whole "i don't want to change you" bit in your face. i don't understand why he always says that.
now of course, there are some things about people that don't change, and shouldn't. for example, one of the reasons i fell in love with my DH is his sense of humor - he's so silly and completely unpredictable with it. i obviously can't tell him he needs to grow up and stop goofing off, right?
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keep on trying to initiate affection. like i said, i think it's great that you're taking steps to make things better. what i wonder though is, after he said that he did notice your efforts and that he knows you don't initiate...did he say anything else? what did he mean, exactly? i'm puzzled by that because, it needed to be followed by something like he thanks you and appreciates your effort and that he likes it when you show affection. some kind of encouragement would really help, right? don't give up though.
stop questioning his feelings. that's just annoying, and one of the reasons i recommended counseling for you. dh & i try to tell each other i love you and have a good day before we leave and give kisses when we come home, and most times we do, but sometimes we don't. and on days we don't, it's not personal, and doesn't mean we're heading for divorce court, just that we got caught up. but it's no biggie.
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i think you're reading too much into that - accept the thanks and leave it alone. don't borrow trouble!
i think you guys can work this out. just keep trying. you'll find that it comes easier. you two need to keep communicating your needs with each other honestly to get to a place where you're both comfortable with your level of exchanging affections.
hang in there!
anna
Just a quick one from me now....it's 8:10am and I'm rushing to work....
>>I also have text him wishing him a Happy Birthday. He left me a message last night saying that I was the only one that acknowledged his birthday. His daughter and step son didn't even call (eventhough my Hubby is out of town) nor did they text him. But I guess what kind of hurt is my hubby never thanked me for sending him the text<<
He may not have used the words "thank you" but he WAS thanking you in this sentence! He was grateful that you sent him the text, while sad that his kids didn't send one.
And the CD gift? If the CDs were unlabeled, I would also have said "what's this?" before saying thank you.
More tonight (Australian time)
Following on from my previous post
>>My hubby will not go to marriage counseling because I have already asked him. It was about a month ago when I asked and he said "I don't want to go to marriage counseling. We've only been married a few months and I don't see the point in going"<<
What reasoning did you give him for why you want to go to marriage conselling? Also, were you having a calm discussion at the time of asking or fighting?
>>this is his THIRD marriage<<
Out of curiosity, why did his prior two marriages end? Can you relate to any of the reasons? Have you met either of the ex wives?
On the same subject, how long have your longest relationships been and why did they end?
>>Anyways, since he won't go, neither will I. I feel BOTH partners need to go in order to make the marriage work<<
Even if you don't do marriage counselling, you could most certainly do with individual counselling. When I read your posts, I get a strong impression that you don't know what to expect of a marriage. Perhaps counselling could help you figure it out. I'm also detecting some serious insecurity issues on your part. Counselling would help this too.
>>But I guess what kind of hurt is my hubby never thanked me for sending him the text<<
Touched on that subject in my last post.
>>What should I tell him? If I start initiating affection, I don't want to have a discussion "why" I'm starting to initiate it<<
Huge mistake on your part. Communication will be the crux of fixing your marriage. If you don't want to have a discussion about the ways you're helping the marriage, I don't see much hope for the future of your marriage.
>>I asked him if he has been noticing me initiating affection and he said "Yes, just a little", but then his next sentence was "But I know you don't initiate affection". Therefore, I think I'm in a no-win situation even if I do inititate it.<<
I could be wrong, but I'm detecting sarcasm in his wording. How did you respond to his comment? And what did he say in return?
>>I also bought the book "The Proper care and Feeding Husband by Laura Schlessinger". I thought buying this book would help, but things have changed a little since I bought the book<<
Not surprising. From what I understand, that book would only be of use if you are in training to be a Stepford Wife. Or like Bree in Desperate Housewives.
>>He doesn't call me "Babe", "honey" anymore, nor does he say "I love you" when he has to leave me a voice message<<
Some people just aren't into pet names. Perhaps he stopped using them when the infatuation period wore off. Regarding saying "I love you" on a voice message...perhaps he's at work or with others when leaving the message. Perfectly good reasons for not saying "I love you". Many people (thankfully) aren't into public displays of affection.
The two of you have to TALK and you have to stop analysing everything that he does. If not in counselling, then at home. However, if he won't do counselling and you won't discuss why you're trying to become affectionate, I despair for your marriage.
Just as an aside, read my post below called 'His Diary / Her Diary'. It's a perfect example of how over analysing a man's actions can lead to misery and despair. You don't want to end up like that fictional writer do you?
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I'm not sure. Probably both.
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His first wife cheated on him and his second wife was just pure stupidity (his quote). No I have not met either of his wives. I'm sure down the road I will met his first wife because they have kids together and I wouldn't have a problem meeting her. However, the second wife is a total b****.
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My longest relationship was 3 yrs. The reason why it ended is I don't think I was really into him. I will say that he always initiated affection and we NEVER had a problem with it. Because I have never had an issue with affection with any of my ex boyfriends (until now), I guess I just don't get why initiating affection is a big deal.
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If he were to ask me that he is going golfing with some female friends, I wouldn't have a problem with it because I trust him. So, I don't understand why you think I have insecurity issues.
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Usually I would communicate but it seems like everytime we do, I pick the wrong time or its what I say or how I say it, I guess. I'm just not very tactful. So, I thought if I expressed myself on paper and give it to him, I'm better at communicating by writing it down. By the way, I do have a card to give him. You know, its one of those blue mountain type cards, however, I just don't know the appropriate time to give it to him.
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No, he wasn't sarcastic at all. In fact, it was one of the rarest times we actually talked without yelling/screaming.
>>Not surprising. From what I understand, that book would only be of use if you are in training to be a Stepford Wife. Or like Bree in Desperate Housewives.>>
I've read from several readers that it is a good book. By the way, I've never watched a single episode of Desperate Housewives, therefore don't know who Bree is.
>>Some people just aren't into pet names. Perhaps he stopped using them when the infatuation period wore off. Regarding saying "I love you" on a voice message...perhaps he's at work or with others when leaving the message. Perfectly good reasons for not saying "I love you". Many people (thankfully) aren't into public displays of affection.>>
Actually my hubby has always used them. Its just I noticed the last several weeks he hasn't.
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Why are you opposed to PDA?
I like to be appreciated. You don't necessary have to do something for me, but a "thank you" goes along way with me. When my hubby and I were dating, he would thank me all the time. When we got married, he kept thanking me at first and then about a month after we got married, he would only thanked me here and there. One of the examples is I used to make coffee for him in the morning before he left work, but I hardly got a thank you. So, I thought, I'll make coffee one more time. I told my hubby that I made him coffee and he said "ok". Well, that has been the last time I made him coffee. So my point is if I felt appreciated by him, I might do more for him including the initiating of affection.
I guess right now we are both in each other's shoes; he doesn't feel loved and I don't feel appreciated.
Edited 6/13/2006 1:04 pm ET by casey0201
Edited 6/13/2006 4:06 pm ET by casey0201
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Out of curiosity, how am I supposed to "discuss" with him why I am initiating affection.
Me: Hi hubby. I'm letting you know I'm initiating affection.
Hubby: I know you don't initiate affection. I don't want to change you
Me: Well, that discussion went well.
I know I'm being a bit sarcastic, but I just don't know how to bring this up in a discussion.
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>I'm not sure. Probably both<
>>I guess I just don't get why initiating affection is a big deal<<
You husband has stopped initiating and it's a big deal to you! He's giving you a taste of what it's like to have a partner not give affection and you hate it. Need I say any more?
If you want someone to do something that's out of their comfort zone, you have to present some good, strong reasons why. Just wanting to go is not good enough. He needs to understand that you feel this marriage is at breaking point.
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>If he were to ask me that he is going golfing with some female friends, I wouldn't have a problem with it because I trust him. So, I don't understand why you think I have insecurity issues.<
Mainly because you fear rejection when you initate affection. And because you're aware of how many seconds it takes him to return the caress. If you had personal security, you would not have these fears.
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>Usually I would communicate but it seems like everytime we do, I pick the wrong time or its what I say or how I say it, I guess. I'm just not very tactful. So, I thought if I expressed myself on paper and give it to him, I'm better at communicating by writing it down. By the way, I do have a card to give him. You know, its one of those blue mountain type cards, however, I just don't know the appropriate time to give it to him.<
So, work on improving your communication skills! Don't just give up. Again, good case for marriage counselling - they can help give you strategies.
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>No, he wasn't sarcastic at all. In fact, it was one of the rarest times we actually talked without yelling/screaming.<
In that case, I suspect it was said with a tone of resignation.
>>Not surprising. From what I understand, that book would only be of use if you are in training to be a Stepford Wife. Or like Bree in Desperate Housewives.>>
>>Some people just aren't into pet names. Perhaps he stopped using them when the infatuation period wore off. Regarding saying "I love you" on a voice message...perhaps he's at work or with others when leaving the message. Perfectly good reasons for not saying "I love you". Many people (thankfully) aren't into public displays of affection.>>
>Actually my hubby has always used them. Its just I noticed the last several weeks he hasn't<
Yeah, well he's annoyed at the state of your marriage. I suppose that this change in him is a reasonable reaction.
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>Why are you opposed to PDA?<
I think they're tacky.
>>One of the examples is I used to make coffee for him in the morning before he left work, but I hardly got a thank you. So, I thought, I'll make coffee one more time. I told my hubby that I made him coffee and he said "ok".<<
One doesn't have to say "thank you" to give thanks. Does go AHHHHHH when he takes the first sip? Or perhaps he makes coffee for you on other occaisions? Either action would classify as thanks.
**trying very hard to not cause offence**
It would appear that you don't agree with what we posters are telling you. May I ask what you're hoping to get from us? Perhaps there is something we're missing?
And, (to use the phrase of a marriage counsellor) do you want this marriage to work? Have you asked your husband if he wants this marriage to work?
>>My hubby has been out of town and we had a talk a couple of days ago. He says I don't want to be close because I don't initiate any affection. He said he doesn't even know if I am attracted to him. I asked him "how do you know I don't want to be close" and he says "Because you never initiate anything". He also told me he is hurt and feels rejected.
Maybe I'm wrong, but just because I don't initiate affection doesn't mean I don't want to be close because I DO!! What do you guys think?<<
I think he is probably telling you the truth. A lot of men feel the way that he does about partners who never initiate physical contact or sex. And you'd probably feel rejected if he weren't initiating too, right?
Men communicate a lot of things through sex that they don't communicate anywhere else, so it's doubly hurtful to them to not feel wanted by their partners.
jg
>Out of curiosity, how am I supposed to "discuss" with him why I am initiating affection<
You could start like this:
You: Hubby, I listened when you told me that it hurts you for me not to initiate physical affection. Your feelings are important to me and I am trying help you feel my love for you by intiating affection. It would be helpful for me if you acknowledge my efforts and encourage me. When I initiate affection and you don't mention my efforts, I'm not sure if I am making progress or not. Could you let me know that you are noticing my efforts and encourage me to keep trying?"
See, it's not so hard!
jg
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