Need some suggestions

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2006
Need some suggestions
46
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 2:42pm

Many of you posted in my thread "I want that loving feeling again" and after many replies (thank you for those that posted) I have decided I'm going to make an effort.

My hubby and I had a talk last night and we both know we are distant (we've only been married a few months) He told me that he's tired of always giving (For those that don't know, please read my other thread)

As you may have read in my other thread, I am not the most affectionate person and my hubby knows that I don't initiate it, therefore, I really don't know how to start showing affection.

Can you give me suggestions on

(1) How can I show affection
(2) How can I show my appreciation

Thank in advance.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2006
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 7:35pm

Casey,

I have to agree with aisha that you are not very secure in yourself. Your following your husband around and needing instant validation for everything that you do are signs of your insecurity in general, not just in regard to this relationship.

You have a mindset of quid pro quo--nothing that you ever extend or receive is done freely by you. You measure everything and keep score constantly. People can sense that casey, and they don't trust it. This behavior will not only kill a marriage, it will kill any relationship that you have. The only reason to behave in this way is because you don't trust others or yourself to give you what you need--you're insecure.

You would benefit from individual counseling, yes. And that in trun will benefit your marriage. But you should get the counseling for YOU, because even if this relationship falls apart, you will still have to tackle these issues of yours.

Do you know why you are so uncomfortable with initiating sex? Were you raised to believe it is wrong somehow? And do you mind if I ask how old you are?

jg

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2006
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 9:31pm

<

You: Hubby, I listened when you told me that it hurts you for me not to initiate physical affection. Your feelings are important to me and I am trying help you feel my love for you by intiating affection. It would be helpful for me if you acknowledge my efforts and encourage me. When I initiate affection and you don't mention my efforts, I'm not sure if I am making progress or not. Could you let me know that you are noticing my efforts and encourage me to keep trying?">>

I beat you to it. I did say something similiar to the one you suggested.

About a month ago, I came up to him about encouraging me when I initiated affection. Here is how our conversation went:

Me: I'm trying to show affection and I want to initiate affection. Do you think you could help me with this? It would be nice if I initiated holding your hand, could you give me a squeeze because that would let me know that you liked me initiating affection. Or if I give you a hug, it would be nice if you could say something like "hey, this feels nice"

Hubby: No, that would be too hard. I don't want to give more than I already am. So, let me get this straight, "You want me to do more, in order for you to initiate affection, just so you could make me happy"? Well, I won't because I know you don't initiate affection and I don't want to change you.

That was about the conversation.

Maybe when we had this conversation, he already gave up because of the fact he thinks he's given all he could and not getting any in return. I don't know.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2006
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 9:46pm

<>

I didn't say I'm giving up. I simply stated that it is easier if I write my feelings down in a letter. Some people are better communicators on a piece of paper than in person. And besides, I'm not very tactful when I communicate with him. I don't feel that if I share my thoughts in a letter is giving up.

>Why are you opposed to PDA?<

So, you think holding hands in tacky because that's a form of PDA.

<>

I wouldn't know if he goes AHHHH because I'm asleep when he's off to work and he drinks the coffee on the way to work.

<<**trying very hard to not cause offence**>>

I didn't write the above quote.

<>

As I have stated in my FIRST thread, I NEVER once said I didn't agree/disagree. I simply stated I needed to know a better understanding. I think I've shown a little bit more effort and I think I've also stated my appreciation many times in all 3 of my threads. Out of all people, I would think you (iv_aisha2004) would know, since it has been you that's been posting, which by the way, I have appreciated.

<>

Sure I want this marriage to work, otherwise I wouldn't have wasted my time or anyone else's time to post. However, is it so wrong to just get a better understanding on "why" we sometimes may act a certain way. Maybe the way I see it is "my way" and I really don't see it "his" way, therefore, I came on this message board. Sometimes I perceive things and don't look for other ways.

An yes, I have asked my hubby if he wants this marriage to work. And to be quiet honesty, he thought that was a "stupid" question to ask. Why? Because he told me.

Again, if I have come across ungrateful, then I'm sorry. However, this is the SECOND time you (iv_aisha) have asked me this. I don't think I have EVER come across as ungrateful...ever.

Since iv_aisha, for the second time, thinks I'm ungrateful, sorry to have wasted everyone's time.

By the way, you aren't missing anything. The only thing I'm missing is the hubby that I still love and just wanted people's opinion.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2006
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 9:53pm

By the way, I have agreed with some of what you guys have posted. I bought a book, which by the way, you don't agree with and that's fine. I also bought a book recommended by jeffkrista on the 5 love languages by Gary Chapman. I've also read many posts about initiating affection. Have you not read any of my posts that states I'm starting to initiate "a tad" more affection....the wrapping of my arms when he's doing dishes, the hugging before he leaves out of town. Have you not read that I'm showing him more appreciation by...washing/waxing his car, creating music cd's. And just tonight I fixed him dinner (by the way, I don't cook).

With all these things listed above, how is that disagreeing with any of the posters here? Afterall, it was all your guy's suggestions/advice that has helped me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 10:11pm

Hi casey0201,


I know I'm jumping in at the end of things here...but I had a couple of thoughts.

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Wed, 06-14-2006 - 1:53am

<<**trying very hard to not cause offence**>>

>I didn't write the above quote<

I wrote that line. And I put the asters there to try and stress that I was trying very hard to not offend you that I was trying to be unconfrontational. Me putting that at the beginning of what I was saying was an attept to have you understand that I was not trying to alienate you.

However, as you've continued on to say "Since iv_aisha, for the second time, thinks I'm ungrateful, sorry to have wasted everyone's time" it would appear that my attempt to say what I did in the nicest possible way did not translate.

I think I'll bow out at this time and wish you and your husband luck.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2006
Wed, 06-14-2006 - 2:20am

<

I think I'll bow out at this time and wish you and your husband luck.>>

You have given me the impression that you think I'm ungrateful and I have not been. I've been very much appreciated with everyone's advice and yes, including yours. I have learned alot since joining this board that is why I joined.

<>

I have agreed with some posts that is why I shared with everyone on the steps I have taken. I'm hoping to get suggestion/advice from you guys and that's what has been accomplishment.

Please don't think I am not grateful.

I don't understand why you have asked twice on why I disagree and what I am hoping to get out of this.

I have answered it. Again, I have agreed with some of the suggestions/advice on this board. Hence, the sharing of what I have done (initiating affection, showing more appreciation)

Maybe I did not understand why you keep asking, when I have answered you.

I'm not trying to be confrontational...that's the last thing I want to do. My apologies if I have.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2006
Wed, 06-14-2006 - 2:47am

<>

Absolutely. When I read your posts, I thought I wrote it because it describes me exactly.

<>

I couldn't have said it better myself.

<>

Me too. I thought if people really knew how touchy-feely I was, they would think I'm too clingy and then would be turned off by it.

<>

I hardly get any validation from my hubby and that frustrates me and then I feel rejected.

<<.It's taken me a lot of time and work to let down my guard and be completely 'out there' and vulnerable.>>

How did you overcome your problem? Did you go to counseling?

<>

My hubby is not abusive. His tone can be abrasive sometimes and I don't know how to handle it, therefore, I get defensive and then we fight. He says he is not trying to be abrasive. I guess I'm just having a hard time adjusting and not take it so personally.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Wed, 06-14-2006 - 9:49am

**Absolutely. When I read your posts, I thought I wrote it because it describes me exactly.


So, really, it's not that you don't know how to show affection, you just won't because you don't feel safe doing so.

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2006
Wed, 06-14-2006 - 10:40am

>>I didn't want to be thought of as touchy-feely and, well, weak. I sort of equated being loving with being weak and vulnerable>>

Last night my hubby and I had a talk. I told him I had a lot of time to think while he was away and I told him I do want to show you affection its just I "probably" didn't want you to think I was a touch-feely type person. And do you know what he said? He really didn't believe me because I used the word "PROBABLY". He said you probably think that's why you don't initiate affection but I am with you everyday and I don't think it is. He continues to say I think you don't initiate affection and you've had this problem your whole life. I was completely stunned.

We talked about the distance/tension and akwardness that we have been having and I told him I want to be close for him to be my best friend. He told me the romantic part says I want to be all those things as well, but the reality part in me doesn't think we can. He says we are 2 different people. We think things different philisophically, which is why he thinks we are distance.

<>

My hubby used to be very affectionate with me. But he was the one that did all the initiating. And because of it, he feels hurt and rejected because I couldn't come out of my shell. Now, I don't think he won't believe my affection is geniune. He doesn't really believe that fact that I have programmed myself not to show affection (its all because I don't want to let people know I'm the touchy-feely person. I thought if I was, it would turn people off). Therefore, with what little affection I do show, I don't know if he really knows its geniune.

My hubby is not the type that is supportive of certain things. He doesn't encourage me when I am affection, therefore I stopped. He states if he encourages me, he is still doing all the work. I feel like I'm in a no-win situation.

We talked for 2 hours last night and it felt like I came out with nothing. I have taken people's advice saying that we need to talk. Well, I did last night and now I came out empty. Please don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that its everyone's fault; I'm simply stating that we talked and it really didn't accomplish anything. When he left work this morning, he usually gives me a kiss, but he didn't. He goes to work while I'm still asleep, but I always know when he kisses me. After the talk last night and he not kissing me this morning, I really feel empty. After he left this morning, I was petting my dog and noticed fresh cologne. Man, my dog gets MORE affection from my hubby than me.

He also told me that its not just all about showing affection. Its about how we look at things. He likes to look at things philisophically and I don't. So, even if we were to solve our affection part, I'm not sure if it will still help our marriage.