Need some suggestions

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2006
Need some suggestions
46
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 2:42pm

Many of you posted in my thread "I want that loving feeling again" and after many replies (thank you for those that posted) I have decided I'm going to make an effort.

My hubby and I had a talk last night and we both know we are distant (we've only been married a few months) He told me that he's tired of always giving (For those that don't know, please read my other thread)

As you may have read in my other thread, I am not the most affectionate person and my hubby knows that I don't initiate it, therefore, I really don't know how to start showing affection.

Can you give me suggestions on

(1) How can I show affection
(2) How can I show my appreciation

Thank in advance.

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Avatar for jeffkristi
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-1998
Wed, 06-14-2006 - 10:59am

I'm sorry the talk didn't go as you hoped and he wasn't as receptive to you initiating. I give you a lot of credit - you seem to be doing many of the things that are suggested here.

Can I give you one more suggestion? Don't expect an overnight change in your DH. It's taken quite a while for him to begin to feel this way (rejected, hurt, etc when he was doing all of the initiating) and it will take a while for him to NOT feel this way also. So don't *tell* him you are trying to be more affectionate and don't make a big deal about it when you are. Just continue to do the little things that you think he doesn't notice. Trust me - he notices. It appears as if he's just overly cautious at the moment and afraid that as soon as he "gives in" and starts to accept that you are doing this, things will go back to the way they were.

Also (OK so it's 2 more suggestions) - don't go into this with the mindset that you are doing this for him - do it for yourself. Initiating affection is a way to get what you want without waiting for another person to give it to you. And if you are doing this for you instead of him, you'll stop expecting or needing a "thank you" from him every time you do something.

None of this will feel natural of comfortable at first (which is probably why you want him to thank you for trying), but if you keep it up eventually it will feel more natural.

Jeff

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Wed, 06-14-2006 - 12:52pm

**He states if he encourages me, he is still doing all the work. I feel like I'm in a no-win situation.


In a way, he's got a point.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2006
Wed, 06-14-2006 - 1:34pm

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Thank you for seeing that I am doing things as suggested.

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Yes, I wished the talk would have gone well too. I am trying. But maybe its too late. I guess he thought the talk really didn't go well either because he usually kisses me before he leaves work. (I'm asleep because he leaves work so early in the morning) Eventhough our talk didn't go as I would have hoped, it was very calm conversation. There was no yelling/screaming. And by the way, I did tell him that I appreciated this talk and thanked him for us being able to talk calmly.

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You know, he said something very similar to what you just posted last night.

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Yea, I told him several times "I want to be able to show you that I am affectionate". I guess I'm similar to that last poster (kimbirdy) that when he doesn't immediately show me that he appreciates it, I take that as rejection and then I'm likely to not try. After our calm talk, eventhough we didn't get anything accomplished, he didn't kiss me this morning. So, now I'm taking that as he doesn't want to be affectionate (the validation) and therefore, I'm more likely to not try. Of course if we weren't having problems and if he missed not kissing me, I could deal with it better. Hope this makes sense.

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You know you are absolutely right. I'll try and do better on doing it for me and not because I want something from him. By the way, my hubby also stated this a while ago. He said he wants me to do something because I want to...that's why he keeps saying he doesn't want to change me.

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To be honest, it doesn't feel natural one bit because he doesn't reciprocate or the fact maybe he doesn't think my touch is geniune because he thinks its just a phase that will pass. However, I'm hoping that won't stop me from trying or giving up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2006
Wed, 06-14-2006 - 1:44pm
You've given alot of good points in your post. I appreciate it. I probably do need to give it more than just a few days. But its hard and it hurts. Like this morning he didn't kiss me before he goes to work, well, it hurt. I still yearn for his touch and when I don't get it, I stop trying. So, yea, your right, I just need to keep at it and hopefully, we can get that loving feeling again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 06-14-2006 - 2:08pm

I think I may have missed something here coming in late and all and if I did please forgive the oversight but in reading the last couple of post...


You want something that up to this point you weren't willing to give.

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2006
Wed, 06-14-2006 - 4:22pm

You make some valid points and I appreciate it. When my hubby initiates affection, I never once made an excuse not to be affection. I never put my hands in my pocket or said I didn't like it. I always had my hands out freely for him to take. However, what I didn't realized was I also had to do the same. Instead, now all I get is the hands in the pocket and the rejection.

Reading many posts, I have learned that I, too, need to be the initiator for me. Hopefully, I can keep this in mind when I do initiate affection and he doesn't recriprocate. I know its going to be hard and hurt (it is now) but like I said, I just hope I don't stop trying or giving up.

Sometimes when I come on this board and read about all this posts, I think ok, I can do this, however, when he comes home doesn't kiss or hug me then all the same ugly feelings come back and then I think why do I need to try because it just won't help. Hopefully, with a little bit more effort than just a few days I will see some improvements.

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