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| Fri, 04-21-2006 - 9:07am |
hi there. need to vent. me and my H have been having problems lately. especially in the bedroom. he says that i never want to have sex anymore. which isnt completely true. i do want to have sex but there are days when i'm just not in the mood. i'm a stay-at-home mom w/2 lil girls. and i do go to school at nite 3 days a week. plus i 'm constantly running around between taking my oldest to school and going to the gym. so there are days where i am so exhusted i dont want to do anything. My H works 3rd shift at a hospital most nites but last nite he worked at 3pm and was supposed to get off at 11:30. well i had school last nite and got home around 9:15. i was waiting for him to call cuz he usually does. well the call never came. so i just thought that maybe he was really busy, plus he was going to be home soon anyways. so last nite i was feeling in the mood so i set some candles out, put on some sexy lingerie and waited. and waited. and waited. nothing. no phone call. he wasnt home. so final around 12 , i blew the candles out and went to sleep. next thing i know it's 1:30am and he's home. he wanted to cuddle but i didnt want to. the moment was gone. i tossed and turned all nite. i asked him where he was and he said a couple of the nurses and him went out for a few beers after work. i couldnt sleep last nite. i was going to get up and come downstairs but i didnt. so now he's at work at some training thing, where he will be at til 3. then he has to work from 6pm -10pm. so probably tonite he will want some and i dont know if i want to. i'm stil upset about last nite. this is an ongoing thing. he wants it more than i do and he thinks i should basically suck it up and go w/it. i'm just so frustrated!!!!
thanks for letting me spill that out.
j


j,
Well, I think it all depends.... And I'm sure my views will be a little different than others. IMO, if you are "in the mood" at least once a week, you're doing good with everything you have going on! I have young kids too and they can sap your energy... Not only that, but I find switching from mommy mode to wife mode to be difficult. And with you in school on top of all that...
If your H's normal idea of foreplay is to not call, come home and wake you up in the middle of the night for sex, I can tell you that he is out of line. You have every right to make a "no waking me up" rule. He wakes you up=no sex. My sleep is important to me. If he wanted sex so badly, he should have come home at a time when you were awake.
My depends comes in because I think as moms, we CAN ignore that aspect of life longer than our H's want us to. And I don't see anything wrong with just "sucking it up" sometimes. There are times where I am not "in the mood" but I'm also not deadset against it. Times like that, if H really wants it, sure, why not? Now, if I'm NOT in the mood (like it sounds you will be for tonight...) then I don't just give in.....
Sounds like you need to find out how often your H thinks you two should be having sex, decide the same thing for yourself, and then compromise. Oh, and work on what you want him to do normally. Sounds like you are always with the kids unless you are at school and he's at work all day then gets to go out for relaxing drinks afterwards.... When do you two spend any time together? That isn't in the bedroom?
Jen
thanks jen for your feedback. to answer your question about when do we spend time w/each other outside the bedroom. that's a good question that i would like to know. usually we are able to get for dinner maybe once a month. since i dont work, he is constantly working. i on the other hand, i do get a chance to get out. usually my in-laws will take the girls for a weekend then i get to go out and have fun. ususally it is w/o my H b/c he is working. if him and i get to go out, i just like to go to dinner or maybe a bar or something, but never out to a club.
I know that I don't feel near as "in the mood" unless I get that time away from the house and kids (I'm so glad you can!) AND get time with my H that isn't involving him trying to get me in the sack. Even if it's playing a card game or something small, you need to be spending time with him and he with you. From my perspective, I would feel like a booty call otherwise. If he has time to go get drinks with buds, he has time to spend with you too.
Jen
I agree with Jen 100% It's hard to get in the mood when you've got one ear open for kids, when you're exhausted from running all day as well as emotionally exhausted from all the different hats you wear.
I think it's great that you get out on your own (school doesn't count as "out", only real free time does), but I think you should be focusing on finding more time to get out together. I also agree with Jen that getting out of the house makes a huge difference.
One thing you guys didn't touch on -- and for the life of me, I don't know why!!! - is his going out for a few beers with co-workers without so much as the decency to call you. From that level alone it's unacceptable. Being out socializing while someone's at home not having any idea what's happened or where you are. For someone who's "always working" and doesn't have time to go out with you, it sounds like there's more room there than you indicated..... I do understand that it may not be that frequent.
I think your concern about him coming home in the mood and you not being in the mood is quite a bit about being upset and angry about him not bothering to check in last night. I'm sure you having been "in the mood" yourself last night doesn't help you feel less upset and angry either. But, he couldn't have known that, so that can't really be a part of the issue. Personally, I would be discussing the issue of his not coming home and not informing you what was going on as soon as you can tonight. If the kids are in bed and he's home, I'd be initiating a talk. Until I aired that and got some resolution there would be no sexual desire, I promise you. You might ask him how he'd react if you just decided to head off for a few beers with classmates and didn't come home for three or more hours after your last class ends. Would he be okay with that? I'm betting not. If he's at work when you're at school making the "switch" not work, tweak the circumstances to fit. The bottom line is, I'm betting he would want to know what was going on rather than just wonder why you're not home three hours after you're supposed to be. I also am aware that he needs free time on his own just like you do, but again, he needs to inform you of when and where he is, just not bothering to show up isn't okay, period. I think it's a subject that needs to be discussed. If there are sexual problems after you've dealt with the issues that are upsetting you, THEN we can talk about those, lol!
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
see that's what i thought. "if he has time to go out for drinks, then he has time for me". we've even talked about this. how he was going to try to be there for me. our conversation got to the point where i told him i didnt think i wanted to be married anymore. he told me that wasnt an option. that we are going to fight for our relationship. but at this point i think it's pointless to fight ,since everytime we say that we are going fight for our marriage, things will be ok for a few days, but then go straight back to they way they were.
j
thanks 2nd life for your concern. he did call my cell after school, but i didnt check it cuz he usually calls me at home around 9:30/10. when i did check it the next morning, all he said was " hey babe, it's 9:05, call me when u get this." well evidently i didnt call him back, but he never called me at home since i didnt call him. i did bring it up to him, telling him that he didnt leave me a message that he was going out w/co-workers. he didnt really say anything .
i had thought about going out this past friday nite. i had the opportunity to but i wasnt feeling too good, plus i had school in the morning and he was going to be home around 11. so i stayed home. but nothing happened. (that was ok cuz i was sick)
j