Need to vent

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Need to vent
Mon, 05-12-2003 - 3:22pm
Hi everyone! This is the first time I’m posting to this Board, although I’ve posted to other IVillage Boards. Seems to be a nice group here!

I just need to vent. I’m 29. I’ve been dating “Matt” for a little over 6 months (he’s 30).

A little background on Matt: the longest relationship he has ever been in was 6 months and that had ended right before he met. So this is someone with no experience with long relationships and I think I will end up being his longest one. He also told me (when we first started dating) that he had never been inlove before.

We had a rocky start, but lately things have been great. We have fun together, I enjoy talking to him, and we’ve definitely gotten closer. We’re taking our first trip together at the end of the month – 4 days in Disney World (my friend is getting married there) and I’m very excited about that. He also asked me to go away with him to Cape Cod next month for a few days. He always includes me in family events and has invited me out to parties with his friends. He was excited to meet my parents last month (yes, he was actually looking forward to it). So, I do know he cares about me.

So here’s the problem. It’s been 6 months. And although I’m not trying to rush anything, I do not want another 6 months to pass by only to find out I’ve wasted a year on someone who doesn’t see a future together. I’m not saying he needs to propose marriage because God knows, I’m not ready for that (I’ve been engaged and called off my own wedding 2 years ago. I’m in no rush). But he’s never even said “I love you” and that makes me nervous. I refuse to say it first, it has to come from him. And I know actions speak louder than words, but I need to hear the words.

And as a result, I feel myself holding back lately. I don’t want to get more attached to him. And I’ve lost interest in lovemaking because it upsets me that I might be sleeping with someone who doesn’t love me. I’m at a point in my life where I’m not looking for just fun and friendship anymore.

All I know is I’m pulling away from lately and I think more and more about breaking up because I don’t want to suffer a broken heart in a few months when I’ve really fallen for him. I am so frightened that I’m starting to feel all these feelings for him that won’t be reciprocated in the end.

Thanks for letting me vent. I know I have to figure it out for myself, but it’s always nice to share!

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: kelli2640
Mon, 05-12-2003 - 7:33pm
Have the two of you talked, in general terms, about what you're each looking for in a relationship (e.g., "I am looking for a serious LTR leading to marriage", or "I'm looking for a fun, casual relationship of indefinite duration")? If not, then I think you're long overdue for that talk. Please note: you're not asking him what he wants *with you*, just what he wants in general. You want to make sure you're on the same page in your relationship goals.

If you find you're not on the same page, then it's probably best to end it. If you find you are on the same page, then all you can do is ask him if he could possibly see you in that role somewhere down the road, and that, if he ever changes his mind, to do you the favor of letting you know that so you can move on.