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| Mon, 06-12-2006 - 10:14am |
Found out something yesterday that I'm not sure how to deal with. I'm probably over-reacting, but I think I have the right to...
Background - my husband and I have been married for nearly 3 years, no kids yet. We've had our problems, for sure, but overall it's great.
Anyway, back on Mother's Day weekend, I took a day off to spend a long weekend with my parents. No big deal, more often than not, his work doesn't let him join me.
That Friday night, he went out with his sister and her work pals and acted as their DD. Everyone had a good time, no one drove drunk. All in all, a good weekend for everyone, right?
Well, yesterday, we find out that sister-in-law's boss has a "thing" for my husband. MY husband. Now, she's married. With 2 kids. Apparently she (I'll call her P) told my sister-in-law (M) and she told my husband yesterday. We're flabbergasted. So she thinks he's cute/funny/nice whatever. I don't care. No biggie on that part for me. I'm not a jealous person. I don't bug out if my hubby looks at another girl. He ain't blind, for crying out loud.
So I don't know exactly to what degree this "thing" is. I didn't get to talk to M directly and get details. But get this - this woman called my husband's work and gets his email address from the receptionist. EXCUSE ME?!?!
Now, she's gone too far, don't you think? Just what the heck does she think she's doing?
And she might never contact him, but still. She's got some nerve getting his email when she's married - with kids - never mind he's MY husband. I'm so mad, that I'm just like, I dare her to email him just so I can confront her and tell her a thing or two about marriage vows. Would she like for her husband to know that she's gotten the email address of her employee's brother? Oh, let me also say that their work fields are nowhere near related, so the business contact thing is out of the question.
You're probably thinking I should be flattered that another woman has interest in my husband, and I would be, if she hadn't gotten his email. That just burns me up. If she's got problems at her house and is looking for some somewhere else, keep my family out of it. I don't have much tolerance for a wandering spouse.
So tell me I'm overreacting, she'll never email him, that she isn't some two-bit hussy bent on wrecking her family and attempting to split mine. Cuz heaven knows I'd love to give her a piece of my mind.
A

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A,
I do and don't think you are overreacting.
That this woman would find your H cute after a night of drinking is one thing. That she would tell her employee about it and get his email address, is something else entirely. (I don't understand why SIL bothered to tell your H about it. Was it a matter of, watch out? or this is funny... or what?)
As far as talking with this woman, don't bother. She's just not worth it. She can't wreck your home if neither of you let her near you. If she does email, just have H delete it and ignore it. H should probably not be their DD anymore either. At least if boss woman is going to be along. Let this woman pine away all she wants. That will NOT affect you. Her wasting time emailing and not getting a response will not affect you. But I would make sure I didn't do anything to feed her warped little fantasy. Including going off on her because then she might think there is a chink there she can exploit.
Jen
What does your husband say or think about the situation?
I don't think you are overreacting to be angry that this woman has no idea where the appropriate boundaries are. I'd be angry, too.
However, and I am sorry to ask, is some of your anger really fear that she would have some chance of success in her pursuit? If so, can you talk to your husband and let him reassure you that he's not going anywhere? It's natural to be a little concerned--anyone would be. But your hubby should be able to put those fears to rest for you.
If your hubby is committed to you, then let this woman spin her wheels. She isn't going to get anywhere with him.
Have you and your hsuband discussed the issue? How did he react?
About the email address: he can just set his email to BLOCK any incoming email from her so that it goes right to the trash folder.
Jen,
I'll clarify - in DH's words, SIL said she told him as a heads up in case he does get an email. Like I said, I didn't get to talk to her, and the feeling I get is that SIL didn't want to tell me or DH to tell me, which is weird because we have a pretty good relationship. See, she'd called earlier in the afternoon, when DH was out, and I told her, no he's not here, and it took her a minute to catch on. Finally she said, Oh, he's not there? Uh, no, I think I just said that... She attributed her spaciness to the sun and drinks she had over the weekend at the beach. But that was not like her at all. And normally she tells me what she's calling for, and this time she didn't. I know all that doesn't sound like much, but I was getting a really weird vibe from her when she first called.
So I really shouldn't go off on her? Pretty please, can't I? J/K. I probably wouldn't have the guts to do it, and then it would just create more drama.
And I agree - that night will be the first and last of DH DD'ing for this crowd. Unless I get to go.... *evil grin*
The situation is pretty laughable, but the email thing is so, I don't know, "what the H is wrong w/ her??" kinda thing for me. I'm not seething quite as much as I was last night and early this morning.
Thanks for replying,
Anna
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DH was just as stunned as I was. He was flattered, oh sure (who wouldn't be?), but that was all.
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Is it totally rational? Probably not -- I just put it down to an instinctual territorial feeling that some women just bring out in us. For the most part, women admiring our men is fine and makes us feel proud -- but sometimes there are those predatory women that bring out our claws. >>
Exactly! I do feel like she's intruding on my 'territory' as you put it. We have a look but don't touch agreement, which we're pretty open about, but she's gone a bit far. My claws have retracted a bit, but they're still ready. LOL.
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We shall see how far she dares to take it! If SIL hasn't set her straight, DH will. :-)
Anna
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I understand what you're asking, and expected that, but that's not it. I'm confident in our relationship, and don't feel I need any reassurance. More for me is that she's taken steps to contact DH, that she's acted on this "thing". Fidelity is a huge thing for us, and I'm more mad that it's obviously not important to her. And she's got kids to worry about. Call me an idealist, but I just don't feel like there's ever a good reason for an affair. I don't know what she thinks she intends to do or what she expects my DH to respond with - I'm not saying she'd have a chance in you-know-where with mine, but she's obviously got issues!
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In one word, stunned. We've not really discussed it other than laughing it off. It's not going anywhere, nothing to discuss. It wasn't until we'd gone to bed, and DH snoring his head off, that my mind started whirling at the audacity of this two-bit floozy and the nerve that she may even think my DH would possibly be interested in said floozy. I mean, how dare she insult me that way? LOL.
See, I knew ya'll would make me feel better, cuz the more I think about it, the less mad I am (I mean, how silly was I?) and the more comical the whole situation gets. But that's my usual MO. *grin*
Anna
sirenella_4,
Man I could not imagine my self in your shoes. Course, me being the hot headed, German, Tauras, spit fire that I am I wouldn't just let it go. hahaha!
I know that this is not the way to handle the situation though. I probably would go down to SIL's work for a lunch date and not confront the want-a-be-homewrecker, but to make it known who I was and that I knew. Like when SIL introduced you as "Your name", I would look at her with a big "I know what you're up to" smile and say, "You know I'm -your husband's name- WIFE!"
To pour salt in the wound I probably would even go as far to invite her to go along to lunch. Not talking too much about how happy you two are because that looks obvious but just enough to let her know that you know and that she's going to get nowhere. Maybe even throw in something about some couple you know where there is infidelity and talk about how disrespectful and disgusting it is and how your husband agrees. hahaha!
But that's me and I'm pretty sure that would be how NOT to handle this. I think you are handling it just fine. Just remember you're being the bigger person. I wish I could be so rational! hahaha! Keep it up.
Best of luck,
Defleppardgal
Defleppardgal
I'm glad to hear that you don;t have any worries with your DH. :)
I'd be mad too, because it's not right for someone else to come in and not respect your vows, or their own. People who enter into affairs, in my opinion, are seeking a distraction/escape from their own issues, rather than facing their issues. Not stable people!
Glad that you are feeling better. :)
Jg
Defleppardgal,
I like your idea! LOL Hmm, must be the German and Italian in me that has brought the claws out for this one. I'll keep it in mind in case she's stupid enough to actually email my hubby.... J/K! DH has said he'll take care of it if she does contact him, but I just feel like I do need to stake my territory, know what I mean? LOL
Anyway, we'll see what happens, if anything...
Anna
Sorry I'm coming into this so late -- I don't think you're overreacting, often men are oblivious to women's come-on's while they're clear as day to other women. Looking the other way while a woman continues to work to get under your husband's skin (I know we don't know that she'll do that) would be dangerous and wrong, IMO.
You said your husband was "flabbergasted", but what exactly does that mean? Does he know that she asked for his email address? Does he know what he plans to do if she should email? Obviously, you can't *make* him do anything and it would be wrong for you to try, but if he's on the same page with you, you can offer a suggestion, and if he takes it, I'm betting it would be successful. If he gets an email from her professing her crush, he should respond saying, "You may not be aware, but I am married. Out of respect for my wife, I'm copying her on this email.", then of course, he needs to cc you on the email. If her email is chatty and friendly only he should say, "This is my work email and I only respond to work issues on it. I'm copying my wife's email so the two of you can set up a get together, if that's what you had in mind -- she does most of the social planning for us.", then again, obviously, cc you on the email. The message either of those sends this woman is clear -- he's married and not interested in fooling around, and has no problem keeping his wife in the loop on his personal conversations. That tells her she's got zero chance because if he's telling you about it, he's not even remotely considering her.
If your husband isn't interested in doing anything like that (which, I think would be most successful), you could get her email address from your SIL and email her yourself saying that the receptionist at your husband's work told you that she'd called for his email address, and since you know he doesn't like using his work email for personal contacts, you thought you'd email with you and DH's home email address so she can contact you guys there. Keep it friendly and innocent -- like you don't have a suspicion in the world. In fact, if you can find a way to add in some conversation that she and your husband had during this DD trip, all the better, or even say, something like, "DH said you were really friendly" or something like that. Again, keep it very friendly. The goal here is not to be catty and confrontational but to tell her in a subtle way that your husband told you about it. And the message to her will be, "I'm not threatened by you (because I'm inviting you to email -- no way would you do that if you were threatened) and "he tells me everything". Those statements say she's got no shot with him. If you sound catty or threatening, the message sent will be that you are threatened, which will tell her she does have a chance, so be careful. If my husband wasn't agreeable to emailing her himself in a manner that I suggested and I emailed her myself I wouldn't tell my husband. I have to tell you that I am generally a very big proponent of total honesty in relationships, but when other women are wheedling their way in, men can be blind and can come to see you as the "bad one" who's "attacking" that "nice woman who doesn't mean anything, she's only trying to be friends". You don't need to be looked at as the bad guy, it will only make her look like the "poor victim".
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
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