Needing advice!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2010
Needing advice!
23
Thu, 12-09-2010 - 1:15pm
My husband and I have been friends for 15 years and we've been married for 3 years. I rarely have issues with him but this is just something that has been bugging me for the last 5 and I need to know what you guys think. About 6 years ago my husband was dating a woman who at the time was pregnant, and married (the husband was overseas and my husband was unaware that she was married until the baby was born). Despite all of that he stayed with her for 8 months after the baby came, until she conveniently went back to her husband upon his return to the US. Now its been five years and my husband is still in constant contact with this woman about the child. I understand he cares about this little girl, but he hasn't seen her in 2 years. He is always talking about how much he misses the kid, how cute she is, how sad it makes him not to see her, the list goes on. I feeling like my daughter and I are in this constant battle for attention/importance in my husbands life. I just feel like he needs to let go a bit, and realize he has his own family now. I don't want to seem mean but I really don't care about this child and I don't feel like I should always have to hear about her. Should I bring this issue up with my husband or just let it be and hope it resolves itself over time?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Thu, 12-09-2010 - 1:34pm

Are you sure that there's no chance that this is possibly his child, and that's why there is so much concern there?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2010
Thu, 12-09-2010 - 2:05pm
I am 100% sure he is not the father. Her husband actually had a paternity test done because he wasn't convinced
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Thu, 12-09-2010 - 2:13pm

Then maybe he still has feelings for the woman and is using the little girl as a excuse for keeping in contact with her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Thu, 12-09-2010 - 2:16pm

I do think it's important that you tell him how you feel.

I totally understand the sentiment of not caring about some woman he dated and her child. I would be rolling my eyes at the "I miss her she's so cute" crap. I guess I wonder though, how often does he talk about the child? Why do you feel like your husband is taking attention away from you and your daughter if they don't see one another? Just wondering how to handle this one.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2010
Thu, 12-09-2010 - 3:01pm
Its good to know that would irritate someone else. I was feeling a little guilty about almost loathing a five year old. The communication has slowed way down since our daughter was born, but this little girl comes up in our conversations a couple times week. And when he starts talking about her...I usually end up figuring out something to do around the house so I don't have to listen I don'tn't feel like he wants back in this , woman's life, it is a.ll centered around this little girl, but in some ways th at makes it worse, because I truely don't understand the connection he feels towards her
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Thu, 12-09-2010 - 6:33pm
Nor do I. Especially since he was only in her life for 8 months.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2010
Thu, 12-09-2010 - 8:00pm

How do you know her husband had a paternity test?

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 12-09-2010 - 8:58pm

Whether it is a 5 yo girl that he never met or a sports car or a video game or porn or whatever else, I think it's the same issue, i.e. he is focusing his emotional energy to something outside his family.

I have no clue how to handle this except that a counselor may be able to shed some light on his behavior and how it is affecting your marriage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Fri, 12-10-2010 - 1:02am

And especially since he now has his own daughter in his life. As another poster said, how do you know for sure the truth of the paternity test? Maybe he is lying to you so you don't find out the truth, or maybe he thinks the girl is his for some reason. Did you actually ever see the results yourself on paper? If he really believes the girl is not his, then the strong connection he has to her makes no sense to me, especially since this was 6 years ago.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2001
Fri, 12-10-2010 - 1:55am
Welcome to the board, Mommy_2_Emma ~

I would be more than irritated about this, dealing with it for years?


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_

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