negative...moving forward...
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| Mon, 07-10-2006 - 8:21am |
so basically my mr. negative has been trying to change his tune over the last few days...and i've walked away when I couldn't take it anymore.
I feel like i'm constantly picking on him though...and maybe i am. With all this stress, i guess he's completely overwhelmed and he's in 'work' mode at the house. He and I have been busting our butts in the new house, trying to get through these reno's as fast as possible...but i feel we're going a little too full speed ahead.
It's been months of stress, and honestly months of a very sad love life...so i'm pretty tired of that. I need love, affection, some romance...and he's the type of guy who will give me the world, but in his own way. What i mean is this...he will make dinner most of the time either because he's home first - almost always starts the laundry...does all kinds of stuff around the house. He's like MR. SuperEfficient guy...it's great yet annoying at the same time because i tend to be a little more relaxed - and will get to things when i choose to, but with him that's his first priority. he works, works, works and then plans to play. But unfortunately the work is NEVER done.
So i've been annoying the hell out of him with the fact that he's not as affectionate, or loving...that i want him to show me more that I am special, beautiful etc. He feels like it's a chore, I think.
I wrote him a letter last night while he was at work...explaining how i felt and gave him ideas of things that would fill that need...
i explained to him that i appreciate what a great father he is, and what a wonderful provider he is however I want a loving husband...and to be honest i would forego a couple of nights of him getting everything 'done' so that we could relax and have fun.
Do i sound like i'm putting too much pressure on him...do i sound unreasonable? I guess I'm just very tired of always being the chaser and him the chasee...i need to be chased and wanted a little and he just doesn't seem to have it in him anymore for me.
What would you do?

I would get the book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman and read it with your H. Or at least read it yourself. (They should hire me for marketing.)
I bet you anything that your H thinks what he is doing IS how to be a loving H. He IS doing what he sees as love. It's just not what YOU see as love. You want time, he wants things done. When you ask him what you can do to show him love, what does he say?
Jen
FOr a wild stab here on thought processes....
Chances are he thinks you're just a woman who wants it all. :) Not necessarily a "bad" thing. He probably doesn't GET that this isn't how you feel loved. I'd give my H a list of things that he COULD do (so he could pick and choose what he was comfortable with and ALWAYS because he said he didn't KNOW what to do) that I would see as love. And he kept doing the dishes and laundry. Because that's what he thought was showing love. To me, it's just stupid chores that can get done when they get done. It's what HAS to get done and not a way to show me love. But H just didn't get it til we read the book and it points out the different ways people see love. Then it clicked with him. And with me. And I stopped trying to spend time with him as much and started doing the laundry and dishes-- just so he'd feel loved.
Jen
interesting...it's been several times that I've heard this book mentioned so i will definitely go out and grab it. Actually, you know last night he seemed quite happy that I took the rest of the floorboards out while he was at work. He was all like, oh wow, you didn't need to do that, but thank you. I think that made him feel loved and honestly I did it out of love because I knew he'd need to sleep today after 3 night shifts in a row, so I wanted one less thing on his list of things to do.
funny how we can be so different...
he actually apologised to me this a.m about how he's been reacting to my neediness...guess my note cleared it up some for him, i don't know. And maybe the little list of things I added was good too..
maybe we need to stop talking about it and just start acting...it's so hard though. I find that I need to talk things out to death
anyways, thanks for your input. It definitely was some great advice. Thanks
For those who aren't familiar, Storm31's previous post can be found here:
He's sooooo negative!!!
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Question for you, Storm. Is it possible that what you're seeing is perhaps some resentment on his part to *always* doing *all* the work while you get to go off and play? Could he be passively punishing you for the situation, even though he may insist on doing what he does, etc.? And since he does all the work, and as a result isn't able to play, shouldn't part of your focus be that the chores are divided up more equally? He may have cleaning standards that you aren't interested in meeting, but perhaps agreeing to do some of the chores (to your standards, not his) would make the load feel more equal and would change his attitude and his affection level. It's also possible that he may passively make it impossible for you to do part of the chores.
I will say that none of this sounds like the negative person you were describing before. I'm also thinking your living arrangement (work division) may be a part of his negativity. Your thoughts?
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
that's a very interesting way to look at it. And I have told him before how I feel like I can't even keep up to him...really i can't. Even when it comes to paying bills. He's just sooo on top of everything. But then he's always saying how he doesn't have time to go to the gym anymore, or have time to have fun because there's too much to do...and I do chores around the house. Just not constantly the way he does. When I lived on my own with my daughter, we kept somewhat tidy throughout the week but then Saturday was my chore day...and i loved it. I took the morning to clean the house through and through. She picked one or two items to do and we turned up the music and went to work. Then my house was spotless for a day. I did laundry once or twice a week, usually on Sunday and Wednesday whereas now he just does it whenever...but is always doing it.
last night he was telling me how much stuff there is to do and he feels so overwhelmed etc, so i told him we need a list. so we can look at one thing at a time. Not the whole package...it's too much. WE bought an older home and we're going through renovations so of course it's going to be a mess. But honestly we've only lived there for a week and 2 days and have managed to do sooooo much work. Enough that I got kind of beat down and caught the flu.
anyhow back to your idea...yes, i think that a lot of this can be resentment on his part...but how do we fix that. Do i sit down with him and make and me and him chore list?
But then he has to stick to it and has to let me stick to mine...see the other problem is that he's off for most of the summer so will be at home everyday looking for stuff to do...
ahhh...it's so frustrating. however good news - this morning, after his little breakdown last night, and after i took the time to make a list and force him to let me call on a little help from some family, he was quite affectionate this morning. Kissed me good-bye several times and even hugged me for a minute..it was nice. And it was totally initiated by him.
So cl-2nd-life...what to do now if this is the case of my H? Would this be considered passive agressive in a sense? or just a little OCD? LOL
Well it sounds to me like this is almost certainly at least a large part of the problem, don't you think? He can't be much more clear than saying he doesn't have time to go to the gym anymore, or have time to have fun because there's too much to do. But what I'm reading here is different than I'd understood it. Somehow I thought he did all the housework, here you're saying that it's he style of doing housework that's the problem -- he's causing his own problem and making himself miserable! You can talk to him about it, point out that his choice to clean constantly is not allowing him to have any fun or time to himself. You might also point out that there are a great many sayings regarding the fact that housework will always be there...
I don't think the answer is in him making you a list, it's largely in him deciding to change his own style, for his own good. I don't know what your exact situation is, but if he's doing a boatload more work than you are, shifting the responsibilities may be what's called for. And if a fairer shift is called for, it's up to him to agree to leave your chores for you to do. But, you indicated he's going to be home all summer....if that means you're working and he's not, then the housework should be his to do. That means it would be up to him to re-adjust how he goes about managing it so that he has a life too.
Why does he think things have to be done constantly and what kind of cleaning is he doing constantly? Is this how his mother was? What did he do before you two were together? If this is his style, how did he have time to meet or date you? He sounds somewhat obsessed, is he? If so, why do you think that is? Answers to those questions might help see the best way to proceed with this.
FYI, the cleaning style you describe doing in the past is pretty much how I did things when I was single, and it was the way my mother did it too. The usual (dishes daily and a "laundry night" mid-week), as well as anything that needed to get done, with a full, major cleaning once a week; floors, bathrooms, the whole bit. I did mine on Thursday night so the house was clean on the weekend and there was plenty of play time!
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"