New and rather confused at this point
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| Thu, 12-08-2005 - 9:09pm |
Hi.
My husband and I have been married for all of three months. (Three months you say? And here already? Wait. Let me 'splain...)
We STUPIDLY got married less than a couple of months after we met. Maybe it was because we'd both recently gotten out of the military AND relationships... or we can blame the Dog Star. I don't care at this point.
No matter what I do, it's wrong, it's literally like writing a blank check for an unlimited amount of guilt trips, worry-free. No, it's not all him, but dear god... personalities aside, I'm about to go nuts here. Allow me to elaborate.
Most recent bitch: I'm Jewish, or actually, a "Cashew", meaning that I was raised both Catholic and Jewish... I observe both holidays, but as far as Yom Kippur, Rosh Hashannah, and Chanukah go (you know, the "big" holidays), that's on my own time. I mean, it's private, and it's one of those "just me" deals. Out of all of my kids, my oldest is the only one who wants to join me on this... even my rabbi understands this, and that's somewhat rare. In other words, I consider myself Jewish, long of the short of it... but out of respect for my mother, I observe the gentile holidays as well.
But I digress.
My husband, a confirmed and admitted born again Christian (who knew my religious beliefs beforehand), is really beginning to - pardon the expression here - piss me off. Example: I was mentioning that Channukah was coming up and that not only did I wish to get the kids gifts for that (we also do Christmas), I was wanting to go to a synagogue that I was unfamiliar with (I'm new to the area) this weekend. He says, and I quote, "Well, all you do is light some candles, right? I mean, it's no big deal..."
-shudder-
After explaining to him as nicely as I could think of, he still didn't get it.
Other things that are starting to really get under my skin is the sex thing - yeah - as well as codependency issues and my apparent inability to let sleeping dogs lie.
If I eat dinner without him - even if he's running two hours late from work or a friend's house (or gasp! a video game) - I get PO'd Mike... he sulks and makes comments about it. If I open a beer and he's not around (and admittedly, it's becoming a bit more frequent than I care to admit), he gets mad because I didn't wait for him. I have a hairline fracture in my neck - yes, I have a broken neck and I'm walking around talking about it - and he gets mad if I tell him "no" for sex that night. (Well, mad's not the word... think pouty or upset, and that's more like it.)
He talks about his ex-wife, and compares me to her on an almost constant basis - of course, I'm the "winner" of the race - and it unnerves me. I mean, I'm me, and not to be compared to anyone else.
Why in the hell did I marry this guy in the first place?
Honestly, I really do not know... maybe because I wanted to do something completely spontaneous for once, or perhaps it was PMS. The world will never know.
But all I know is this: I'm slowly being driven insane, and it's gotten to the point to where I'm not "me" anymore.
What would you do? Because, honestly, my instincts are telling me to run for the hills here.

Hi Serial,
I read your post last night but needed some time before I had a response for you. With CL gone for the weekend, I didn't want you to think you were getting ignored.
Honestly, your example of the guilt-trip didn't click with me. I just don't see the guilt tripping there. An ignorant Christian but not guilt.
Now the dinner, sex, and constant comparison to the X, well, those would annoy me to no end. I can really see where those bother you.
That said, I also detect a HUGE attitude coming from you in the post. I could be totally wrong (maybe there isn't an attitude there) but if there is, I'm sure he's getting it at home too. I feel like you think he's below or beneath you. And that's going to create a large problem. So the big question is, do you want to work on it?
Have you talked with him to let him know these things bother you? At a time where there isn't any attitude? Does he care when you talk or is he just "Whatever."? I think there are definite steps you can take if you want to work on it. But you have to want to work on it before those steps will do any good.
I am by no means saying that you are a big meanie and your DH is fine. I would have LOADS of attitude myself if I had to deal with a pouty attitude over the things you mentioned.
Can I ask, how many times have both of you been married? And do you know why there were divorces?
Jen
What is a great relationship?
"The greatest relationships are those in which the desire for each other greatly outweighs the need for each other." Dahli Lama
They're equality based, mutually beneficial, honestly communicative in dynamic between two partners that admire, trust, respect, and accept the individual they with - for who they are. Not what they provide, or what they "could be".
Some people consider diversity in partnership an asset. In both considering life a challenge not a threat...they find that a partner who possesses skills and strengths they do not and vice versa is ideal. There is trust, respect, assurance and harmony at the values oriented level - so the one who's strength and skill is needed at the time - that person is "in the lead"- with a willing follower. The baton is handed off continuuosly through the situations and circumstances of life - where the other person possesses the strength adn skill of a mutual issue to resolve, or to pursue. Neither lose thier own individuality - that is what brought them together...and neither are threatened by that individuality -they admire it. This person is rarely looking for completion or salvaiton from waht they do not do well...but these people are rare - to be able to lead and follow without debate based on commonality of values and purpose becuase of a total essence of self-awareness and self-responsiblity is a rarity indeed.
Some people consider any diversity of interest, strength or skill a liability in partnership. They consider that they'll be outdistanced or left behind, or that they're being dragged along at times and their self-esteem doesn't allow them to see following as anything but a secondary in priority position. These people must do all teh same things well - such as manage money, etc. but have hte same values and destinations for these things - so that strengths don't collide but make them a powerful force. However the things hey do not do well - say home repair - they will both attack it with the same level of interest and involved as they did their strong suits - only together they'll fumble and bumble their way in a much longer process - towards a commonly desired end.
These type of people are generally seeking "someone like me" when choosing a partner, and while individually they see themselves as somewhat incomplete - they'd prefer someone also incomplete - rather than someone with diverse talents or abilities.
People do what they do because they want to do it. Their values, priorities, and stnadards justify and entitle them to their actions, feelings, thoughts, decisions, words, ideas, and desires. Those same values in all situations determine character, conscience, integrity and honor.
so at all times, we're all doing what we want, what we believe is right and our right - based on what we wish to achieve.
That said, you two don't know one another at all. In a state of transition, flux, and lust - you married. You've flung together a set of "unidentified and unknown and uncommunicated" needs, wants, expectations and goals. If you're both self-defined, aware, accepting and responsible people fo ryour own identity and destiny - it won't be hard to figure out if you're a good match.
Because you won't be losing yoru identity or your obligation to self - it's simply now a time to compare based on less heat and more friction...whether you tow are really headed in the same direction, for the same reaon - because neitehr one of you is going to stop going where your going or how you're doing it - that's your obligation to yourselves.
If both of you have primarily been defined in your lives by alliances, duties, obligations, or status with some entity, person, or relationship tie....you're going to have a much harder time figuring out if you two share values, priorities and standards, goals, and definitions of a great life and how to achieve it. Because you've simply adopted the standards and goals and estinations and priorities of what you've aligned with in the past....wtihout leadership both of you are in a state of subliminal panic going "what to do - what to follow, what to adhere to?"......and os it could be a little tougher.
If you're wanting to really see if you have something worth salvaging - what you need is an observant, discerning and enlightened to psychology of the human mind 3rd party....so that as individuals you can go in and talk to that person about what is upsetting you "about this relationship" and waht is good about it...and as a cuople you can learn to communicate with one another iwth thier assistance an dobservational input.
But what isn't going to happen is one of you "conform".........even with two followers who've never led and been accountable and responsible for thier own identity and destiny in their own requirement standard aren't going to "conform" to the another follower.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Yeah, I can see where the whole 'tude was coming from... man, am I PMSing or what?
I wasn't able to completely finish the post (write/edit/edit/write/crap he's home/click post) because he'd just walked in the door, and he likes to read over my shoulder. Nothing really against him, I guess, but it bugs me all the same. Have I spoken to him about this? Believe it or not, I have. Several times. More times than I can remember... and he'll make a conscious effort to not do something for a few days, then when he sees that everything's fine again, he'll fall back into the old routine.
Am I saying that I'm completely innocent? No way, dudette... far from it. But what things that may bother him, I'm courteous enough to either a) not do it, or b) not do it again if it bothers him.
Ahh, the guilt.
Gosh... it can be over the stupidest thing. From eating dinner without him after waiting over an hour for him to get off the computer, to simply giving in to sex if he's gone too long without (and in his mind, if it's not every night, it's too long), regardless of how I feel. Am I frigid? Oh god no! I beg to differ... but when one's had insomnia/up all night from pain and gets an average of two hours of sleep a night for weeks at a time, one simply does not feel up to performing their "wifely duties" day after day after day... and when I say "no", the guilt sets in. How? Either by literally pouting, or asking, "Do you not love me any more? We haven't made love for two days!"
Right now, he's out buying me a Christmas present. Another one. That's like four already.
He hasn't gotten anything for his own kid yet, and his kid lives out of state.
Whenever I bring up him getting his son something, or for that matter, to at least please call his child, he always comes up with an excuse... and then gets mad at me.
Crap. I have to go. He's home.
I would think step one would be approaching him something like this: "I'm not happy with how things are going between us. I'd like for you and I to see a couples counselor to work on our problems before they get bigger." If his answer is no, you know he's not willing to make an effort to change/improve things and from there you have all the insight you need on how this marriage is going to go. However, you've also said your instincts tell you to "run". If that's so, you're only three months into this, it'll be easier to cut your losses now than at any other time. If you're recognizing these are personality/character differences that you didn't know each other well enough to recognize, then you also know neither of you are going to change your personalities, counseling or not and the problems/differences are not going to go away. This may be something you'll need to chalk up as a learning experience -- as in, don't marry someone until you've known them for a very long time!
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
My apologies for not having posted this to you weeks ago. It's nice to see you back, Erin ~
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"