New BF issue w/ Ex Hubby
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New BF issue w/ Ex Hubby
| Fri, 06-23-2006 - 4:29pm |
Long story short-I got married very young, with doubts, etc. Obviously it was for a reason though, b/c the marriage produced a beautiful daughter and I learned a lot about myself. We were married 5 years, are now divorced, and are finally to the point we can have a civil conversation. 5 months ago I met the man I am supposed to be with. Everything was perfect, he loved my little girl and me, we had planned on getting married in a year or so, our personalities and beliefs match perfectly, etc. Then, out of the blue, he tells me he thought he could deal with my ex being in the picture but he can't. So we are not broken up. I've tried everything I can to convince him the ex is not an issue. All ties from the previous marriage have now been taken care of and there is nothing left but sharing our daughter, which boyfriend understood. But he just can't get past the part about the "possibility" of the ex maybe causing an issue in the future. I feel like if I'm worth it, that shouldn't be a problem, and we'll deal with it if/when it happens. I've plead my case and now I'm just waiting to see if he can deal or not. Any advice? Waiting is killing me since I absolutely know w/o a doubt that we are right for each other. What's a girl to do?

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5 months ago you met a guy and you already have 1)decided that the two of you are meant to be, 2)had him have issues with your ex AFTER you decided you were meant to be, 3)he's fallen in love with you and your daughter in 5 months time, and 3)after just 5 months have decided that you are destined to be together and planning on getting married?
You do realize that in the grand scheme of things, 5 months is nothing. It took longer than that for you to be pregnant. Deciding to include someone in your daughter's life should take longer than it took to MAKE her.
Jen
Sounds like an excuse to me. What exactly has your X done that has him so worried? Is there constant chaos and drama??? Do you talk about issues with X and need constant comforting??
Either way, I would suspect he got in over his head, and now has decided, for whatever reason he is not sure, and is running away. Sometimes a person can get caught up in the current of a fast developing relationship and then wakes up one day and realizes they are not positive and gets scared and looks for an unchangeable reason that does not blame either party and uses this to escape.
In the end you can't make him love you, so I would give him the space he wants and move on with your life. Good luck, P.
Totally agree with Orangecuse and all that he writes.
I also agree with Jen. 5 months is way too soon to be planning forever commitment. At 5 months, you may have some really good feelings about your future together, but you can't really know each other completely.
Lil2krayzee, while you may be sure that he's THE ONE, his actions show that he doesn't feel the same way. Give him space - but don't wait forever.
No, it doesn't make it wrong. In fact, it COULD be very right. There is always an equal chance of both. My only issue is that you need more time to know for sure who he is.
I understand, I really really understand. I had the same thought processes when I was dating too. And I knew, oh so quickly, that we were meant to be. A lot of maturing and time on my part has taught me that I knew NOTHING. Sure, I knew his likes and dislikes and that we had A LOT in common and that we had A LOT of fun together. But I didn't know who he really was. How he'd really act in real life circumstances. What his family of origin was like (besides the nice, friendly face they put on to the world.) Things that you can only know after a long time together. Once it isn't "new" to be together and things you have to see over and over to know they are the way things are. That doesn't happen in 5 months.
And you have a daughter to boot. And she needs you totally and completely levelheaded because it's HER life. She needs you to make sure you are picking the best person out there for HER.
And as the other posters said, it sounds like your BF has changed his mind and is trying to exit gracefully. The harder you hold on, the faster he'll want to run.
Jen
I really appreciate the advice. All of it, whether I wanted to hear some of it or not. I'm doing the only thing I can, which is to give him space. I agree, he may have gotten freaked out all of a sudden, which is understandable. And the only answer to that is he can either handle it, or he can't, which only he can decide. I'm being patient, I really am. But he does also know I can't wait forever. But how long do I be patient? I'm sure there's no right answer to that. But I'm sure everyone can agree that not know is what is the hardest.
And a side note-I assure my daughter ALWAYS comes first. Maybe part of the reason I want this to work so much is b/c BF would be really good for her as well as me, and is already very good with her. More promising than ex hubby is with her. And she needs a stable figure in her life if at all possible. She already has one in me, but I'd like for there to be two if that's what God has planned.
>>>5 months ago I met the man I am supposed to be with. Everything was perfect, he loved my little girl and me, we had planned on getting married in a year or so, our personalities and beliefs match perfectly, etc.<<<
To me saying everything was "perfect" and he's the one you are "supposed" to be with are bigger red flags than the 5 months.
Jen's absolutely right. This new guy may be absolutely right for you, but only time will tell. In five months there is more you don't know about him than what you do know about him. You won't have a clear view until close to the year mark, that's where relaxation comes in and you both really show who you are to each other. I'd think after having made one marriage mistake you'd be more concerned about taking your time to assure it's right rather than diving in without just a handful of knowledge. Your child may come first, but you've put her squarely into your adult relationship and now your guy isn't sure he can handle it. If you break up, your daughter will be very much affected. Believe me, I've made that mistake myself.
Beyond that, I would say that the problem here is that his morals and values on this issue are very different than yours. He's of the belief that you shouldn't be involved with ex's, while you clearly believe otherwise. Personally, I think it's your obligation to be on as good of terms as you can be with your ex for the sake of your child, she's the one who will suffer from a poor relationship between you and your ex. But, if your boyfriend feels differently, he's not going to be able to accept that, and that's where the issue becomes unworkable. He believes one way, you believe another. You're just as apt to convince him that your way is good, right or "okay" and get him to go along happily and willingly as he is apt to convince you that his way is good, right or "okay" and have you refusing contact with your ex. You believe differently and beliefs don't change. You're going to hate to hear this, but at the five month mark, this is just one of many differences that are yet to discover about each other; there are plenty more to come. As many ways that you are right and as much talking as you've done, you're still going to find there are many things you don't agree on, many things you disapprove of (and he will find the same). There is no substitute for time to observe and get to know each other. There are literally hundreds of situations, topics and issues that haven't come up yet and you have no idea what his thoughts and beliefs are on those. There are many more that while you know what he's told you he thinks or how he reacts in situations, you've yet to see him in action, you don't know how what he says measures up to what he does.
Much as you don't want to hear it, you've got a lot to learn about this guy, and this one problem you've encountered is quite a big one. If you stay together it will be a problem for you throughout your relationship, and it will not be a small problem either; and your child will most definitely be affected by this issue throughout her childhood. Starting out with issues that you know won't go away is not a good way for a healthy, happy relationship to begin. Having morals and values that are compatible is key to a strong relationship, and you've already identified a cornerstone that's missing.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
There must have been some confusion. He's not of the belief I should have no contact with my ex-he realizes we must talk b/c we have a daughter and he's fine with that-and he has no reservations about my daughter. He adores her, and treats her as his own. Actually, I think he wishes she were. As for the ex, what he doesn't realize is that there is no contact left between us as far as "we" are concerned. Everything is paid off or separated now that we shared, which was the source of the animosity between us in the past, which fortunately for him, he missed.
And as for making a "marriage mistake", the only mistake I made was being too young (18) and not having enough self esteem to realize that I didn't have to settle for the first guy that came along, and think he was going to be the only one to ever come along. But obviously, there was a reason everything happened the way it did b/c I was blessed with my daughter.
Also, I was cautious w/ bringing my daughter into this. I told BF up front that he wouldn't meet her at first b/c I didn't want her attached to someone that may or may not be in the picture long term.
And finally, I realize time is what is needed here. I realize we have a lot to learn about each other, good and bad. I'm giving it time, which is what he's asked for, and I realize we both need. I'm just asking for advice from you guys in the mean time to help me figure some things out. And whether I want to hear some of the things you all have said or not, it's all good advice and I appreciate it just the same.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
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