New BF issue w/ Ex Hubby
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New BF issue w/ Ex Hubby
| Fri, 06-23-2006 - 4:29pm |
Long story short-I got married very young, with doubts, etc. Obviously it was for a reason though, b/c the marriage produced a beautiful daughter and I learned a lot about myself. We were married 5 years, are now divorced, and are finally to the point we can have a civil conversation. 5 months ago I met the man I am supposed to be with. Everything was perfect, he loved my little girl and me, we had planned on getting married in a year or so, our personalities and beliefs match perfectly, etc. Then, out of the blue, he tells me he thought he could deal with my ex being in the picture but he can't. So we are not broken up. I've tried everything I can to convince him the ex is not an issue. All ties from the previous marriage have now been taken care of and there is nothing left but sharing our daughter, which boyfriend understood. But he just can't get past the part about the "possibility" of the ex maybe causing an issue in the future. I feel like if I'm worth it, that shouldn't be a problem, and we'll deal with it if/when it happens. I've plead my case and now I'm just waiting to see if he can deal or not. Any advice? Waiting is killing me since I absolutely know w/o a doubt that we are right for each other. What's a girl to do?

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I've gotta put in my two cents worth regarding everyone's issue with "5 months". After a divorce, it's pretty easy to spot what you need and don't need. I can't speak for anyone but myself, but I knew I was going to marry my fiance 2 weeks after meeting him. We enveloped ourselves in a relationship that is loving, honest, and fun. I discovered with him that love is actually kind of easy if it's right. People make stuff way too complicated.
We've weathered a lot of storms, but we really don't argue. It's painful to hurt the one you love, so we TALK.
We said we loved each other at 3 1/2 weeks.
He told me he loves my 4YO daughter at about 3 months.
We've been together for a year and are planning a wedding.
Stranger things have happened.
There is no conlfict, but he is afraid that there will be conflict so he will not marry the women he loves.
You are right, does not make any sense. I stick by my earlier proposition. This is a "no fault" excuse he is using. He is not being totally honest with you what is going on with him.
Good luck, P.
Thank you becoverbeck, you've said what I couldn't really express. That's how we feel about each other too. And I know, and he's said he still does feel that way. That's why it's so hard for me to just accept that he has a hard time accepting the ex and the future problems he might cause. I know in my heart this is right. And while I'd never try to convince or badger someone into loving me, that isn't the case here. I know he does. I know he's capable of not letting this bother him. What I dont know, is why he's letting it get to him. That's why I feel theres more too it.
And why the heck isn't there a "sad" emoticon? That's what I really feel right now!
Of course stranger things have happened, and there are exceptions to every rule. However, the statistics for second marriages would disagree with your statement that "After a divorce, it's pretty easy to spot what you need and don't need." and then there's the part where normal human behavior comes into play..... I'd say there are an enormous number of people who repeat the pattern of choosing poorly (often but not always due to dysfunctional upbringing). It's all over the boards and all over "real life" too. At three weeks and five months into a relationship you only know what you know about a person. There's every chance that you'll continue to learn good, positive things that make the relationship right for you, there's also every chance that you'll find some stark differences and deal breakers.
Jumping ahead may be working for you, but I'm betting you don't think that's the norm.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Nope, I don't necessarily think that's the norm. However, most of the posts here are lumping her into the norm, and she may be an exception too.
Maybe it's better to put it this way and, again, I'm speaking from my own experiences: self examination, therapy, and time can put things into perspective. Without those 3 things I don't think I'd have made this turnaround. I did know what I was looking for after that, though it wasn't an immediate realization. I dated and made a lot of mistakes before meeting my fiance, so I wouldn't use the word "jumping".
Even the most devoted of men can have issues with their beloveds' exes. They're human too. I really think if she and her fiance see a counselor or, at least, do some reading up about this subject, they may find a common ground.
By the way, I do believe that upbringing and childhood experiences factor heavily into the mates we choose. I was sexually abused by 2 relatives as a child, and I chose the "safe guy" the first time around, even though the romantic love wasn't there. That's why I think therapy is so important, not only for divorce healing, but for traumas and tribulations in general.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
"After a divorce (fights, papers, court, crying, counseling, healing, and all the other wonderful memories), it's pretty easy to spot what you need and don't need."
I don't know how to be clearer, but you get the drift.
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