New BF issue w/ Ex Hubby

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2006
New BF issue w/ Ex Hubby
19
Fri, 06-23-2006 - 4:29pm
Long story short-I got married very young, with doubts, etc. Obviously it was for a reason though, b/c the marriage produced a beautiful daughter and I learned a lot about myself. We were married 5 years, are now divorced, and are finally to the point we can have a civil conversation. 5 months ago I met the man I am supposed to be with. Everything was perfect, he loved my little girl and me, we had planned on getting married in a year or so, our personalities and beliefs match perfectly, etc. Then, out of the blue, he tells me he thought he could deal with my ex being in the picture but he can't. So we are not broken up. I've tried everything I can to convince him the ex is not an issue. All ties from the previous marriage have now been taken care of and there is nothing left but sharing our daughter, which boyfriend understood. But he just can't get past the part about the "possibility" of the ex maybe causing an issue in the future. I feel like if I'm worth it, that shouldn't be a problem, and we'll deal with it if/when it happens. I've plead my case and now I'm just waiting to see if he can deal or not. Any advice? Waiting is killing me since I absolutely know w/o a doubt that we are right for each other. What's a girl to do?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2006
Tue, 06-27-2006 - 12:02pm
He says his problem is that we don't know for sure my ex won't cause problems in the future. I told him avoiding a relationship b/c of a possible problem is crazy. The issues b/t my ex and I are over and done with. We share a daughter, and that's it. He's dated someone with a child before, but the child's father wasn't a part of the childs life, so he wasn't in the picture at all. He says he understands that we share a child and appreciates the fact that ex is being a good father to her. He can't deal with the fighting b/t us, which I've explained to him doesn't exist anymore now that everything is done and gone. So I say what's left of the problem? He says he still needs to think about some things. That right there is why I have a hard time believing that this is the only issue. But I've covered everything else, and he says that's not it, so your guess is as good as mine.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2005
Tue, 06-27-2006 - 12:07pm

I've gotta put in my two cents worth regarding everyone's issue with "5 months". After a divorce, it's pretty easy to spot what you need and don't need. I can't speak for anyone but myself, but I knew I was going to marry my fiance 2 weeks after meeting him. We enveloped ourselves in a relationship that is loving, honest, and fun. I discovered with him that love is actually kind of easy if it's right. People make stuff way too complicated.

We've weathered a lot of storms, but we really don't argue. It's painful to hurt the one you love, so we TALK.

We said we loved each other at 3 1/2 weeks.

He told me he loves my 4YO daughter at about 3 months.

We've been together for a year and are planning a wedding.

Stranger things have happened.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2006
Tue, 06-27-2006 - 1:54pm

There is no conlfict, but he is afraid that there will be conflict so he will not marry the women he loves.

You are right, does not make any sense. I stick by my earlier proposition. This is a "no fault" excuse he is using. He is not being totally honest with you what is going on with him.

Good luck, P.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2006
Tue, 06-27-2006 - 4:27pm

Thank you becoverbeck, you've said what I couldn't really express. That's how we feel about each other too. And I know, and he's said he still does feel that way. That's why it's so hard for me to just accept that he has a hard time accepting the ex and the future problems he might cause. I know in my heart this is right. And while I'd never try to convince or badger someone into loving me, that isn't the case here. I know he does. I know he's capable of not letting this bother him. What I dont know, is why he's letting it get to him. That's why I feel theres more too it.

And why the heck isn't there a "sad" emoticon? That's what I really feel right now!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Tue, 06-27-2006 - 6:53pm
The sad emoticon is called "unhappy"
Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-27-2006 - 11:08pm

Of course stranger things have happened, and there are exceptions to every rule. However, the statistics for second marriages would disagree with your statement that "After a divorce, it's pretty easy to spot what you need and don't need." and then there's the part where normal human behavior comes into play..... I'd say there are an enormous number of people who repeat the pattern of choosing poorly (often but not always due to dysfunctional upbringing). It's all over the boards and all over "real life" too. At three weeks and five months into a relationship you only know what you know about a person. There's every chance that you'll continue to learn good, positive things that make the relationship right for you, there's also every chance that you'll find some stark differences and deal breakers.


Jumping ahead may be working for you, but I'm betting you don't think that's the norm.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2005
Wed, 06-28-2006 - 8:59am

Nope, I don't necessarily think that's the norm. However, most of the posts here are lumping her into the norm, and she may be an exception too.

Maybe it's better to put it this way and, again, I'm speaking from my own experiences: self examination, therapy, and time can put things into perspective. Without those 3 things I don't think I'd have made this turnaround. I did know what I was looking for after that, though it wasn't an immediate realization. I dated and made a lot of mistakes before meeting my fiance, so I wouldn't use the word "jumping".

Even the most devoted of men can have issues with their beloveds' exes. They're human too. I really think if she and her fiance see a counselor or, at least, do some reading up about this subject, they may find a common ground.

By the way, I do believe that upbringing and childhood experiences factor heavily into the mates we choose. I was sexually abused by 2 relatives as a child, and I chose the "safe guy" the first time around, even though the romantic love wasn't there. That's why I think therapy is so important, not only for divorce healing, but for traumas and tribulations in general.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-29-2006 - 12:21am

What you're saying now sounds quite a bit different than what I *heard* at first. IMO, "self examination, therapy, and time can put things into perspective. Without those 3 things I don't think I'd have made this turnaround. I did know what I was looking for after that, though it wasn't an immediate realization. I dated and made a lot of mistakes before meeting my fiance, so I wouldn't use the word "jumping"." is a lot different from "After a divorce, it's pretty easy to spot what you need and don't need." I agree wholeheartedly with the first statement -- you examined yourself, both on your own and with a professional, you spent time dating, made mistakes and learned from them. I absolutely agree that therapy is important.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2005
Thu, 06-29-2006 - 5:01am
Correction for semantics' sake:
"After a divorce (fights, papers, court, crying, counseling, healing, and all the other wonderful memories), it's pretty easy to spot what you need and don't need."
I don't know how to be clearer, but you get the drift.

 

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