New development in my recent breakup

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2004
New development in my recent breakup
3
Thu, 06-22-2006 - 3:08pm

I posted last week about my boyfriend and I breaking up because he still couldn't decide if he wanted kids. Well since then there have been some developments. He emailed me last Thursday a 4 page email pouring his heart out telling me how much he loves me and that he has been doing some serious thinking. He said that he thinks that 99% of the problem with him making decisions about kids and all the other things in his life are because of things that have happend in his past and he now wants to deal with them. He asked me for help in how to find a counselor and asked if he could call me this week. Well instead of calling, Monday he asked if he could come over for dinner wed night. I told him I was leery about it because I was still upset but that he could come over. He wrote back and said that he didn't want to upset me more but he just missed me and wanted to talk.

So, he came over to my house last night and we had dinner together. After dinner he wanted to just hang out. I said "I thought you wanted to talk" and he said I just missed you and wanted to hang out. It kinda irritated me because he wanted to act like nothing had happened last week. So I told him how I felt and we did talk for like 2 hours.

It was a good converstaion and much less upsetting than last week, but we haven't gotten back together. He basically told me that he wants to be with me but he feels like its too soon. He wants to sort himself out first before we start focusing on us again. He told me that he is going to go to a counselor and wanted me to know that he is doing this for him and not because I told him to or because I want him to. He said he would be going even if I never wanted to talk to him again. He said he's done a lot of thinking and he thinks he needs to do this for himself because there are a lot of things in his life that he is confused, unsure and upset about. He needs some help in how to make decisions. I agreed with him that he needs to go but I told him to consider going with me to couples counseling eventually as well. He said its something he will consider but wants to focus on himself first because he feels like this is 99% his problem.

This all makes sense and I want to try and understand but its still hard. It makes me sad that he feels like he can't do this and be with me at the same time. He said he feels like it would be more pressure and he's already feeling pressure now to figure stuff out. So he wants to stay broken up for now. However, the way he was talking it sounded like he thought he could still come hang out and call me all the time which in my mind isn't a break up. Its like he still wants the relationship but doesn't want to call it that. So, I basically told him I want to give him space to figure things out and if he doesn't want to get back together now then we need to act like this is a breakup. I told him that I would not be contacting him and that it would be up to him to contact me when he is ready.

This is so hard because he kept telling me he didn't really want to be broken up and that he loves me and misses me and I feel the same way so this is kinda hard to understand. I don't want to not see him or talk to him, but I don't want to fall back into the same pattern we had before where we just ignore the issue an pretend like nothing is wrong.

So I guess I gotta learn how to be patient now. Who knows how long this will take. He is leaving for a fishing trip to Canada tomorrow and won't be back until late wednesday night and then he has to catch up with work. He told me he is going to try and make a counseling appointment for the next week but that week is the 4th of July so who knows if he will be able to get in to see one that week. After he gets a chance to start this process, he said that we will talk about it again. But he said he will probably call me next week.

I'm going to try and take this time for myself to have some fun with my friends and try to sort all of this out in my own head. I feel hopefull but at the same time still a little sad. I don't want to get too hopefull in case this doesn't work out but I don't want to totally give up on it either. I want to believe that allowing him to do this will be good for both him and "us" but I'm still worried that it won't.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Thu, 06-22-2006 - 4:16pm

I think you are definitely doing the right thing in saying if he doesn't want to get back together now then we need to act like this is a breakup. I told him that I would not be contacting him and that it would be up to him to contact me when he is ready.


He has a very valid point, if he's truly going to pursue counseling to deal with his own issues -- it's often quite easier to do it on your own and sort of put everything else to the back burner.

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-22-2006 - 6:18pm

For those who aren't familiar with Jfur5's situation, you can find her previous posts here:








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-23-2006 - 12:25am

Jfur, I understand that this is really hard for you, and I know it really hurts. I agree with Kimbirdy that he may have hoped that you'd be willing to just slide back into your same old relationship, and honestly, as long as you continue to have contact, I think that will continue to be a danger.


I know what you really want is for him to want children and for the two of you to get back together. Wanting it see a counselor is a really good indication that he really wants to resolve this (and some other issues) in his life. The fact that he wants to do it for himself is a very, very good thing. But, the fact is that the therapist isn't going to convince him to want children and it's very possible that the result will be he is certain he doesn't want kids. The fact that he's going to counseling offers no assurance that anything will be different.


Staying in contact, even if brief, will keep you stuck and hurting. It won't allow you to move forward, to get past the deep hurt you're feeling now. You need to be able to get through this pain and move on with your life. Staying stuck where you are, feeling like this for who knows how long (and it may be a year or more) isn't right or fair. It would be torture and it would be existence, not living. I think making a no contact rule is important. He can contact you when he's through with therapy, or if/when he's certain he does want children and if you're still available and willing, you can resume your relationship. Staying out of contact until that time allows him to focus on his therapy and allows you to heal the hurt and live a life, rather than sitting on a shelf hoping there's a reason to be sitting there. Here's an article that explains why it's so important not to have contact after a break up, even though the article focuses on harmful relationships, it's true for all situations, harmful or not. I think you'll see that when you read it:


LETTING GO OF HARMFUL RELATIONSHIPS








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown



Edited 6/23/2006 1:01 am ET by cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"