New Here - Big Problems in Marriage

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2005
New Here - Big Problems in Marriage
35
Sat, 11-12-2005 - 11:16am

Hello everyone. I'm new here and could use all the advice I can get. My husband and I have been married for 8 years and have two children, his daughter from a previous relationship whom I have raised since she was 10 months old (she's now 10) and our son who is 7. My husband left for Mississippi to work for 3 weeks, I thought it was to get some work experience in his field and try to better himself. Apparently I was wrong, b/c now he says that he left to try to figure out whether or not he still wanted to be married to me. We are high school sweethearts who got married at 19. I thought we had a good marriage...the usual ups and downs, but nothing we couldn't get past. He came home from MS on Friday of last week. The weekend and Monday and Tuesday were wonderful. We made love numerous times and I thought that everything was good. While he was in MS, I was a basketcase, we had never been apart and I didn't handle it well. I tried to be supportive but I couldn't help but cry every time I heard his voice on the phone. He was supposed to be gone for 2+ months, but things didn't work out there and he ended up coming home early. On Wednesday of this week, I could tell something just wasn't right. I finally got him to open up about it, and he told me that he's not sure he wants to be married to me anymore. He isn't sure he's still in love with me. He says that he has felt this way for about 2 years and has just now found the courage to bring this up to me. He says that I bitch at him too much and that I have belittled him over the years to the point that there is a big brick wall between us that he just can't get past. We talked for a long time that night, and he really got everything out. We didn't argue, but a lot of emotions were revealed. I have been living in a fog ever since. I am fully aware that many of the points he made were very valid and my eyes are wide open to my many faults. I have told him that I am willing to do anything and everything that I can to save my marriage. He has a drinking habit and can be very irresponsible and carefee. I have always been the one that has taken charge in our marriage. All of our problems are certainly not my fault, but it has culminated in the fact that he can't get past how I've treated him. The only times in our marriage that he has ever said anything to me before was when he was drinking and got angry. He has always been a very loving husband who has worked very hard to provide for us.

We are going to see a marriage counselor on Tuesday. He says that he doesn't see much hope, but that he is willing to go into it with an open mind. Last night, however, he left his email account open on our computer. When I went to use it, I saw some emails from another woman. These emails were very raunchy and certainly not the type of thing that a married man should be involved in. I confronted him with it, and it turns out that she is a girl that he met when he worked at our local golf course this summer. She moved a long distance away at the end of the summer. He says that nothing happened between them until he looked her up while he was in MS. I believe him. He says that she was refreshing and that he was able to talk to her about me and air his feelings. He says that they have only talked on the phone and via email and that he has never cheated on me. I also believe this.

He has been so confused the past few days, as have I. He doesn't know what he wants. He knows he doesn't want to put the pieces of our marriage back together the way it's been, but isn't sure we can get back on track, or if that's even what he wants. Like I said before, we have been married for 8 years and have two children. We have a house and have been doing well for ourselves. I don't want to lose him. I love him. He says he still loves me but it's just not the same. He wants to make it work, but can't go back to the way things were. We talked for hours last night with no real results. We are going to see the counselor on Tuesday and I want to get some personal counseling as well.

Does anyone have any advice as to how I can save my marriage?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2005
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 7:42am

Thank you for your replies, Jen and cl-2nd life. I really appreciate your input. It helps so much to have an unbiased view of our situation.

I think that I've given you guys the wrong impression, at least somewhat. It's not that DH and I are not talking about the issues between us at all. We are, and quite a lot, actually. It's just that we aren't really delving deeply in to the reasons behind them. We are at such a touchy point in our marriage that I don't want to do anything to "rock the boat", so to speak. We are getting along, quite well actually, considering the circumstances. It's just that there is this little black cloud that follows us around all the time. I question everything in my own head..."will this upset him?", "what is he really thinking?", "Would he rather be with her?", "Will we still be together for the holidays next year?", "How long am I going to be able to live in this house?", etc., etc.....

For as long as we have been married, I've been the one that is primarily in control. I handle our finances, our schedules, all the little details. He's never wanted to, and frankly, I don't know that he could handle it. As I've said before, he can be very carefree...sort of hard to do when you have kids and a big mortgage. One of us has to be the responsible one, and that ended up being me. His drinking is a big part of the problem here as well. I am always the one to say that we can't go out b/c we have to do such and such, or we don't have the money, or whatever. Or I have to be the one to say you've had enough, it's time to go. To tell you the truth, I think that's what has led me to be as "bitchy" as I apparently have been to him. It really sucks to have to be the grown up in the relationship all the time. On the other hand, I am controlling by nature and am not sure that I could hand the details over to him. It would just be nice to have him step up to the plate once in a while and take charge of the some of the little things.

As far as the drinking goes...I'm really hoping that the counseling will help with that issue. For me to tell him that he has a drinking problem is one thing. I end up sounding like I'm harping on him, no matter how I word it, and I've been telling him the same thing for years. I hope that he'll begin to see how much it really does effect everything that happens within our family life and want to make the effort to change. When we went to the counselor the first time, he talked about the cycle of resentment and how it just snowballs. That his drinking and irresponsibility led to my bitching which led to him drinking more and so on. This really makes a lot of sense to me and I am hopeful that we will be able to find a way to break this cycle, but I think that can only happen if he stops drinking...completely.

In answer to some of your questions, I think it would help if I gave you a rundown of what I think brought us to this point. I don't know if I'm glossing things over or fooling myself or whatever, but this is what keeps coming to me. I think that DH left for MS and got a taste of what the single life was like, for the first time ever really. He went from living with his parents to us living together...the guys never even balanced his own checkbook, for God's sake! He went to MS with a guy who is divorced and doesn't have a very healthy view of marriage at all. I didn't like the situation, but DH talked me in to thinking that it would all work out ok. He wasn't happy at work (he works for his dad as an electrician and has since high school) and wanted to see if he could make it on his own, or so I thought...he later told me that he left b/c he wasn't sure he wanted to be married to me anymore and needed time to think about it. I was completely blown away by this, we weren't even having any issues when he left. I thought things were just fine between us and that he was going to miss me as much as I was missing him. Anyway, I got a little off track there. While he was gone, I was miserable. I missed him terribly and he wasn't getting any work, which really scared me b/c of our financial situation. I wasn't the easiest person for him to talk to on the phone, to say the least. I was home dealing with everything with the house, the kids, etc. and he was down there "looking for work"....and hanging out in the bars every night, as I found out later. The guy that he was there with knew "the OW" from when she worked here this summer and apparently they had called her on speaker phone a couple times and then DH started calling her on his own. He said that she was "refreshing" after I was being so hard to deal with and that it just sort of evolved in to more. I think that not seeing me and the kids, our lives together, kind of put him in to a different world all by himself that allowed him to do the sort of thing that I truly believe never would have happened had he not been away from us. By the time he came home, he had been talking to "her" for almost 2 weeks. For the first few days that he was home, he put up a good front and I didn't notice anything amiss. He was on the computer more often, but he just told me that he was catching up on news that he had missed while he was away. Four days after he got home, though, is when he sprung all of this on me. While I think that the issues he brought up are very vaild and do need to be addressed, I think his conscious got the better of him and he couldn't handle what was going on any longer. Of course, he wasn't ready to admit his part in the situation at that point and just pinned it all on me. I found his email account open a couple days later and read the emails to/from her.

I'm not telling you this to validate what he's done in any way. As I said before, it pisses me off that he could act like this and that he could do the things he's done. However, I do see how it happened...or at least this version of it. He betrayed our marriage vows, and I honestly don't know if I'll ever be able to fully forgive him for that. There will always be that little question in my mind, where before I trusted him completely in that arena. I think that I will also always be wondering if he's going to drop the other shoe some day and just walk right out the door. At this point, he obviously doesn't know how to communicate his feelings of anger toward me and that scares me to no end. Like cl said, I can't work on fixing a problem that I'm not aware of.

I can't believe how long this is getting...I'm sorry for being so long-winded. It just helps a lot to get it all out.

To answer some of your questions, cl....

NO, I am absolutely not taking responsibility for his drinking. That has been a problem for a long, long time and needs to be dealt with. It is his problem, but the way I've handled it is my problem. I love this man, and rather than harping on him all the time, I should have found a more constructive way to help him. This is going to be a big issue in our counseling sessions, absolutely.

I guess in some ways, I do feel that I have less reason to be angry about the OW b/c it was not physical. I don't think that I could handle it at all if it were physical, but then again, I wonder if it would have been had they been able to be together. I don't believe that anything happened while she was working here this summer. Everything is out on the table now, and I don't think he would hide that at this point. What he's done is bad enough. I do feel that our vows have been violated and I am angry about it. He says that he regrets his actions and he has stopped all contact with her...and believe me, I've checked his email history repeatedly and everything else I can think of.

I do feel like I'm his puppet at times. I am walking on eggshells right now, trying to hold this family together. But, it isn't all bad. I feel like we are making progress. He has only told me a couple times since we've been on the mend that he still has thoughts of leaving, and that's been when I've tried to talk to him about certain situations...namely when his cell bill with the calls to her came and when he went out drinking and didn't call and I had the kids here.

I’m not saving all disagreements for counseling. We have been talking about everything, but again, it’s only when I bring it up. He says that he’s not able to express what he’s feeling in to words. I asked him why he thought that was and he said that in every argument we’ve ever had, I know how to express myself better because I’m smarter that way and he doesn’t know what to say so he caves to what I’m saying. He thinks that the counseling will help with this, and I hope so. I’ve said it a thousand times before, here and to him, I can’t work on problems that I’m not aware of.

I have considered seeing the therapist on my own and fully intend to do that. We have four weekly sessions set up right now. The therapist wants to do those first and then set up some individual ones. I think that will help me tremendously, whether this ends up working out or not.

I don’t feel that you were too harsh, cl. It really helps to see other points of view and to realize that I’m not way off base here. Wish me luck with the counseling session today!

Thanks again for your responses!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2005
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 7:45am

Thanks for your resonse, Melissa. It helps to know that someone else has been there and made it through. I'm truly hoping that's what we can do. I'm leaving for work now and have the counseling this afternoon, but I will post tonight or tomorrow to let all of you know how it went.

cstar

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 11:24am

<>

Is there some secret book out there that men read where they get these lines? Cause I'll tell you that my DH has said almost the exact same thing. But that's when I say, you can bring it up when we aren't in an argument. TRY to talk at least.

I hope your counseling session goes great and I'm glad you two aren't just avoiding the issues altogether outside of counseling.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 12:36am

It does help to get it all out, write it all down. Don't worry about the length of your post or that you might be "going on and on". Write as much as you want/need to! I'm glad to know you are talking and not saving anything that isn't pleasant and rosy for counseling!


A couple of things I'd like to point out about alcoholism: Your therapist has mentioned that snowball effect, that he drinks, you get bitchy, which leads to him drinking more. I'm not quite on board with that one, and I don't think an addiction counselor would be either. Your bitchiness certainly may be due to his drinking, but if your bitchiness leads to more drinking then it's something that is a "trigger" for him. Be aware that addicts are famous for creating incidents that have them leaving in a huff armed with a *reason* to drink (or do whatever their addiction is). It's likely there are plenty of times that he pushes you to become bitchy or creates an incident that he's sure to get a reaction from you on so that he can justify drinking. It is widely known and recognized, recovering addicts will laugh and readily admit they did this. The bottom line is that alcohol is having a negative effect on his life; if the drinking went away so would the bitchiness.


You say you're the adult in the relationship, so was I in my marriage to an alcoholic. I paid the bills, managed all the finances, household problems, chores, all of it. And yes, it wasn't a job I wanted or asked for but somebody had to do it. I'd expected a partner and got a child instead. The fact is if they weren't out being irresponsible they could be part of the adult world, part of the answer instead of part of the problem. Your husband is taking the role of a teenager who has access to your checking account. He goes out when he wants and spends what he wants, leaving you to tend to the grown up things and responsibility; and he resents you - "mom" when you makes him stop, are upset or indicate he's doing other than what he should. No kidding your angry and bitchy -- you have every right to be. Not only is your husband irresponsible, but he's *forcing* you into the position of being responsible. The bottom line is he gets to do what he wants like he's a carefree kid and you are stuck at home saddled with the kids, the bills and all the responsibility for all of you. It's unfair and it's uneven, who wouldn't be angry, bitter and resentful. There. Now I've gone off on a tangent myself. :)


I understand your primary focus is on your marriage right now, but the alcoholism and the problems it brings are tied up in it pretty tightly, I don't think you can *fix* one without fixing the other. You're anger and resentment is due to his actions and unless they change you're anger and resentment aren't going to go away. You might be able to suck it up for a while, but sooner or later it'll blow back out, it can't not.


And from what you've said, he's still using threats and excuses big time. You said he's only mentioned thinking about leaving a few times -- once when you discovered the phone bill and when you were angry that he didn't bother to come home when you had extra kids over. Surely you see it's an attempt to quiet you down, to stop you from confronting him and and attempt to avoid facing what he's done, right?


I also hear what you're saying about how you see his involvement with this woman. Well, I'm sorry, but I don't see it that way, not at all. First of all his contact with her began BEFORE his trip and if I remember right, lasted all summer. He may have never been on his own before, but he knows how to say "no", he knows what's right and wrong and he knows where his loyalties lie -- at home. He's an adult. Being off on his own is no excuse to get involved with anyone or do anything that he knows isn't appropriate at home. He had more opportunity, that's all. His friend isn't responsible, his freedom isn't responsible. He's got the same head with the same decision making abilities in your town and in MS. He made his choice. Opportunity only proves character. Would you have done the same thing? If you had, would you "understand" or "excuse" it due to the circumstances? In all honesty his behavior isn't acceptable for a teenager with a girlfriend, it's simply not excuseable under any circumstance or for any reason. He had a clear choice, and he made that choice, he could have easily said "no" or not made the call. And I just have to say, you're worrying about whether he's thinking about her, wishing he was with her, etc.? Well probably he is, why wouldn't he? With her he plays a fantasy, no responsibility, no house, kids, mortgage, need to go home, etc. It's all fun and games and it isn't reality, not at all. Of course she wins, in his fantasy (and as much he knows her it's all good stuff, she's showing him her best side and he's showing her the same. You think Ms. Sweetness is Ms. Sweetness 24/7? Not in the real world! She has faults, problems and there are things about her he wouldn't like, wouldn't approve of and just plain wouldn't accept. The same can be turned around, they're all flirty and company manners, that's not how he usually is, you know that. The version they've shown each other isn't close to reality. How long do you think Ms. Thing would be happy being the responsible one? How long do you think she'd tolerate his alcoholism? He may be thinking about leaving, but I'd be willing to lay down cash that he wouldn't stay long before she'd kick his sorry rear out.


In regard to his drinking you said "I should have found a more constructive way to help him." You can't "help" an alcoholic, you can stop enabling them by letting them face the consequences of their actions, but any other "help" only enables the acoholic behavior and likely prolongs the drinking as it allows them to continue to believe that alcohol really isn't causing a problem in their lives. For instance, instead of picking you husband up out of your parent's truck and driving him home, his keys should have been pulled to make sure he couldn't drive anywhere and he should have been left slumped over in the truck. It's harder to deny that it was a problem when he wakes up to face the condition he passed out in the night before. Same if he passes out on the couch, the living room floor, in a pool of vomit, amidst a floor full of items that he broke and/or destroyed. Whatever the mess, whatever his condition, he should be made to wake up just as he passed out and he alone should be the one to clean it up. If it's all tidy when he gets up it "wasn't that bad", is easy to excuse away. Not so easy when you're in the middle of it. When you were angry that he stayed out to drink with friends instead of coming home to help with the extra kids he said you were "making too much of it". He minimizes his actions. A healthy, equal partner would have apologized to you, said, "You're right, I was very wrong to have done that, I apologize." Instead he shifts the blame to you, it's "not that big a deal" and if you keep on being angry about it he's going to tell you he's thinking about leaving again. Don't you find it interesting that leaving seems to tie in with running away from facing responsibilities for his action?



It sounds like your counselor has a really good plan set up with you, four sessions together will give him or her a good idea of what's going on, how it plays out, etc., and from there he'll be able to help you individually as well.


I'd really urge you to post on the Dealing with Addictions board. I think you'd be surprised how much you're saying is identifiable as typical in alcoholics. I also strongly suggest you find an Al-Anon group in your area. You'll learn a lot about what does and does not work with alcoholics, what does and does not help and generally how to co-exist with them. You can find more information and a group in your area here:
Al-Anon







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown









"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2005
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 1:15am

Hi everyone. We went to our second counseling session...and it did not go well, to say the least. Our counselor started out by reviewing some of what we discussed during our last session. During that session, DH had said that he wasn't sure that he wanted to stay in our marriage. He told him about all the anger that he has towards me for the way that I have treated him...being bitchy all the time, nagging and belittling him. I told him that the majority of those issues stem from DH's drinking.

Almost immediately in today's session, the drinking was brought up. The counselor really laid in to my DH about the way that his drinking affects our family and our marriage. I relayed a couple recent stories of how the drinking has had an affect on our relationship. DH admitted that he has a drinking problem, but said that he doesn't want to change that. The counselor basically told us that he can not help us if alcohol is still in the picture. He said that it is like having a third person in our relationship b/c DH is always defending it, and is loyal to the drinking above all else. He said that in order for any of this to work, DH would need to at least cut back drastically, if not completely. DH didn't like that at all. During the session, I could just see him getting angrier and angrier. He made all kinds of excuses for his drinking, but eventually agreed that he would have to change it. The counselor brought out a book that listed all of the contributing factors to alcohol dependency and DH fit the bill on every one of them. That was really scary to me.

Anyway, at the end of the session, the counselor told us that we need to sit down and work out a plan and decide if we want to continue with couples counseling or if one or the other of us will attend our next session alone. DH told him that we would both be there for the next meeting.

In the truck on the way to pick up his work van, DH barely said a word to me. He got out of the truck and said "see you at home"...that's it. When he got home, he was spitting mad. Still didn't say a word to me, just sat looking at a catalog for a while and then jumped up to take a shower. Tuesday night is his pool night, and we had planned for my mom and I to go with him and my dad. He got out of the shower and asked if I was coming with him. This was over an hour before we should have been leaving. I said that I wanted to but that it wasn't time to go yet. He again asked if I was coming and I told him not yet because nobody would be there. He left. I called his cell once and he said he didn't know if he was even going to pool and then we lost the connection. I called my mom and lost it for a few minutes before I got myself under control. Then, DH came home again. I'm still not sure why. We started talking a little about what had happened. He just said "it's not going to work" and I asked what wasn't going to work. He said "us", "all of this". I asked him if he still loved me and he said that he didn't think so "after today". I asked him why the counseling session would make him think like that and what I had to do with what was said. He started on this whole speel about how, as always, everything is all his fault and that he just can't do everything right. That somehow I managed to make this all about me and how I feel again. I told him that he sounded like a pity party and that I don't feel that way at all. I completely acknowledge my part in our situation, but also realize that the drinking is a very large part of our problems.

We talked a little more and then I told him that he should listen to what the counselor had to say and try it. I said that we could try it for a month...him not drinking as much and me continuing not to bitch and controlling my anger. He never really gave me an answer on that, but said that he would think about everything tomorrow. He just kept going back to it all being his fault and that he can't do it anymore. Then he put his shoes on and said he was going to pool. I asked him to wait 5 minutes for me to get ready and he did. When I was ready, I asked him if he was going to be civil to me at pool and he said he would be.

Everything was fine at pool. He didn't drink very much at all, which isn't easy to do there b/c the other guys are always buying rounds. He was a little distant, and my mom said that she could tell he had a lot on his mind, but he was fine. He was even talking to me about how he wants to finish our basement so we can hang out down there and shoot pool together and stuff. He kissed me a couple times and touched me the way he normall would. He was fine all the way home...we had picked up our daughter, so there was no talking about anything then. When we got home and put DD to bed, he sat down in his chair with his "tortured thinking face" on. I gave him a few minutes and did a couple of things and then asked him if he wanted to talk about it. He said "now is not the time". I asked for a hug and he wouldn't give me one. I asked if he was coming to bed tonight and he said that he didn't think so. I asked if he thought that would help things and he said "probably not, but that's what I'm doing tonight". I gave him a kiss and said goodnight. So, I'm in our room typing away and he's sleeping in his chair right now.

Honestly, I don't know what's going to happen now. For someone from outside to tell him that he has a drinking problem and that he needs to slow down or quit completely was hard for him to hear, I know that. People around us, his parents namely, have been telling him that for a long time. Right now, though, I don't think he feels as though his problems are being addressed by our counselor and that all of the blame is being placed on him and his drinking. That isn't what I had hoped would happen. As I've said before, I take full blame for my part in this mess. I have a feeling that the next few days, at least, are going to be back to minute by minute and full of stress.

I love this man with all of my heart and I don't want our marriage to end. Before he left for MS, I thought we were reasonably happy. His drinking did come in to play quite often, but not enough that I would have ever thought of ending our marriage and I don't want it to end now. I just hope that he can step up to the plate now and make some changes in his behavior as well. Whether or not he is with me, I will be at the next counseling session next week. He said that he thinks he needs some personal counseling as well, so I am going to set that up for him, too.

Anyway, sorry this was so long again. I really helps me to put my feelings down here and to get your feedback on the situation. Thanks for listening....keep your fingers crossed for me!

cstar

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2005
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 10:10am
He is pouting now. He wants you to back off and leave him alone so he can go back to doing the same thing he has always done. Keep going to counseling! I don't care if you go by yourself or not, just go. I don't think he is going anywhere anytime soon. He is having a temper tantrum though. He is seeing that he is wrong and he doesn't like it. You may want to back off him for a little while now. Let him think. He is getting it and really doesn't like it. He may threaten to leave alot now but he is just trying to manipulate you. When he does it, walk away. If he follows you, walk away again. If you have to say something, tell him you will discuss it with him when he can act like an adult and stop blaming you for everything. If you have to, get your DD and leave for a little while. He will get better (I hope) he just doesn't like it now. You may want to go to the meetings for family members of alcoholics, they can help you too. Remember you can not make him change, he has to change by himself. But I swear, my DH acted the same way when we were in counseling. YOU will get through this.
Melissa
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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2005
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 10:41am

Thanks, Melissa. That makes a lot of sense. You put in to words what I'm thinking. I just hope that he sticks around long enough to figure it out. I called our counselor's office this morning and set it up for us to have separate counseling for the next couple weeks. At this point, there is no sense adding more fuel to the fire by going to the sessions together. I think we both need some personal counseling anyway.

I called his mom this morning and told her that things were not going well b/c of the counseling session and what had happened. She said the same thing...that he knows his drinking is a huge problem, but that he probably isn't ready to face it completely yet. I'm going to get together with her tomorrow to talk about it some, that should help.

I know that he needs his space right now. I am going to try to give him that. I'll just have to keep myself busy when we are home together and let him have time to think and react. This time of the year is so hard for this, though. We have so many obligations to fulfill with the holidays coming up....kid's functions, Christmas parties, shopping, etc.

Nobody ever said this was going to be easy, though, and I think my marriage is worth fighting for. Let's just pray that he wakes up and realizes that before it's too late.

Thanks again for your support.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 1:49pm

<>

I swear there is a book out there.

I'm sorry about how everything went. I'm sorry that we can't get our DH's to wake up and be reasonable. Hopefully your DH will see the light and work on things with you. But the counselor is right, HE can't help you as long as the drinking is in the picture.

(((Hugs))) and I hope talking to your MIL today helps.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2005
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 2:08pm

If you would like to talk to someone who's been wehre you are - an enabler....and became an alcoholic as a result - been in recovery 10 years now and have created a great life. I'm happy to talk to you on email.

What you have is not a "marital" problem. It's not "his drinking" either.

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2005
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 5:15pm

Thank you for your replies, Jen and wingblade2005. I really appreciate the support. Today has been really hard. I just feel like I'm sliding right back in to that big black hole that I was in a couple weeks ago. I haven't spoken to DH since early this morning and don't know if I'll hear from him or not. He said he would call after work to let me know if he was going to be home or not before we have to go to dinner with friends for a birthday. We'll see...

I would like to clear something up, though. I don't believe, truly, that the issues between us are all about his drinking. I have plenty of my own problems, too. I only drink occassionally, socially, though. I think what we need to do is find a happy medium and learn to meet each other in the middle. It's frustrating to me that everybody automatically blames his drinking for all of it. I can only imagine how he feels.

He doesn't break things, he isn't abusive, and he doesn't get sick and pass out all the time. He just always has a beer in his hand and that can get in the way of normal family life and a normal relationship oftentimes.

At least he's here and I hope I can find a way to keep him here. It's going to take a lot of work on both our parts. I just don't know if he's willing right now.