new here have question..

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
new here have question..
9
Thu, 08-10-2006 - 3:16pm

Real quick glimpse of why I am here...I have been married almost 12 years and honestly for most of them I have not been happy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Thu, 08-10-2006 - 3:55pm

Kate,


One thing you really need to know about counseling is that just because a therapist has been trained to do individual counseling does not mean they've had training to do couples counseling.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2006
Thu, 08-10-2006 - 4:21pm

Hi Kate,

I understand your situation well. I went through something so similar with my EX. He's a good man, good father, etc and we had a good life. I don't know what your situation is but my DH and I married too young. He grew into a sensitive, NICE,salesman type guy who had no interest in things like football, hunting, or any of what I consider guy stuff. He was in touch with his feminine side I guess you could say but he was a good man. While he was a great friend and wonderful person, I wasn't attracted in ANY way. He was more like a brother. During the last few years it was obvious that it wasn't working and we even talked about it. I suggested counseling but he had no interest in it. I didn't realize that people went individually for marital issues. Looking back, I sure wish I had done that. It didn't work out for us and we divorced. I am married to a man now who is much more masculine. There's good and bad of course, but I do love DH very much. As for me personally, it all worked out.

Now for my dauther-she was devastated. She felt divided, and has so much trouble dealing with this. She went from a big house, lots of friends, fantastic neighborhood to a small little bity house in a new state, with no friends. Her Dad and I remain friends and I'm sure that's helped her, but she's definitely suffered from it. She lived there a year, then here a year, then back there a year. She wanted to come back here again this year but I finally said No. She only wants to go back and forth because no matter where she is, she misses the other parent and feels like she's missing something at the other place. She's going to a great school there and I feel it's best that she doesn't change again. She just left after being here all summer though, and was so sad to leave.

If I had to do it over again, I would have done some things differently. I still would have divorced. I would have tried individual counseling first though. I would not have moved back to my home town. (even though I wanted to be near my family)I would have stayed in the same town until my daughter graduated.

I am happy now, happily married, near my family, great job, etc. My daughter is the one who suffered the most though even though we've done everything we can think of to minimize that. I've never felt that staying married for the sake of the children is healthy because they see you so unhappy. I still feel that way through it all, but do wish I had done a few things differently.

Good luck to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-10-2006 - 9:08pm
Welcome to the board, Kate ~


First and foremost, I'm going to echo everything Kim said and I hope you'll come back and give us more detail; the questions she asked are important in giving you thoughts and suggestions that fit your situation.


I divorced ten years ago, when the kids were 8 and 4. Their father was an okay dad, not great, but he was also a functioning alcoholic and verbally and emotionally abusive to me. So, in that respect, regardless of what they saw or didn't see, he was definitely not good for them. After I announced I was done with the relationship but before he actually moved out, we saw a child therapist to discuss the best way to approach the separation in a way that would be best for the kids. The kids also saw a therapist after the separation to help them deal with issues they had. There are certainly things that can be done to minimize damage and to maintain emotionally healthy kids in divorce. I'm not so much "pro-divorce", as I am "anti-unhappy life". Know that the relationship you have with your husband is what your children are watching and rehearsing for their own adult lives. If you want them to have happy, healthy, satisfying relationships you have to show that to them by living the example that you want them to live. I also think you two separate happy adults can raise children that are better adjusted than a couple that contains a partner who is not happy or satisfied.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Fri, 08-11-2006 - 3:54pm

Thank you all so much for the reply's.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2006
Fri, 08-11-2006 - 4:17pm

Kate,

I don't know what advice to give you. I could only share the ups and downs of my story. I know what a difficult place you are in, and I just wanted to wish you the best of luck in whatever you choose to do. So many positives came out of my getting divorced, and so many negatives as well. I am happier, but I know my daughters not and that's the very hardest part. I don't believe she would be better off having seen her parents stay together in a loveless marriage, but that still doesn't make me feel better for the hurt we caused her by divorcing. I wish you and your children all the best.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 08-11-2006 - 4:33pm

That's a good sized commute. I was annoyed when my H had an hour commute each way. Is traffic a bear or is it just distance?

It sounds like your H is very unhappy too. Though probably with something about himself. And it sounds like he cuts you down. I'm sorry about that. I hate when things like this happen and kids get caught in the crossfire.

Good luch with the counselor.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-14-2006 - 1:11am
Kate, I'm so sorry it took me so long to get here. What you've said is so much more than you being unhappy and so much more than what impact it will have on your friends, parents and children. So much more. Your husband's behavior is unacceptable, demeaning and disrespectful. I get the feeling that when he attacks and demeans you as you described in your evening out with friends that you just accept it? Quite frankly, at the least I would tell him off right then and there and tell them to return me home because I would not be going anywhere with him, period. You have nothing to apologize for, he is the one who's acted abhorrently. Furthermore, at home I would ask him what the hell he thought he was doing talking to me and about me that way. I would also tell him he had a choice, change it NOW or get out, period. Seriously. You've separated once over this, and here it is again. Does he think you didn't mean it? Does he think he can treat you like crap and you're just going to live with his abuse your whole life? Of course you feel trapped, you're being emotionally beat up and made to feel worthless. He's telling you you're not doing an acceptable job, that you're incompetent and a disappointment. How could you feel good about yourself? I'm sorry Kate, but your parents and your friends don't have to live with the abuse, the put downs, the demeaning behavior, you do. You live your life, they don't. Living life like this is living life of demoralization. Your partner is supposed to help you grow, not destroy you.


You say your kids are the reason that you stay. Have you thought about what living with the example of "appropriate" husband is doing to your kids? Your daughter is learning that the way your husband treats you is how men should behave, and she's learning it's what women should expect, accept and it's what they deserve; it must be, mommy puts up with it every day. She's not learning how to have an equal partner, she's learning how to be subservient, someone who will not be good enough, who will be put down and verbally attacked. Even if she grows up hating what you two do, she'll only be learning how to deal with relationships like this, verbally abusive relationships. She's only learning how to behave, how to respond in this kind of situation. She'll only feel "at home" with someone who acts like good old dad does with mom. Your relationship is the classroom, your children are understudies for the roles you're living today. You're not doing either of your children any favors by growing up watching daddy cut down mommy. You're teaching boys to be just like dad and you're teaching girls how to be in relationships just like mommy.


Here are some articles from the Domestic Abuse Board's Homepage


What is Verbal Abuse? (please take the time to read the intro, it's slow but it's sooo right on)
Signs of Potential Abuse: Need to Know
Traits of an Abusive Personality
Know What Domestic Violence Is
Power and Control
Extensive DV Checklist
General Characteristics of Verbal Abuse
The Power of Verbal Abusers Reality
Common Characteristics (Victim/Abuser)
The Mind of an Abuser
Is Your Relationship Healthy?

As far as counselors go, your counselor should be able to tell you she has a certificate or other accreditation in couples counseling. If she tells you she is licensed for individual counseling but also does couples counseling, you need to cancel your appointment, she is not qualified and will likely do you more harm than good. Have you and your husband been to counseling on this kind of issue before? If so, how does he behave in the session, and what did your last therapist think of his attitude and actions toward you?

Sorry to bury you like that, I know how you feel, my ex-husband was verbally abusive as well. I too was a SAHM with two kids, they were eight and four when I left, I had no job at the time but couldn't live that way another minute. It was hard, very hard, but I never regretted my decision for a second.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 1:45pm
Thanks to all of you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2006
Thu, 08-17-2006 - 5:51pm
Hi,
I think what you are feeling is pretty typical for women after years of marriage and kids!
It is like...is this all there is?! It is great that you are going for counseling....just be sure that you have a couselor, whom can help you come up with specific ideas on how to solve problems, not just find blame and re-hash problems. Check out divorcebusting.com to get info on finding a good counselor or coach....you want someone that knows how to make your marriage better than ever! It worked for me:) Lots of luck!