New here need some support

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2011
New here need some support
5
Mon, 10-31-2011 - 12:40pm

I have heard great things about ivillage and it seems like a logical place for me to look for support and guidance.

I am a 27 year old mother of two girls ages 2 and 4.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
Tue, 11-01-2011 - 2:00am
The old insecurity bug- its nasty isn't it? I suffer from that myself. I think that when we "see" ourselves, we aren't really "seeing" us as others do. A Mirrored reflection can only tell us so much about us. When we talk with others and see their emotions and thoughts reflected from their faces we get to see beyond that snapshot into the hearts and minds of others. How many people have you met and/ or known in your life that you looked, passed over possibly initially but over time as you got to know them you saw them as they truly are? How many beautiful people have you known who weren't quite so gorgeous after they talked about something or acted a certain way? I think that your fiancé sees your beauty for what it is and how you present yourself to the world. Your stretch marks show that you are strong and. Veteran. Don't ever underestimate the value of your war wounds, because you earned em! Pregnancy isn't easy! I think your fiancé loves you just how you are and just how you look. If you are anything like me, it doesn't matter how good I look, what size jean I'm in. I am never enough to ME. But physically my husband has always told me I was beautiful.( no matter what thru every change). And I guess as I type to you and myself really, until we believe in ourselves, accept ourselves for what we are and not fret about what we aren't, until we see our own reflection and try to see what others do, we won't every be happy or feel as beautiful as we are. So , tommorow or today whatever time zone u r in, as you look in the mirror while getting ready for the day don't be afraid to give yourself a wink, tell yourself you are "gorgeous darling" and see how that works. I'll do it too and we can post back later to see how long we need to do that before it works! Lol. Honestly though, it would be tragic for you to lose a keeper. Take care, Goodluck.
Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001
Tue, 11-01-2011 - 2:04am

Welcome to the board, Mrssmith922 ~

I'm sorry you're struggling, but I sure understand it.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2011
Tue, 11-01-2011 - 10:46am

Thank you so much for taking the time to read and respond.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
Tue, 11-01-2011 - 9:43pm
Smith- what brought me to this board was because my husband did cheat on me. It has been a devastating experience on many levels. I am forever changed someways not so good, but in other ways for the better. The only person you can truly trust is yourself and sometimes not even that. what I have learned about cheating is this: it wasn't about me and what I isn't have. Cheating is about the cheater, their insecurities and their need for attention and validation from someone else. It is also about sex with someone new and different. You could be the perfect wife but it won't change what is inside a cheaters mind and what thy selfishly feel they are entailed to at the time. Where i am going with this is that your fiancé wont cheat with you because you are not something. He may cheat because he is not something and he is looking in the wrong places because he believes that others are responsible for his happiness.

With that said, even if your worst nightmare occurs, you already know that you are strong and very capable of caring for yourself and your children. You already have stability in your home. If he doesn't love you and your children then he doesn't deserve you and good riddance.

What does have me thinking is why he wouldn't introduce when you are out? Why so cozy with so many females? Does he know how afraid you are and how fragile you are? I don't mean that in a negative way towards you. I mean that if he knew would it change anything? He should go out of his way to ensure you are comfortable and relaxed. do you feel that his boundaries are appropriately drawn when it comes to women? In other areas of your relationship has he shown he is trust worthy?

It sounds ridiculous sometimes but my gut instinct and intuition was my most effective tool post affair discovery. It was all I had to tell me that something was wrong and that my husband wasn't being completely honest. My gut was right.

In the end all you can really do is talk to him openly and honestly, put our fears to him and explain why you feel the way do. If something makes you uneasy tell him, give him a chance to respond. Now is the time to figure that all out before you get married and you add another layer of complication.

I think you already have an inkling and whatever it is, it is okay. You are in charge of your life and your kids. You have the power and intelligence to do whatever you want. Fear can be crippling as can insecurity, but in either case you have to own those things in yourself and accept them and try really hard to not let them rule your life. For me, once I accepted that I can only control myself and my own actions it helped. I cannot control my husband or what he chooses to do, but I can make my own choices based on what he has done.

I am sorry that this wonderful time has been dampened by our past. Keep what ou. Need from the past but leave most of it where it belongs. You are not a little girl anymore, and you are not that same lung woman who had kids quickly with a man who did not realize his treasure. You are a grown woman who is much stronger than she thinks she is. You will always be good enough, but you have to start believing that. My very best to you.



Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001
Wed, 11-02-2011 - 12:09am

What you've posted about your mother makes it even more evident that you need a therapist to help you resolve this.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_