New here. Spouse is inconsiderate sometimes

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2011
New here. Spouse is inconsiderate sometimes
27
Wed, 07-20-2011 - 3:36pm

I'm really hoping to gain some clarity at some point.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Wed, 07-20-2011 - 4:41pm

I'm wondering what he did wrong in ANY of these instances you're talking about.

-Father's day - Meant to be spent with kids, not girlfriend. So his planning wasn't great, he still got to spend father's day with his children which is the point.

-Your birthday - Sorry, just because he didn't jump at the chance to be with you but plans changed and he did make it up to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 07-20-2011 - 5:28pm

The 1st 2 incidents I don't really see a problem with.

Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
Wed, 07-20-2011 - 5:28pm

Honestly, these sound like trivial matters to me. Particularly the first incident - I don't know how his kids feel about you but did you ever stop to think that maybe the kids wanted to spend father's day with JUST their father, not their father's partner?

At first glance, it does seem careless to go out to dinner with his kids on your birthday instead of spending it with you - but it sounds like they were in his care that night and since his custody is obviously split with his ex, I think you need to be understanding of the fact that the time he has with his children is especially important to him since it's limited. He did make it up to you by going out to dinner to celebrate your birthday on another night.

Why do you feel the need to text him just because you got to the restaurant before he did? Do you feel the need to know exactly where he is at all times? You need to realize this is not normal or healthy behavior.

As for the last incident - I'm not clear on all the details. Did he wind up being late? You say he didn't call to say he would be late but you don't mention if he was actually late or not. If he wasn't, what's the big deal? If he was late, you're right that he should have called you and let you know but it's still a pretty trivial issue if you ask me.

You come across as pretty demanding and controlling. Every little thing has to revolve around you and go your way and if it doesn't, it's somehow his fault. Particularly when you say that you think his children are a "distraction" from you - you come across as being jealous of his children. A person's children will always and should always comes first in their life... if that's not something you can handle, you need to find a childfree relationship.

Seriously - if these are the biggest "issues" you and he have, you don't know how good you've got it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2011
Wed, 07-20-2011 - 5:54pm

I understand what you are both saying. However I disagree. He has stated no one takes a priority and we are all important. I trust that. No, I am not one of those women who think that kids always take priority.

Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001
Thu, 07-21-2011 - 1:27am

A belated welcome to the board, Keptname ~

A couple of questions...

*Did you ask why he scheduled the dinner so late?

*Were you texting him at the restaurant because he was later than you expected?


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
Thu, 07-21-2011 - 4:55am

"My bday was not a scheduled visitation day. He volunteered to drive out. I get that and was fine with that. But when the game was cancelled his son was coming home with him. His daughter opted to hang out with her friends. He should have come home to spend time with me on my bday instead of making dinner plans without me."

But you were okay with him not spending your bday with you when it was a baseball game - so why should he change his plans just because it got cancelled? What difference does it make to you if they went to a baseball game or went to dinner? I agree with 2nd life that once he was with his son, it wouldn't have been right to drop him like a hot rock as soon as the game was cancelled. It would suggest that he didn't really want to be with his son, he would rather be with you... and frankly, I get the impression that's exactly what you want. You want him to rather be with you than his children and you want his behavior to show that.

"I think that unless you are in a step situation its hard to understand. Most people in non-step situations tend to think that kids always take priority and the man's main role should be a dad."

But equally, your feelings on the matter are bias. Your emotions cloud your judgement. You came here for outside opinions and that's what you got. And while it's true that I am not in a step situation, you don't know what situation others who have replied are in. You're just assuming anyone who disagrees with you must not be in a step situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Thu, 07-21-2011 - 9:40am

I totally agree with this...

I know that keptname really doesn't want to believe that she is wrong, and I can't say she is "wrong" for feeling whatever she wants to feel, but it's very plain to me, as an outsider, that her expectations are impossible for her boyfriend to meet. Is it great for him to yell at her in front of family? No. Taken by itself, that's inexcusable. But it's important to look at WHY a person reacts the way they do, and if you really think about it, it's clear that he is frustrated with the fact that he can never win with her and EVERYONE has a point at which they snap. Everyone.

This is classic Female Abuse and I have seen it many times. Unfortunately, it's almost unrecognizable from the outside. A woman will very subtly push a man so far that he can't take it anymore, and when he finally releases anger, HE is the one with "anger issues" and SHE takes the defensive "victim" role. And the woman will know that anyone will take her side against a man with "anger issues".

OP, you REALLY do not want to be this person. You can tell us that we have no idea what it's like to be a step-parent but many of us know how it feels to be in a relationship with a person who is impossible to win with. You can live in denial that none of this is your fault, and tell yourself that it's his fault for having anger issues and not always including you in his life, but if you really sit down and think about your man as a separate human being with his own wants and needs, and not just as an extension of yourself, you will realize that he's acting the way any human being would who is pushed to their limit by someone who consistently sets him up for failure.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Thu, 07-21-2011 - 10:21am

Great post, Crabby!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Thu, 07-21-2011 - 12:17pm

PS - There's nothing wrong with not being invited sometimes. It's really healthy for kids to have a one-on-one relationship with each of their parents. I never had one with my father growing up, and our relationship as adults is awkward.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2009
Thu, 07-21-2011 - 12:32pm
I don't know why you're being raked over the coals here. (hang with me, I can't make paragraphs today for some reason.) << He got mad because you texted him asking where he was, and he came to dinner, yelled at you, and refused to speak to ANYONE through the whole dinner? Wow. What a whiny baby attitude he took. <

 

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