New Here! Would Love Your Help!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2005
New Here! Would Love Your Help!!!
24
Wed, 07-06-2005 - 4:51pm

I've been with my husband for 10 1/2 years, we've always had our ups and down! Mostly downs. We've broken up and gotten back together during that time we have two beautiful girls. The thing is he cheated on me when we first got together I was hurt but more angry that i open my heart to someone and he hurt me, I could not trust him anymore. We broke up a couple times and got back together but i could never shake the feelings he will cheat on me. I always feel women have a six sense and I could tell when something is wrong, every time that happens I would ask him what's going on and he would say nothing. But I had my suspicions and they all have been true, he have a lot of female friends, I didn’t mind but he never mention to couple of them we were married or got back together, when I found this out I told him to leave and don’t come back, but he don’t want to go. I’ve always been there to support him financially.

Most of his friends I don’t know, and he keep making excuses why we don’t go out with his friends or why he can’t take me here or there. I always catch him in a lie and I’ve told him I’m not happy and I would like for us to separate, but he still won’t leave! I’ve tried to do things with him but he’s always busy with his games and friends!
What next step should I take since I’m not happy in my marriage? All I do is work go home be with my kids….I don’t even go and hang out…!! WHAT SHOULD BE MY NEXT STEP SINCE HE WON'T LEAVE!!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 07-18-2005 - 9:33am

Fidelity:

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2005
Tue, 07-19-2005 - 9:56am

I think this is my first step of counseling, he claim he's not sleeping with anyone yes he have a lot of female friends but he's not doing anything with them! They (female) want to sleep with him and I would say to him, well if you keep telling the you are single what else you think they would say. Well that was my last straw I've removed myself, I am in the process of filing for legal separation and I've asked him to move out with legal papers he have no other choice but to move out.

I tired of being taking for granted over and over, I don’t feel all that bad……this too shall pass!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 07-19-2005 - 10:48am

Whoa...he tells them his is single!


Plush, you and your daughters are in my prayers. And although I would love to be able to encourage you to work this thing out, you really have nothing to work with.

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-20-2005 - 2:34am

Good for you, Plush, this kind of situation isn't worth staying in. Filing for legal separation that includes you having the house is a good move -- assuming it's not a threat or a ploy to get him to "see the light". Since you've kicked him out before and let him back in you have to know he'll be expecting that it'll be the same this time. Just yesterday you said you were giving him the summer, what made you decide to begin proceedings today?


Since you mentioned that you'd been separated for a long period of time before, I'm confused as to why you'd cite watching your girlfriends struggle with being a single parent rather than looking at your own experience? For me, being a single parent was at times hard, at times it was incredibly hard (poverty) but at no time was I not glad to be out of the mess of a marriage I'd been in and at no time did I even fleetingly consider returning to it. No way, no how. No matter how tough it was, it felt soooo good not to be in the dysfunction, not to be treated disrespectfully, to live in peace and calm, no anger or tension, and the kids were so much more relaxed and happy. For once, our house was a home.


As Dirextor has reminded you, a liar is only as good as his word. A liar saying he's not sleeping with anyone isn't any reassurance at all. You don't know any more than you knew before he said anything. What's true and what's a lie is anybody's guess. I'm not surprised he doesn't think he's doing anything wrong. If he thinks he's doing wrong, it would be a struggle for him to continue. It says his morals and values have him believing he's entitled to do this. It's part of his belief system, not subject to change by the end of the summer, the decade or the century. He believes it as firmly as he believes the sun will rise in the morning. I suspect living like this for so long has had you lose your perspective on just how unacceptable this is. A guy behaving like this, unmarried but with a girlfriend would be absolutely unacceptable and a girlfriend who's boyfriend lies to women about the status of him being in a relationship would be right to walk away and never look back. A guy who tells his girlfriend other women want to sleep with him but he doesn't is saying loud and clear that he is not considerate, compassionate, feeling, caring and will not be a partner. He thinks of himself and his own ego and doesn't even consider anyone else. No one else matters.


You've been damaged plenty by staying in this relationship for so long. It's confused your balance of right and wrong, it's constantly sent you messages that you aren't worthy of better treatment, that you and your feelings aren't important enough to be considered. It's damaged your self respect, your self worth and your self esteem. Getting the help of a licensed therapist or counselor will really be necessary to get you back where you need to be -- a healthy person who knows what is and is not acceptable for themselves. It's one of the first things I did after leaving my ex, and it was the best thing I ever did for myself. You've spent years being fed negative messages, you need some help to undo what you've learned.

You're taking a good step in the right direction, you're taking a step for a better life for you and your girls. That's a good, positive thing!





~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Understanding the Opposite Sex








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2005
Fri, 07-22-2005 - 2:23pm

I got up one morning and decided I did not want this any more. I stayed home from work make a few phone calls and change the lock on the door....I posted a note telling him where he could find his stuff. I'm too much of a nice person to be treated this way. I thought it would be hard, but I'm fine I have my family around so things will be ok. I told him when he wants to see the girls we could meet in a public place or he can go to my mothers home and see them, but I don’t want him to set foot back in my home.

We as women fight so hard to keep our family and home together that we set aside our own happiness, just to keep everything in place. You bend a person far enough and the will break. I’m happy with my decision. I thank God for my family and being able to support myself and daughters…..I feel better already!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-25-2005 - 12:51am

I left my ex much the same way, I didn't have a planned date to end things, but like you, woke up one morning and knew I couldn't live like that another day. On the outside it seems like a spur of the moment decision, but it's really years in the making. Nobody deserves to live in the kind of dysfunction and uncaring, disrespectful arrangement you describe.


I wouldn't be surprised if it isn't hard from time to time, but at the same time, you won't be dealing with the kind of emotional hurts and confusion you were dealing with while living with him, so the hard times will be different and probably less stressful as you won't have so much on your mind; choosing between dealing with the hard times and dealing with a relationship with him you'll most likely choose to deal with the hard times hands down -- at least that's how it was for me.


So how did he take you informing him he was out? What are your plans from here, or do you have any yet? I'm a little surprised/confused that you said you thought it would be hard, since you indicated earlier that you'd been separated from him for an extended time in the past, I'd think you'd have a pretty good idea of how hard or easy it would be. Maybe I misunderstood one of your statements? Good for you for offering to meet him in public places or at your mother's but not in your home. I think that's a great choice.


I'm glad you're feeling better and hope you continue to feel better, stronger and worthy of much more than what you've had. I hope your girls are feeling better about this change by now, I know my kids were pretty upset for the first several days, then things settled down and they actually were much more relaxed and happy.





~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Understanding the Opposite Sex








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2005
Fri, 07-29-2005 - 11:42am

I pretty much left him a note on the door, since he has a problem communicating with me. He called and called all of a sudden he find the time to talk and ask what he can do to make things better. I told him it was a little too late and he needs to work on himself, because I’m working on me and the kids.

Why I said I thought it would be hard was, the first time him and I separated we had our older daughter, now it’s the two girls. But so far the seem ok, he sees them and I talk to the older one and she understands…..but myself and the girls and ok.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 07-30-2005 - 12:05am

It is difficult with kids. It affects them very much and typically makes them very upset. I know the reaction my kids had made me feel tremendous guilt and question whether I was doing the right thing. It felt like I was being selfish to ask their father to leave and take away having their father live with them, and along with that take away the normalcy they knew. The fact is, like you, living with him meant living in a dysfunctional relationship and no way is that good for kids. If that's their "normalcy" that's bad -- setting them up to live the same "normalcy" in their own lives, yikes. Not at all what I wanted for them. The bottom line is kids are kids and adults are there to teach, guide and care for them because they're not capable of making good decisions on their own. That means adults have to make the tough decisions and sometimes do things that kids don't want, don't like and are upset about. Yes, the upset really bothers us, but we're here to care for them, not make them happy no matter how unhealthy what they want is.


How does life feel now? More calm and peaceful, less chaotic? No more knots in your gut? What are your plans from here? I hope you're not using this just as a threat to make him straighten up, that would only engage you deeper into the cycle, assure that nothing will change and will give your kids a lesson that will only do them harm, not good. I expect you're hoping he'll straighten up so you can reunite, if he does, do you have a timeline in mind to see that change in action before taking steps to reunite? What if he doesn't change his ways?





~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Understanding the Opposite Sex








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 07-30-2005 - 6:37pm

Plush,


The kids will adjust.

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-01-2005 - 1:25am

Good points, Dirextor. My kids also went through some counseling when my ex and I split up. My son had a hard time with some aspects (his father chose to end all contact with the kids after about a year after we split) and has had a few more rounds of therapy to deal with that. But yes, they do adjust and even with the issues and struggles my son had, he and I talked recently about the split (he was seven when we split and is now seventeen). He says he recognized the calm and relaxed atmosphere in our house immediately after his father left and recognizes that growing up in a house without him was a far better thing. My daughter was three, went to counseling for a few sessions and was pronounced "fine with where she was and quite happy to be there". She's been a strong girl, sure of herself (except we're now in the ugly 13's) and doesn't appear to be adversely affected by the split. I say "appear" because all I can know is what she presents and what she is right now. If, in the future she shows to have issues, we'll see that she sees a therapist and has can work through them. Whatever issues are down the road for either of them, I know with complete certainty that those issues are far less than the issues they'd be saddled with if I'd have stayed.


Ditto on the "save the marriage" bit, but with a twist. My ex was willing to do "anything" to keep us together, and would go through the motions of whatever I demanded. The trick is, he wasn't interested in changing himself or his actions, so the changes that happened as a result of my threats of leaving were short lived. Once he saw he'd achieved his goal of keeping me there, he went right back to his old ways. He never wanted to change them and even after we divorced, he never did. I pitied his girlfriends, but was very glad I was no longer in their shoes.





~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Understanding the Opposite Sex








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"