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| Fri, 07-21-2006 - 6:16pm |
I'll start from the beginning. I met my husband online in a chat room. I was 22, just moved back in with my parents. I got into some trouble and dad had to bail me out. One of his conditions to taking me back in was that I live by his rules. In my 10PM, go to college for what he thought I should (even tho it wasn't what I wanted). All sorts of rules, like I was a teenager. Well, at 22 and being out of the house for 3 years this was hard to deal with. I basically didn't go out, dicovered the internet and was online alot. My husband thought the advice i was giving to the younger girls (it was a college chat) to stay in school, not be in a rush to go out into the world, etc....was good advice. I had already moved out of my dads house because i couldn't deal w/ being there. I was house hopping between friends since i was basically homeless. Everything i owned was in my car. Well, husband (of course before he was my husband), flew to where I was and 3 days later we got in my car and drove to his home. He got me a apartment and set me up. Next month he asked me to marry him, 3 months after that we got married.
I have spent the first few years trying to be the wife he wanted. That didn't work. We had kids, then it turned to trying to make him into the man that I want/need. That hasn't worked.
My kids are a little older now, and i'm starting to get "me" back. I've discovered that I'm a strong woman who deserves the best out of life.
We have basically tolerated each other over the last 9 years. There has been very few good times. Because its either been me trying to conform to him and his ways, or me trying to make him into what I want/need.
He is a good man with a good heart. But if I had taken the time to look for a spouse/partner, he would not have been it. Should I feel obligated to stay with him because he "rescued me"?
We have talked over and over about the same things. We are in counseling.
Do you stay in a marriage that you "tolerate" each other? For the kids sake. He has agreed that if we didn't have kids we probably wouldn't be together. I dont want him to change who he is. I realize that now. But at the same time, I'm not sure if I can go through the rest of my life with him. And I won't cahnge who I am. I tried, it was a wasted effort. Maybe its selfish, but I like who I am too much to change.
My biggest issue with my husband is that he is EXTREMELY passive. And tho they say opposites attract, there is a difference between being passive and not speaking up for yourself. Sex is a forced thing, because my attraction to him isn't there. And its been that way for most of the marriage. And he's ok with that whole issue. He's ok w/ me needing some alcohol or watching "movies" to get me in the mood. Before I would do that (earlier in our marriage), sex was so hard for me to get into. I thought there was something wrong w/ me physically, had tests, was told maybe I'm depressed, etc....but once I started the other things, i realized it wasnt me.
And more recently, i've been able to look at other men who I know are more "my type" and think how attractive and sexy they are.
I don't know what to do. He's so hurt with all that I've said to him. But I had to tell him all thats going on with me. He still says he loves me more than anything. I don't see how after all I've said to him or how i've treated him over the years. Although he did allow it. (I've pretty much treated him like a child, because he doesn't do or say anything for himself).
I want to hear anything. I don't care how mean or honest it may be. Dont sugar coat this for my feelings.
Thanks!
~M.

Ok Spinner, this is what I think.
You married a guy you didn't know. A month, three months, isn't nearly enough time to know whether you're right for each other or not. You've said that there have been very few good times and that you tolerate each other. That's not a good relationship, it's not a healthy relationship. You know that. As far as the two of you go, if you're not happy, if you're not right for each other, staying together would be a waste of your lives, IMO, spending your lives unhappy is not living, it's existing and that's not okay. Your husband may love you, but sometimes leaving the person you love is the right thing to do. Should you stay because he rescued you? No, of course not. He offered you an out, it's not like you wouldn't have survived and be fine if he'd never done that. And even if he had, you don't owe anyone that kind of debt. Your husband may love you, but doesn't he deserve to be with someone who loves him the way he deserves to be loved? Shouldn't he be with someone who adores him for who he is, loves making love with him, shouldn't he be with someone who believes he is perfect for her? He'll never have the chance to have the kind of relationship and love that he deserves as long as you stay. The same goes for you.
Staying together for the kids? You're not doing them any favors, IMO. Kids learn what is a "normal" relationship by watching yours. If you tolerate each other they're learning how to be in loveless relationships. They are learning your behavior, your words and reactions to each other and those are the tools they'll have for their own relationships. If you want them to end up in relationships just like yours, stay. If you want something different for them you'll have to show them something different. By leaving you'll also be showing them what you feel you and your happiness are worth. Showing them that example will tell them that they are worth that as well. I'm not saying divorce will be easy for them, but please bear in mind that kids aren't good judges of what's best, that's what parents are there for. It sounds like you and your husband will be able to have a great, amicable relationship outside of your marriage, and that will be wonderful for the kids.
Not everyone will agree, but that's what I believe.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Ya know what, i have said almost those same words to him. I've said "don't you think there is someone out there that can accept you for you and love you how you are and not try to change you?"
I've also said/asked "don't you want a woman who wants to kiss you and make love to you because she WANTS to and not because she feel obligated to?"
He says yeah, but he wants ME to be that person. And he loves me. He says that to me over and over. And since we've really been talking about all this, he's been pushing himself on me that much more.
I have said that I think we need a small seperation. But thats not really possible right now. So then I've said I can be friendly and not get nasty if he doesn't try to approach me for sex/affection. My defense in the past was to try to pick a fight to turn him off.
Thats what i came to the conclusion was not fair to him. Its not fair that i yell and get mad at him just so he'll not approach me.
Flat out saying I don't want sex doesn't work. Because he'll go 'sure you do, you just don't THINK you do". And honestly, I do. Just not with him.
I have never cheated but have come close. Which is why I know something has to be done.
Statements like "Sure you do, you just don't THINK you do" indicate that he doesn't respect your wishes or what you say. Or maybe the line has worked enough times in the past that you saying you don't want sex isn't credible anymore.
Before you can do anything else, you have to do is know what you want to do. If you're trying to convince him that a divorce would be best, forget it. Trying to get him to agree with you is a futile attempt to not be the bad guy and only creates an arena where he tells you why he doesn't what a divorce. If you want a divorce, what he wants doesn't enter into it. Great that he wants you to be the one, but you're not, period. If you don't want to be married to him, there are no arguments he can give that matter; it's not what you want, period, the end. But if you do want to stay married, then you need to do something to improve your marriage, because this is not good or healthy for anyone, including kids.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"