new husbands friend moving in !?!?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2006
new husbands friend moving in !?!?
13
Tue, 06-06-2006 - 5:42pm
We just got married May 27th and are settling in with our 2 children, mine is 6 and his is 2. We are trying to get custody of the 2 year old. Now here is the major problem. His friend has decided to move back to the area after being gone for 8 months. My husband has told him it is okay for him to stay with us until he gets on his feet. When he was here before he had no job, no car and was living with his dad. While he was here before he borrowed alot of money from us, which has not been paid back, plus he has lied on numerous occasions. I really don't want him living with my family. Please help me, any advice is good right now. I try to talk to my husband and he just tells me to wait and hope this guy has changed - but a leopard can't change its spots, can it??

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-06-2006 - 6:57pm
That is just not acceptable!!! If it were me, I would be finding another place I could stay with my child and letting dh know that when his friend moves out, I'd move back in. I would defintely have it all set up first so that I could do so if neccessary. The friend is not going to change. Your dh has left an open invitation for this guy. It would be one thing to say that he could live with your for six weeks, time enough to find a job and get a paycheck. This is not what has been said. To top it all off, a court is unlikely to change custody in the first place. When there is this situation in your home, it is doubly unlikely.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2006
Tue, 06-06-2006 - 7:09pm

I am not sure the dynamic of your relationship as to making big decisions prior to marriage, but in any event, he should not extend this invitation if it will bother you greatly, at the very least he should be trying to negotiate something here so you feel better....like a short fixed period and no money lending. He does not live alone, he has a family now and that means that he doesn't unilaterally make decisions that have a major impact on the family.

You are right here to be upset --- complimenent him for trying to be a good friend but be firm with your objections. If he does it anyways that will certainly let you know where your feeling are in his priorities.

Wishing you the best, P.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 06-06-2006 - 9:53pm

What I would say to him is that each of you has

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-07-2006 - 2:09am

Welcome to the board, Faythsmom ~


Your husband spoke out of turn when he invited his friend to stay, he had not right to do that without consulting with you first. You two are partners and both have a say in what happens in your home. Your husband may say you just need to wait and see if he's changed (he hasn't) but I don't agree at all. Your husband got himself into this mess, he needs to get himself out of it. He can tell the friend that he forgot about fixing up the spare room for the 2-year old you're trying to gain custody of, that you've had some sudden money problems and won't be able to take him in, anything, but the bottom line is, the message needs to get to the friend that, "sorry, you can't stay here after all."


You can be taken advantage of once and it's on the person who did it, letting them back in your life and your home to do it again is just plain asking for trouble. Be firm, remind your husband of the money (doubt he needs the reminder) and what being around a free-loading liar will do to your kids (not a good influence or role model) and tell him you're not willing to put up with it again, period. I would also suggest this is a good time to set some ground rules with your husband -- no invites to stay without checking it out with the other first.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 06-07-2006 - 4:33pm
Ask him if he is willing to jeopardize his marriage by having his friend move in? Then ask him if he's willing to jeopardize the custody case by having the friend stay with you?



Edited 6/7/2006 4:34 pm ET by itwinflame


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2006
Wed, 06-07-2006 - 6:36pm
Thank you all for the advice so far. I have tried to talk reasonably with him regarding the friend moving in and he told me I was blowing it out of proportion, so I mentioned that we would have to add him to our lease if he is here for more then 30 days. He gave me "the look". So I tried a different avenue and told him that per talking to our legal advisor - who is a friend of mine - that one of our big points for custody is that the baby would have her own room, as her mother lives in a studio apartment with her new boyfriend and his kids. He told me to quit making excuses about the friend moving in, and to just wait and see. Its to the point that I am thinking about just moving in with my mother in law while the friend is here, at least at her house i would have a say in things.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Wed, 06-07-2006 - 6:40pm
Have you asked him why he's so adamant that the friend move in?
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-08-2006 - 1:27am

Okay, so he gave you "the look" and said you were blowing it out of proportion. In your shoes, that's where I'd say, "You may feel that I'm blowing it out of proportion, but this is not something I'm willing to agree to. I am not willing to have this man back in our home again, period." It seems like (and maybe you haven't said it all, so I may be wrong) that he's giving you looks and excuses and you're backing down. Are you not willing to stand firm on your position?








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
Thu, 06-08-2006 - 7:54pm

Before he moves in, he would sign a contract stating exactly how long he's staying and how much he will pay you on top of what he already owes you---and he would begin making restitution on his delinquent debts to you before setting one foot in that house.


Put that to your husband--since he didn't consult you when extending this invitation, I would insist that the above requirements be put to his boy---he can live in a shelter or with his dad if it's that bad for him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2006
Fri, 06-09-2006 - 1:28pm
Good news!! I stood my ground and set some ground rules. Now, I did give in a little and am allowing the friend to move in for 2 weeks. But he is going to pay back half of what he owes us before he even gets to town or he will not be coming in my front door. He also has a job lines up so he will give us the other half out of his first check. He will also buy his own food and help with the household bills for the time he is there and we are not a taxi service. I told my husband that if any of these don't happen then him and his friend can go find a place together if he wants to help him out so much. I am not going to pack up my kids and leave, they can.

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