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| Fri, 05-12-2006 - 10:27pm |
Ok I hope this doesn't get too long....I have been married for 7 1/2 yrs (together for 8+ yrs) I have had a problem in the past with cheating boyfriends, and one in particular he was so hung up on people's looks, checked out other girls, watched porn and lied about it, the whole nine yards. He also wanted me to keep working out etc. 5 yrs ago my parents divorced b/c of the same thing: my mom found out my dad was having an affair and looking at porn online. When my now husband and I started dating, I was convinced he would be just like my exbf's. For a long time he had done nothing to make me suspicious of anything, but with my past, I couldn't help it. I have had very low self esteem my whole life and don't like the way I look at all.
Recently I found an email with a half naked chick on there (no one he knew, just one of those forward things) that he ahd saved for some odd reason. I confronted him and he claimed to have forgotten it was there. I asked him why he would even save it in the first place and he said he must have forgotten to delete it. (even though it was moved to a totally diff folder for mail) Then a couple days ago a PPV porn charge was on our cable bill. I went ballistic. For me, there's no reason a married person has to look at that kind of stuff unless they are getting nothing from their spouse, which he has no problem with. We have 3 kids and I have obviously gained wieght bc/ of it. I'm at a loss as to how to not worry about what he's looking at. He swears he didn't order this porn b/c it was at 6am or something, but he's up getting ready for work at that time. I don't know. We fight about this stuff a lot. I'm always wondering what he's looking at (or *might be looking at) that we have no fun together at all. My issues are destroying us. Advice? Sorry so long.

Welcome to the board, Harrypottermom ~
Your post was not too long, please don't ever be concerned about that here. You need to be able to explain yourself fully (and sometimes just vent which is sooo good for you!), take the time and space you need. Besides, if you don't explain enough, I guarantee you around here be asked to explain more fully!
I have to tell you that most (not all) on this board don't have a problem with occasional porn use. To me, if the email your husband saved was a forward, rather than someone he was in contact it wouldn't be a big deal. Nor would occasionally watching a porn flick. I will say though, that watching at 6 a.m. seems a little strange and could be a red flag. Where were your kids? Could they have walked in? Where were you? Is 6 a.m. the only time he has to watch privately? No matter what I or anyone else thinks about porn use doesn't matter, you have your own standards and that's all that matters. You're absolutely entitled to having a zero-tolerance to porn. I assume your husband has clearly known all along how you feel about porn? Has he agreed with you on it? I wonder if perhaps his responses to the email and movie are due to what he knows your reaction will be. That doesn't make lying right, but it does make it more understandable that he'd react that way. The problem is, if you believe any use is wrong and he believes it's okay, you're each entitled to your feelings; they just won't work together.
I know that your posting here was prompted by your concern about the porn, but you seem to be very aware of a problem in your life that controls you and has affected your life adversely for years; you say your issues are destroying your marriage. Have you seen a therapist to help you resolve the issues that are following you around? If not, I really think it's time to take that step. Why let your past issues affect your life and perhaps destroy your marriage? Dealing with them will resolve them so you can move forward in your life without them, and you absolutely deserve that. If you haven't gone before, I know it can seem scary to go, at least I know it was for me. But once you take that step you'll probably find yourself looking forward to going and I guarantee you'll like seeing that you're changing and improving. It's not always easy, but it's definitely a positive experience. What do you think?
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Carrie
I will say though, that watching at 6 a.m. seems a little strange and could be a red flag. Where were your kids? Could they have walked in? Where were you? Is 6 a.m. the only time he has to watch privately? No matter what I or anyone else thinks about porn use doesn't matter, you have your own standards and that's all that matters. You're absolutely entitled to having a zero-tolerance to porn. I assume your husband has clearly known all along how you feel about porn? Has he agreed with you on it? I wonder if perhaps his responses to the email and movie are due to what he knows your reaction will be. That doesn't make lying right, but it does make it more understandable that he'd react that way.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We were all sleeping at 6am, and he could have been too, I don't remmeber. If he wants to look at it, I'm sure I would be upset, but it's the lying and hiding it that pisses me off.
I have sort of thought about counseling, but he won't go. Says it's *my issue to work out.
It sounds like the porn issue is something that's been a problem between you for a while, yes?
The counseling that you need is for you, not him. I understand your thinking about going with him to deal with the porn issue and probably other issues in your marriage as well, but you have issues that affect your marriage -- and you -- very much. I'm not saying couples counseling wouldn't be helpful, but I think you'd have to deal with and resolve your own issues before couples counseling could be helpful. As far as couples counseling goes, if he won't go you can't make him, but there are lots of things you can learn in counseling that will help your marriage, whether he goes or not. As far as the porn goes, if it's something he chooses to use and it's something you don't want in your life at all, it's likely that there isn't a compromise to be reached. But working through your issues in therapy will make a huge difference in your life. You deserve a life that's free of those things, and I can't tell you how much you'll appreciate the difference it'll make.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
It sounds like you probably had an agreement about porn use when you married? If so, he has violated that agreement. If I am right about this, this agreement takes priority over the issue of whether porn is okay or not okay.
I agree that you would benefit from counseling. Not because there is anything wrong with how you feel about porn, though. You have a right to feel the way you do regardless of what anyone else thinks or feels. What concerns me is your low self-esteem. You would definitely benefit from counseling for that. You can put away old baggage. That doesn't necessarily mean that you change how you feel about porn. It means that you can live with the past hurts without continuing pain.
Do the counseling for your children if not for yourself. They deserve the best mommy you can be. Be okay with you and who you are and then you will be the best mommy you can be!