A new relationship - advice needed

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
A new relationship - advice needed
10
Tue, 02-02-2010 - 10:32am

I'm 3 months into a new relationship with a guy who really I cannot fault.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2008
Tue, 02-02-2010 - 11:01am
isnt it a possibility that he himself has something which he doesnt want to tell and at the same time not pass it on to you?? i dont see any other reason.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Tue, 02-02-2010 - 12:35pm

fullhalfquarter may be right. I hadn't thought about that, but it's possible.

"a) does he not trust me, that he's likely to catch something"
Intelligent adults do not have unprotected sex with a new partner who isn't tested for STDs. It's nothing personal against you, he would just be out of his mind to have given in to you. It would be downright stupid of him to compromise his health for anyone - You are no exception.

"and b) if he has done it with previous exes, why not me? "
Are you assuming that he's had unprotected sex with exes at 3 months into a relationship? Or do you know this for sure?

"The problem was not discussed or resolved. "
The resolution is, bring a condom with you the next time you think you might have sex. It's not a hard problem to solve.

I am a little surprised that his opposition to having unprotected sex with you almost brought you to tears. You cannot take this so personally. If a man came in here and complained that a woman wouldn't let him have unprotected sex, he would be driven away with torches and pitchforks. Just because women cry instead of getting angry doesn't mean you should be given special treatment. If you think the only "proper" way of "making love" is without a condom, then you may want to save yourself for marriage (or much later on in a relationship) or consider yourself incompatible with him, and any other men who may not want to risk their health on a woman they've known for three months.

You're in the wrong here. Get over it and use a condom.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Tue, 02-02-2010 - 2:35pm

Thank you - thats most interesting.


In hindsight I realise I was wrong and selfish.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008
Wed, 02-03-2010 - 12:59am
I'm not sure why you see it as a trust issue. I don't think it is selfish either, and I'm confused why you owe him an apology? It sounded to me like you felt rejected by this. That somehow using a condom was a way of keeping a distance during intimacy, and not fully accepting you. I can understand feeling rejected, especially how it happened while you were in the process of sex and all. However, I do think it's smart and adult to use protection, and to get tested for STDs (both of you). That's not about trust because anyone can have an STD and themselves not know it. It's more about insurance than trust.

"The last of human freedoms - the ability to choose one's attitude in a given set of circumstances." - Viktor Frankl.



Photobucket



Ten Rules for Being Human
"The key to good decision making is not knowledge. It is understanding."
Malcolm Gladwell Blink

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 02-03-2010 - 1:43am
Welcome to the board, Nichola2010,

I certainly don't think this is an issue to end the relationship over. I do, however, think you're looking at this from a very naive viewpoint.

The very first thing I thought was that the man has made it his practice and his conviction not to have sex without a condom - no exceptions when it "seems right". It's the wise thing to do. If he pushed himself to go outside the boundaries he's already set for himself, it's completely understandable that it would bother him enough that he'd need to stop and remedy the situation.

In this day and age, you don't just get embarrassed and have to go to the doc for antibiotic shots to resolve an STD, they can stick with you for life and they can end your life. If you could identify those who have them and those who don't by just looking there would be no need for testing or protection, but you can't. I would expect the vast majority of those who have contracted an STD were shocked to learn they were infected and stunned at the person they were "sure was clean" that gave it to them. You can't tell by looking and people carry diseases for years unknowingly without a symptom. Having been celibate for many years is no guarantee that you're clean, not at all. Does that mean he doesn't trust you? No, it means he's not taking chances with his life. You shouldn't either. "Trusting" someone with an issue like this is more foolish than I can say.

You say this relationship has the makings of a very long term thing, but it's not yet. It's three months old. That's still in the infancy stage; you have four times the amount of time you've been together yet before you'll really know what this man is and is not. Either of you blindly "expecting" you know each other's histories would be clean is nuts, at this stage no matter that you feel you know each other well, the truth is you hardly know each other at all. You have a long way to go before this relationship proves to be a long term, lasting one. Once you're there, testing and removal of the condom is likely going to happen until then be glad you've met someone who's proactive with his health and wise about remaining that way.

I agree with you that you need to talk about it. Understanding why he uses a condom is important. The truth is, we're assuming, only he knows why he feels it's necessary. I would urge you to think about how much you can really know someone in 120 days and I'd also urge you to educate yourself on STDs and start taking better care of yourself as well.











"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

~ Author unknown


Photobucket











"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Thu, 02-04-2010 - 2:52am

Please - no more replies.


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Thu, 02-04-2010 - 8:14am

I'm sorry this didn't work out the way you hope, Nichola, and you WILL meet someone else, and fall in love.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008
Thu, 02-04-2010 - 1:44pm
I'm sorry it ended that way. I know you said no more replies but I need to say you are not an idiot nor are you stupid. Not by any stretch. Your feelings were normal before, obviously you didn't know the kind of person he was but trust me, MOST of us have been there and all you can do is learn from it and do better next time. Life is it's lessons (see link below for more on that).

"The last of human freedoms - the ability to choose one's attitude in a given set of circumstances." - Viktor Frankl.



Photobucket



Ten Rules for Being Human
"The key to good decision making is not knowledge. It is understanding."
Malcolm Gladwell Blink

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2009
Thu, 02-04-2010 - 4:58pm
deleted to respect your wishes.


Edited 2/4/2010 5:00 pm ET by englishrose1979
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-04-2010 - 10:40pm
I'm so sorry you're going through this, Nichola. You're not an idiot and never were.

I know it's hard to see it any different at this point, but yes, the guy really did you a favor by bowing out. What you've had is a tremendous learning experience on several things. Nothing is ever a failure or stupid if you can learn from it and take what you've learned to improve your future, and I know you will.

Hugs, Nichola. You'll get through this and be better for it.











"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

~ Author unknown


Photobucket











"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"