New relationship - depressed B/F

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2009
New relationship - depressed B/F
11
Wed, 01-20-2010 - 11:33pm

I recently met somebody (in Dec. 2009) and we get along very well... however since January he doesn't have work (he is self-employed - in the construction business) and I noticed the last 2 weeks, he is not motivated to do anything as he is feeling very down. He says it's because he doesn't have work right now and apparently that gets to him big time.


He is very nice and in December he was full of energy and we did quite a bit... however lately he just wants to stay at his house and does not feel like doing anything with me ... he wants me around but if we see each other, it's usually just watching TV together while laying on the couch....


Sometimes I get the feeling that when we talk and I tell him something, he isn't really listening, he says that his mind is all over, thinking about work (how to get work again).


I am wondering about that, should I be concerned? I can't help him how he feels, I told him he should not stress himself out so much and rather enjoy the time off as he says during the summer he is always very busy where he works every day... however I get the feeling that if he doesn't have work, he feels useless in a way.




Edited 1/20/2010 11:36 pm ET by chouse_2


Edited 1/20/2010 11:42 pm ET by chouse_2

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 01-21-2010 - 2:06am
Welcome back, Chouse_2 ~

I know this isn't the same relationship that you posted about before, but I'm posting the link to your previous post so others are able to remember who you are, have a little more knowledge about you, and so you can reread it too. Even when it doesn't seem to have any bearing on the present situation, previous posts often shed a lot of light. You may be able to recognize things you couldn't see while you were in the middle of your previous relationship too. I hope it's helpful to you.

Message on boyfriend's msn











"Ignoring the facts
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"Ignoring the facts
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 01-21-2010 - 2:17am
I'm not sure I'm hearing your question of "should I be concerned" in the light you mean it.

I think you may be asking if you should be worried about him. Whereas, I'm seeing it as should you be concerned about this kind of behavior you're seeing in him.

My thoughts are these:

Since your last boyfriend was 40, I assume you're around that age too and I also assume your current boyfriend is of that same general age (a lot of assuming, I know, please let me know if I'm incorrect, it could change my POV). If he's a 40ish contractor, he's seen plenty of down times before. I would have to assume that this is his normal way of dealing with it. From the perspective should you be worried about him, I'd ask him if this is how he usually responds to prolonged periods of down time and maybe ask him what he does to pull himself out of his funk. You could suggest he see someone about his depression, but can't really make him do anything, and can't make him better for sure.

From the aspect of should I be worried about his behavior, I'd say it's definitely something to take note of and watch. If this is how he acts every time there's a work lull, he's going to be pretty difficult to be around long term, don't you think? You also have to wonder if there are other events that might cause him to react this way -- fights and conflict? Difficult decisions? I would definitely keep myself from getting too deep emotionally into this relationship until I'd had time to observe him more long term. A guy who, after one month is showing you a marked difference in behavior, a depressed state should be raising some red flags with you. Your relationship has barely begun, you're still very much in the "impress her" stage. If this is all he can raise to after one month, I'd guess depression may well be a problem with him, and likely is more pronounced than you're seeing now.

There are definitely some caution flags, Chouse_2.










"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

~ Author unknown


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"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2006
Fri, 01-22-2010 - 11:28am

Hi,


I agree. Maybe over the next couple of weeks, invite him out in group scenarios to try to get him out of the house and see how he reacts...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2009
Sat, 01-30-2010 - 10:20pm

I wasn't on this board for a bit, so I just read the replies - thank you.


Yes it's a good suggestion, ceejae. I found that since last week he is in a better mood (even though he does not have new work yet) and he joined a gym where he is going to now, I know excercising is also very good when one is down. So I have to see how it goes.


My friends already got to know him, they like him and he fits in nicely as I go out with a group of friends (girls and guys) at least every 2nd weekend (dancing).


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 01-30-2010 - 11:58pm
Hi Chouse_2!

I'm glad things seem to be better ~ I hope it continues!












"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

~ Author unknown


Photobucket











"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2009
Thu, 02-04-2010 - 7:33pm

Hmmm I am not sure anymore (after the weekend) and here is why:


I had my daughter with me last weekend (she lives with her dad right now) so he knew that I was busy this weekend. I have not introduce them yet as I am feeling, it's too early, we have only dated since December.


On Sat afternoon in the afternoon I found out she was invited by a friend of hers to have a sleepover and

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-04-2010 - 10:34pm
No, you're not expecting too much in expecting him to acknowledge that he's received your messages. Is him not returning calls during the week regarding picking you up typical?

In regard to the situation over the weekend, it sounds like you opened it up for discussion and he avoided it by changing the subject. I would certainly not let that go if I were you, I'd want to discuss it; you should be asking him why he'd treat you that way.

However, it's most likely that the way he treated you is the way he behaves when he's angry - punishing you by refusing to respond to communication attempts. As you've said, you've only been going out for two months. As you move along in The early days of a relationship are when you're discovering what your new object of affection is really like. As you're together longer the facade of being the nicest person you can be fades and is slowly replaced by behaviors and actions that are true to your real self. I think it's likely that what you saw last weekend is probably pretty typical for him when he's angry. Knowing how your new interest handles himself in a disagreement/upset situation is important. It helps you determine whether the relationship is something you want to continue or not. Frustrated at eight weeks into a relationship is a pretty significant indicator that it's not right for you.











"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

~ Author unknown


Photobucket











"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2009
Sun, 02-14-2010 - 3:10am

Yeah I have to think about this... that is one reason as to why I did not introduce him to my daughter yet because I am not sure yet.


Regarding your questions... after I posted this 1.5 weeks ago when he did not get back to me letting me know that he would not pick me up, he called me shortly after and said 'sorry' and that he had fallen asleep. He picked me up that evening and we went to see a movie. So far since then things have been good but yes if he is mad at something, he seems to shut down and not talk to the other person. He told me recently that he doesn't talk to his brother who lives in Toronto and I asked him why... he said he invited him here and his brother lived with him last year for 2 months in the hopes that he would stay... however his brother decided to go back to TO again and so they apparently had a disagreement and now he doesn't talk to him anymore - he told me.


I'll keep watching...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 02-14-2010 - 1:22pm
He doesn't speak to his brother because his brother didn't move where he wanted him to move?

I think you already have your answer, don't you? What else is there to watch for!

I'm not saying you have to stop dating him, but you certainly have to know this guy isn't long term relationship stuff and as such have to keep yourself from becoming emotionally involved with him. You also have to expect that whenever you have a disagreement you'll face the silence and you have to be aware that the relationship isn't going to end well.

How old is your daughter?










"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

~ Author unknown


Photobucket











"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2009
Tue, 02-16-2010 - 7:11pm

She will be 14 in a month.


We talked about his brother and him not talking to him yesterday again and I said the same to him, that he mad at him because he did not come to live here and he just grinned and said there was other b/s like he said while he lived with him for 2 months a phone a lot long distance and he has to pay for it and it came to a total of $1200 just for the phone bill...


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