New relationship w/ new prob/please help
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New relationship w/ new prob/please help
| Mon, 02-27-2006 - 3:22pm |
I am so depressed right now. My boyfriend just told
me that he doesn't want to have children with me. He
had told me that he would back in November and that is
when I was the happiest I have ever been. I am so
angry because my parents didn't think he did but back
then I really feel he did. Now, after double thinking
about it because my parents haven't even accepted him,
he has really thought about it. I guess, this weekend
he also talked it over with his 25 year old and 16
year old and they both think he has had his time as a
dad. I just can't believe he can once say one thing
and really have me convinced. Then, as I have deeply
fallen in love with him, now his mind changes and he
said that he has to keep his emotions out of it. I
told him, "So, if I can have kids then you would say
good-bye to me?" He said that he hopes it doesn't
come to that point. He said, "Well, you haven't had
any kids yet". Which is true and I also haven't been
on any birth control pills since 1998, but I think it
is longer than that. I just don't know how someone
can not love me enough to want my children. I don't
want to lose him but I am so angry that the man I love
is thinking about his children over me and that really
bothers me. I told him that I didn't ever want to
stress him out and got off the phone. Why is it that
the nasty, mean abusive men in my life wanted to have
my child but not the one that I truly love with the
bottom of my heart. He is also very standoffish and
we haven't been getting along all that well. I don't
know if I am sad because maybe this is reality for me
not to have children and I am having a hard time
accepting it. Or, if I am mad that the is able to
leave his feelings out of it and not let himself get
emotional about his decision or what. All I know is I
am so very sad about it and I just don't know what to
do. If I want kids I must part ways with him and who
is to say, I will meet someone else or even have a
chance to have kids. After all, it does get risky to
have a down syndrome baby. What do I do? I love him
so much but I don't know if he is right about the fact
that I probably can't. I am going to see the doctor
tomorrow and I won't probably know until we do a
procedure like we did in 1998 which did tell me that I
do have endometreosis which probably is back. Am I
just not accepting the inevitable. I have lived my
whole life with abusive men and now I have a chance to
live it with someone so special to me. I just would
hate to be old and not have people (family) come and
visit me and stuff. Which if I do want kids but can't
I could always adopt but who is to say that I would
find someone else out there.
me that he doesn't want to have children with me. He
had told me that he would back in November and that is
when I was the happiest I have ever been. I am so
angry because my parents didn't think he did but back
then I really feel he did. Now, after double thinking
about it because my parents haven't even accepted him,
he has really thought about it. I guess, this weekend
he also talked it over with his 25 year old and 16
year old and they both think he has had his time as a
dad. I just can't believe he can once say one thing
and really have me convinced. Then, as I have deeply
fallen in love with him, now his mind changes and he
said that he has to keep his emotions out of it. I
told him, "So, if I can have kids then you would say
good-bye to me?" He said that he hopes it doesn't
come to that point. He said, "Well, you haven't had
any kids yet". Which is true and I also haven't been
on any birth control pills since 1998, but I think it
is longer than that. I just don't know how someone
can not love me enough to want my children. I don't
want to lose him but I am so angry that the man I love
is thinking about his children over me and that really
bothers me. I told him that I didn't ever want to
stress him out and got off the phone. Why is it that
the nasty, mean abusive men in my life wanted to have
my child but not the one that I truly love with the
bottom of my heart. He is also very standoffish and
we haven't been getting along all that well. I don't
know if I am sad because maybe this is reality for me
not to have children and I am having a hard time
accepting it. Or, if I am mad that the is able to
leave his feelings out of it and not let himself get
emotional about his decision or what. All I know is I
am so very sad about it and I just don't know what to
do. If I want kids I must part ways with him and who
is to say, I will meet someone else or even have a
chance to have kids. After all, it does get risky to
have a down syndrome baby. What do I do? I love him
so much but I don't know if he is right about the fact
that I probably can't. I am going to see the doctor
tomorrow and I won't probably know until we do a
procedure like we did in 1998 which did tell me that I
do have endometreosis which probably is back. Am I
just not accepting the inevitable. I have lived my
whole life with abusive men and now I have a chance to
live it with someone so special to me. I just would
hate to be old and not have people (family) come and
visit me and stuff. Which if I do want kids but can't
I could always adopt but who is to say that I would
find someone else out there.

Myrinalyn's previous posts can be found here:
Ultimatum has been given/Should I have?
Should I move out?
~Hi All~ Still here have made progress
I moved out, he dumped me it hurts :(
Myrinalyn here~Everyone here was right..
Alone now for 2 wks/things are better :)
How do I say goodbye?
I finally said NO for 2 dates.It's over!
These are listed from first to last.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
Edited 2/27/2006 4:07 pm ET by cl-2nd_life
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Your boyfriend sounds very sensible to me....and I can pick a million holes in your arguement. You are being totally irrational.
>>I just can't believe he can once say one thing and really have me convinced. Then, as I have deeply fallen in love with him, now his mind changes and he said that he has to keep his emotions out of it.<<
Very sensible on his part. Hon, we're all allowed to change our minds - and considering that the two of you are in a relatively young relationship, it's all the better that he figured out what he wanted early on. It may have seemed like a good idea in the early, heated stage of your relationship - but now he's cooled down, he's come to his senses. It's also sensible that he keeps his emotions out of it: we make far wiser decisions when we think with our head instead of our heart.
>>I just don't know how someone can not love me enough to want my children.<<
What the??? First up, perhaps he doesn't love you enough to have kids with you. And even if he does love you a lot, one doesn't have children because they love their partner - they have children because they WANT children. Besides, he's already got grown children....why would he want to go back to diapers and sleepless nights when his kids have finally grown up?
>>I am so angry that the man I love is thinking about his children over me and that really
bothers me<<
Again, he is very sensible. And this is the way it should be. I promise you that if I ever had to start again, my children would ALWAYS come first. Partners can come and go, but our children need to be our first priority. If you can't deal with this, then find a partner with no kids.
>>He is also very standoffish and we haven't been getting along all that well.<<
Another very good reason for him not wanting to have children. Why on earth would someone have children if their relationship wasn't 100% healthy?
>>Or, if I am mad that the is able to leave his feelings out of it and not let himself get
emotional about his decision or what.<<
Don't be mad about him being wise. Him being sensible is a GOOD thing.
Myrinalyn, some really important truths about your past and present relationships. You cannot judge a man to be "non-abusive" after three months with him. It is very unlikely that an abusive man would show abuse after such a short period. I know you remember that the first year or so with your last boyfriend was good, then it changed and that's what kept you stuck trying to get back to "the good days". They act nice, sweet and caring until they feel secure in the relationship and feel you are firmly attached, then it begins to change. At three months into your last several relationships you would have argued that those guys were not abusive, were wonderful, caring guys. This situation is not different -- you're still in the stage where it's too early to know. The fact is, because of your history and because you've avoided getting help from a qualified professional who can help you understand the reasons you're drawn to abusive relationships, it's most likely that this man will prove to be as abusive as the others. Why did the abusive men want you to have children with them? Because having children traps you even further in the relationship, it's very common.
At three months into the relationship you cannot be in love with him, you haven't known him long enough to be in love. There are more things about him that you don't know than you do. Sweetie, making love claims at three months is something high school kids do, not mature adults. Things may look good and you may like what you see so far, but it's still very early and "so far" is a long way from the whole picture. Sometimes you've got to think with your head instead of your heart, even if you'd rather think with your heart. Think about what thinking with your heart has done for you in the past -- gotten you into abusive relationships and kept you there for years and years and years.
It's perfectly normal, natural and correct that his children would hold a bigger place with him than you do. Are you suggesting that someone you've known for three months should be (or could be) more important than your child? Do you think anyone you've known for an enormous length of time could be (or should be) more important than your child? Never, Myrinalyn. The fact that his children come first is absolutely correct - and it's the way it will always be with him or any other parent.
The desire to have children is individual, something you want for yourself, not because your partner wants it. I think it's very understandable that he could have said he'd entertain the idea of having another baby three months ago, then having thought about it realize it's not at all what he wants to do. And frankly, at three months into the relationship, the last thing you should be wanting to do is get pregnant. But, if wanting a baby is something that you must have, then you know he's not for you and that would mean it's time to move on.
Broken record time: Please make an appointment with a qualified abuse therapist and stick with therapy until the therapist says you're done. Then you'll be ready to move on to a happy, healthy relationship and will be able to consider having a child that won't be raised in abuse. It will take some time, but it would be worth it to make sure you and your child are safe, happy and emotionally healthy, right?
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I know that many think that I have found another abusive man but I honestly haven't. I saw signs much earlier than a year with me past boyfriend. I saw it after one month. I had went to Kenny Chesney and Tim McGraws concert and we went up to get a drink after Kenny. I started talking with a Southern accent just for fun. (I use to live in Alabama for 8 years). Anyway, he actually got angry at me and yelled at me. Before you know it, I was crying which made it worse because I was embarrassing him.
I have known my boyfriend off and on for 8 years. I met him in 98' and rented a pontoon boat. I worked out with him in 99' for 2 months. Then, we stayed in touch until 2000. Then, I saw him again in Spring of 2001 for 3 months. Now, I have seen him for 4 1/2 months. Healthy people attract healthy people. I am healthier than I have ever been. In fact, my flaws are actually standing out more now because he is healthier than me in some ways. We haven't worked out together yet which I don't understand because we had had so much fun before in 99'. He seems to want to go alone and I am trying to not let that bother me.
I just had sergury (laperoscopy) because I do have endometriosis again. 80% of infertile women have endometriosis. So, I may not be able to have children. My boyfriend took such good care of me. He went and bought $200 worth of grocery's, he made dinner for me that first night and breakfast the next morning. My mom stayed with me the other two days. He wished he could have done more. He could have went to a concert on Saturday but because I was layed up, he didn't want to go because he didn't feel right about it. He took care of me again last night and this morning, he was in the area and stopped by at work just to give me a hug and kiss because he knew I still wasn't feeling well.
My doctor gave me Lexapro for my PMS week because I really do cry for no reason. Last period I was so sad because he wouldn't set up a time to work out with me. My friends said that I shouldn't pin him to an exact time or schedule if I felt confident in the relationship because we have our whole lives together. Besides, he has worked for two months straight without a day off and he just wants to relax and go when he feels like it. He is also really busy with his home improvements.
Last night, I can say some really stupid things. I was on drugs but that shouldn't be an excuse. I basically bragged about how I have only been with 5 guys and how he would need to multiply it by (X). Why I said it I don't know. He felt terrible and even said, "Aren't I good enough for you?" I say such terrible things which I have no idea why or where it comes from. I am going to work on my issues too. He didn't deserve that.
He honestly isn't abusive in any way and I know over the coarse of 8 years I would have seen it by then. Also, my Uncle knows him and his family and he hasn't heard anything or seen anything either.
I know that this summer I better get over my jealousy issues which I have always had. See, he owns a marina, boat rental, etc. and he has many return customers. He gives them hugs and told me not to think anything is going on because he isn't going to change. He has known these people a lot longer than me. He said that he won't flirt with them or go to bed with them but he will be friendly and hug them. He warned me this because I had told him that I had jealousy issues. I better get over this before then. I did notice taht his whole family is big on hugs. His brothers, sisters, bother in laws and sister in laws all give hugs when they greet me or any other family member. How do I learn to trust after all that I have been through with terrible me?
~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~
>>I know that many think that I have found another abusive man but I honestly haven't.<<
Myrinalyn, I don't think anyone assumed that he was an abusive man. Instead, I think the concern was that you hadn't known him long enough to be able to get a good picture of his true self.
How do you learn to trust again? I can only agree with 2nd life and suggest counselling with someone trained in domestic abuse. Also, I believe that many trust issues stem from our own insecurities - so this is another point to target in counselling.
What I've been trying to get you to see is not that he is abusive but that there is a great potential due to your past choices and due to the fact that you clearly do not see the signs of abuse. It could be right under your nose and you wouldn't see it. That's the concern. As far as you having known him all this time, that again is no indicator. Did others think your ex-boyfriend, ex-husband or ex-fiance were abusive? One of the trademarks of abusers is that they put on a very good front for the outside world. Having lived in a small town and having worked with abused kids in that small town I can tell you that many, many men who *seem* to be wonderful, appropriate, respectable men are abusive behind the doors of their own homes. If being in abusive situations taught you nothing else, it should have taught you that unless you live with someone you really don't know them and you really don't know what goes on in their home. Being in an abusive situation certainly taught me that. You do not hear me say, "I can't believe Jill left Dan, he's such a great guy!" What I am well aware of is that I don't know what kind of guy Dan is or what kind of relationship they had, all I know is what it seemed to be on the outside and that's often not even close to reality. Simply put Myrinalyn, you cannot know yet what kind of person he is with any certainty, you haven't known him long enough and you haven't been close enough to him to garner the kind of information only someone who's in a close, intimate relationship can have. The man I am married to now is someone I worked with five days a week for three years. We were close friends throughout that time. After we'd been working together for three years we began dating. There were many aspects of him and many behaviors he had that I had no idea existed before being in a romantic relationship with him. You don't know someone until you've been in a romantic relationship with them -- and you certainly don't know how they behave in a romantic relationship or how they treat the person they're in a romantic relationship with until you are that person. You can't see it all unless you're there. Are you saying your ex-boyfriend showed himself to have abusive tendencies after just one month and you chose to stay?
How do you get over your jealousy and learn to handle your emotions? Broken record time again -- Make an appointment with a qualified abuse therapist and stick with therapy until the therapist says you're done. It doesn't matter if you're currently in an abusive situation or not. You need to be cleaned up so to speak from the years you spent in abusive situations. You need to deal with those, and then (same therapist) will help you deal with the other issues that remain. You need qualified, professional help.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Hi, I'm sorry, this is off topic but I had to disagree with a comment you made:
"At three months into the relationship you cannot be in love with him, you haven't known him long enough to be in love. There are more things about him that you don't know than you do. Sweetie, making love claims at three months is something high school kids do, not mature adults."
My boyfriend and I met, talked for about a week, and we absolutely knew we loved each other and I moved in with him after that one week. We were not "high schoolers", ok we were only 21 and 23 at the time, but still........3 months later we were still definately in love and bought a home together. It is now 4 years later and we never doubt that we fell in love in that first week we knew each other.
It may be unlikely to fall in love that fast but it DOES happen!
Edited 3/8/2006 12:12 am ET by pandabu