It may just be the difficulty of understanding written words, as sometimes happens, but I think I see this differently than you do. I think he was laying on the sweetness and commitment so thick for two reasons:
Self preservation - he needed to get you on his side so this court action would go his way.
and perhaps:
Sucking you back into the relationship so he could continue to have his victim to inflict his abuse upon.
Saying it's over now may be simply a temporary punishment to hurt you, but it's also possible that he sees you as "too much trouble" and is moving on to find a victim who won't cause so much trouble. That would be the best case scenario, but I wouldn't count on it.
It's okay that you don't have a specific way for us to help and support you, I just wanted to be sure there wasn't something specific you need. Please feel free to post as much and as often as you'd like, you know my style by now, I'll answer back with what I think and will remind you of how abusers are and how it's been in the past for you. I wanna keep you clear : ) I know all too well how confused and cloudy your own head gets in a situation like this.
I know you don't understand, but please, Confused, stop calling him. Your mistake here is in trying to understand something that isn't logical, doesn't make sense. You can't, and you won't be able to. If you think he's going to explain this was all a ruse to get the charges dropped, don't count on it, it's much more likely that he'll twist it to be your fault. He's never been honest and above board with you, he's not going to start now. Torturing you with confusion is much more satisfying. Don't give him that. Just know that he's a dangerous guy that will never be capable of anything but abusive, hurtful relationships, be grateful for your release from it (even though it hurts) and let it go as something you don't need to understand, knowing you're out of a deeply damaging situation is understanding enough.
The vulnerable part. You know what he's about, you know what continuing with him will mean to your life (pain, emotional torture, physical abuse, etc.), right? As weak as you may be, you know that going back with him isn't something you can do, no matter how much you think you want it at the time, right? You know that if he apologized, made an excuse for his behavior and promised you everything would be wonderful, you know it would be lies, right? You know it would all cycle back to the same, right? You see him as a lying snake in a disguise, right?
Do you have to be out on Wednesday or Saturday? You've said both...?
~ cl-2nd_life
"Experience is what you get When you don't get what you want" ~ Author unknown
Don't beat yourself up for believing, Confused. Not knowing doesn't make you dumb book smart. This kind of thing isn't exactly what you learn in your typical relationship, this is the kind of thing you learn because it's the field you're studying or because you have the misfortune of finding out about the hard way -- by living it. It's not quite so cut and dried as you're making it out to be either, it's confusing, you get lots of mixed messages, and the dynamics of this type of relationship keep you hopeful, unsure, confused, insecure. You can't go back and redo the past, all you can do is learn from it and go forward.
One of the things I think you've learned is that spas, trips, gifts and letters don't change someone's personality. They are still who they are, and at the end of the day, when the spas, trips, gifts and letters are done, that's who you're left with. Something else I hope you've learned is that anger management does not address abuse, is not helpful in abusive situations and does nothing to change the abuser. You've also seen that abusers are very capable of duping couples counselors and individual therapists. The way he treated you, the demands he put on you, the put downs, all of it, do not have a place in a healthy relationship and are not a part of someone who is respectful and caring. You weren't to blame for what was wrong with your relationship, how can therapy that involves you help?
Be grateful that you've been able to get out as soon as you have; many are stuck in the confusing, damaging cycles for a long, long time. I know you hurt and I know you're not out of the woods yet, but you're on your way if you let yourself be, if you're determined not to let this be a way of life for you.
I think having your dogs with you will help. I know that was a part that pulled you back, no matter how small, and I also think having them with you will give you a lot of love and support, and will help you stay the course. They'll be there for you when you need love, encouragement, a shoulder, a reason.
What about you, what about healing from all this, rebuilding your self esteem, self worth and resolving all the other issues that have come about as a result of this damaging relationship? Are you considering seeing an abuse therapist? I truly hope so, you deserve the kind of help and support that truly addresses the issues and damage you've lived and suffered.
Something I heard tonight fits, "you've struggled this far to get to your new beginning", and that's where you are, at a place for a new beginning.
~ cl-2nd_life
"Experience is what you get When you don't get what you want" ~ Author unknown
Yeah, hitting his fist on the wall would have told me plenty too. Not only is it pretty impossible to go from deeply loving, invested guy to hateful, cold and angry, but the verified abusive act of 'fist to wall' would send me outta there never to return - no way.
I would think you'd be pretty safe with the dogs. They're registered to you, you're in possession now, I don't think he'd have a leg to stand on. Could he even prove he had them for those months? If so, do you have anything in writing that says he knew he was keeping them for you? I remember you said he used the dogs to try to get you back quite a bit, do you have a card or a letter that says something about him keeping them for you or suggesting that it's a temporary situation? Did he ever make mention of "your" dogs? Even if he could prove that he had them, you having custody and being the registered owner would override any of that, I would think. Maybe you'd be required to reimburse him for dog food and/or board, but maybe not even that since he was keeping them willingly.
You might check with the Animal Rights & Pet Debates board or the Dogs board, you might find someone with experience and/or real knowledge of the situation. Of course, bear in mind that laws and standards change state by state, county by county. I sent you an email with some information that might possibly be helpful with this too. I have a feeling that what he's saying is really just to keep you scared and jacked up, don't you? Do you think he'd really be willing to go back to court again so soon? Why not call the attorney that you used during his court hearings and see what he thinks. Whether your ex paid for the attorney or not, the attorney represented you (right?), as such, you're his client, not the ex. He will likely be very willing to give you his opinion on the phone free of charge.
~ cl-2nd_life
"Experience is what you get When you don't get what you want" ~ Author unknown
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and perhaps:
Saying it's over now may be simply a temporary punishment to hurt you, but it's also possible that he sees you as "too much trouble" and is moving on to find a victim who won't cause so much trouble. That would be the best case scenario, but I wouldn't count on it.
It's okay that you don't have a specific way for us to help and support you, I just wanted to be sure there wasn't something specific you need. Please feel free to post as much and as often as you'd like, you know my style by now, I'll answer back with what I think and will remind you of how abusers are and how it's been in the past for you. I wanna keep you clear : ) I know all too well how confused and cloudy your own head gets in a situation like this.
I know you don't understand, but please, Confused, stop calling him. Your mistake here is in trying to understand something that isn't logical, doesn't make sense. You can't, and you won't be able to. If you think he's going to explain this was all a ruse to get the charges dropped, don't count on it, it's much more likely that he'll twist it to be your fault. He's never been honest and above board with you, he's not going to start now. Torturing you with confusion is much more satisfying. Don't give him that. Just know that he's a dangerous guy that will never be capable of anything but abusive, hurtful relationships, be grateful for your release from it (even though it hurts) and let it go as something you don't need to understand, knowing you're out of a deeply damaging situation is understanding enough.
The vulnerable part. You know what he's about, you know what continuing with him will mean to your life (pain, emotional torture, physical abuse, etc.), right? As weak as you may be, you know that going back with him isn't something you can do, no matter how much you think you want it at the time, right? You know that if he apologized, made an excuse for his behavior and promised you everything would be wonderful, you know it would be lies, right? You know it would all cycle back to the same, right? You see him as a lying snake in a disguise, right?
Do you have to be out on Wednesday or Saturday? You've said both...?
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Edited 6/10/2007 11:03 pm ET by confused7772006
One of the things I think you've learned is that spas, trips, gifts and letters don't change someone's personality. They are still who they are, and at the end of the day, when the spas, trips, gifts and letters are done, that's who you're left with. Something else I hope you've learned is that anger management does not address abuse, is not helpful in abusive situations and does nothing to change the abuser. You've also seen that abusers are very capable of duping couples counselors and individual therapists. The way he treated you, the demands he put on you, the put downs, all of it, do not have a place in a healthy relationship and are not a part of someone who is respectful and caring. You weren't to blame for what was wrong with your relationship, how can therapy that involves you help?
Be grateful that you've been able to get out as soon as you have; many are stuck in the confusing, damaging cycles for a long, long time. I know you hurt and I know you're not out of the woods yet, but you're on your way if you let yourself be, if you're determined not to let this be a way of life for you.
I think having your dogs with you will help. I know that was a part that pulled you back, no matter how small, and I also think having them with you will give you a lot of love and support, and will help you stay the course. They'll be there for you when you need love, encouragement, a shoulder, a reason.
What about you, what about healing from all this, rebuilding your self esteem, self worth and resolving all the other issues that have come about as a result of this damaging relationship? Are you considering seeing an abuse therapist? I truly hope so, you deserve the kind of help and support that truly addresses the issues and damage you've lived and suffered.
Something I heard tonight fits, "you've struggled this far to get to your new beginning", and that's where you are, at a place for a new beginning.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Edited 6/10/2007 11:04 pm ET by confused7772006
I would think you'd be pretty safe with the dogs. They're registered to you, you're in possession now, I don't think he'd have a leg to stand on. Could he even prove he had them for those months? If so, do you have anything in writing that says he knew he was keeping them for you? I remember you said he used the dogs to try to get you back quite a bit, do you have a card or a letter that says something about him keeping them for you or suggesting that it's a temporary situation? Did he ever make mention of "your" dogs? Even if he could prove that he had them, you having custody and being the registered owner would override any of that, I would think. Maybe you'd be required to reimburse him for dog food and/or board, but maybe not even that since he was keeping them willingly.
You might check with the Animal Rights & Pet Debates board or the Dogs board, you might find someone with experience and/or real knowledge of the situation. Of course, bear in mind that laws and standards change state by state, county by county. I sent you an email with some information that might possibly be helpful with this too. I have a feeling that what he's saying is really just to keep you scared and jacked up, don't you? Do you think he'd really be willing to go back to court again so soon? Why not call the attorney that you used during his court hearings and see what he thinks. Whether your ex paid for the attorney or not, the attorney represented you (right?), as such, you're his client, not the ex. He will likely be very willing to give you his opinion on the phone free of charge.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
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