newbie-need advice please!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2005
newbie-need advice please!!
4
Sat, 11-26-2005 - 2:19pm

I am new to this board and would love any and all of your thoughts on this issue that I am having. First I will give you a little background. My DH and I have been married for 4.5 years now. This past April we had a baby and he is just the best. We live close to my family (Mom, aunts and brother). His family lives pretty far from us. As a result we see my family a lot. They help us out with DS all the time and I just don't know what I would do with out them. So, my problem happened on Thanksgiving. DH was making the turkey, actually 2 turkeys. He smoked one at our house and when we got to my mom's, he was going to deep fry one. He had asked me if the deep fryer and all accessories for it was ready to go at my mom's. I called her and she said as far as she knew everything was there. When we got there, nothing was ready. All of the equipment was dirty and we couldn't even find the lid. At this time it is like 2.5 hours before we are supposed to eat and my DH was so mad. He starts raising his voice at me talking about how my mom has done nothing to help and telling me how lazy my family is all the while my mom is upstairs and can hear everything. My mom then comes downstairs and DH asks her why she didn't check to see if everything was realy to go. My mom is like the nicest person and was speechless because she didn't think that was really her responsibility since he was the one who was going to cook. He wasn't yelling at her he was just very stern and his voice was a little raised. He then left to go to the store to figure out what else to get. After he left, my mom laid into me about how she didn't appreciate how DH was talking to her and me and she will not tolerate that behavior in her house. DH called me from the store and I told him that my mom was mad. Then he got mad and said that he wasn't going to eat with us and if she couldn't take a little criticism that was her fault. In his mind, the situation was over when he left for the store - he was going to drop it. My mom on the other hand, is very sensitive and was/is not going to let this slip by. DH ended up staying and eating with us after I had to beg him to please not leave as it was DS first Thanksgiving. By the end of the night things were ok but mom and DH still haven't talked about the situation. I am now in the middle and just sick to my stomach with the thought that my husband would talk like that to my mom and that my mom may not want him in her house. Now, 2 days later I am sure that DH has completely forgot about it but I know that my mom hasn't. DH is VERY stubborn and things always have to be his way or the highway. I can deal with that ok, but I don't expect my family to. I have talked to my mom about this and apologized, but haven't talked to DH b/c I don't want to get in an argument. He just won't see what he did wrong. He has a problem with respecting others wishes. This is really the first time something like this has happened. Up until now, he has always gotten along with my family and they like him.

I am sorry this was so long and I would love some input. I have been in the worst spirits since Thursday. Please help!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sat, 11-26-2005 - 2:53pm

I think you should ask him to apologize to her.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sat, 11-26-2005 - 5:04pm

OK....while his reaction WAS extreme, I do very much sympathise with your husband here. If I was in his situation, I'd be seriously annoyed too. He did all he could to make sure everything went to plan - and your mum dropped the ball. It was so wrong of her to think that checking the fryer wasn't her responsiblity - because your husband ASKED that she should check that it was all OK.

However, because you make no mention of your husband having an ongoing temper, I'm going to assume that this outburst was out of character for him. And with this assumption in mind, I'm also guessing that this outburst was caused by the proverbial 'straw that broke the camel's back'. What else is going on? Has there been tension between him and your family before? Or is there tension in other parts of his life?

Perhaps you can give a little background?

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 11-27-2005 - 8:19pm

I'm guessing that your husband was a little stressed or that he felt pressure or "under the gun" to make a good showing as he was responsible for cooking the main part of the meal. I mean, consider this in reverse. You're responsible for cooking two turkeys for your husband's family (or for friends for that matter), you're going to feel some pressure and you're going to want everything to come out great, you're going to want to do a great job and have everybody very happy with the results. From that aspect, I think any of us can understand what your husband was probably feeling. I'd have been pretty ticked off too. He thought he had everything in order, had asked if everything was set and ready to go at your mom's and was told that it was. Frankly, unless I knew the person (your mom in this case) to be unreliable I would take "as far as I know" to mean that everything was likely in good shape and ready to go. Based on what happened though, it sounds like your mother responded without so much as checking anything. In that case, a better response would have been, "I don't know, I haven't checked." IMO, your mother misled your husband into thinking things were okay when she really had no clue. If she'd checked, she'd have known it was dirty and that the lid was missing and wouldn't have reported that. Yelling about your family was out of line, but asking your mother why things weren't ready was not, IMO.


What's important to remember though is that you should NOT be in the middle. This problem is between your husband and your mother. You are not responsible for their relationship and you have no business being in the middle of it. Your mother had no business yelling at you after your husband left that night, you didn't do it and it wasn't your fault that it happened. Her beef was with him. In fact, his asking her directly about it was appropriate, her responding to you was not. So now he's forgotten it but your mother has not. You had nothing to apologize for, and you apologizing to your mother shouldn't have made a bit of difference to her. IMO, your mother owes your husband and apology for not checking before responding to his questions about the turkey fryer and your husband owes your family an apology for going off. But those are their issues, not yours. You need to step out of the middle of this and let them handle it. I would strongly suggest telling your mother that you are not your husband and since her problem is with him she needs to speak with him directly about it (honest). You could tell your husband that your mother is hurt and suggest that he face the issue so that hard feelings aren't built up, but from there step out of it and let them handle it however they choose. If your husband ignores it and your mother continues to be upset she'll have to decide whether to approach him or stew on it. It's her decision to make about the relationship she has with him. Since she had no problem laying into you about his behavior after he left, I don't think she'll have a problem approaching this if she wants to. They're going to be involved with each other for a lot of years, they're going to have to learn to have their own relationship and find their own way. It's a work in progress, let it stay with them.







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"Ignoring the facts
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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
Mon, 11-28-2005 - 4:57pm

you write: "He had asked me if the deep fryer and all accessories for it was ready to go at my mom's. I called her and she said as far as she knew everything was there. When we got there, nothing was ready. All of the equipment was dirty and we couldn't even find the lid. At this time it is like 2.5 hours before we are supposed to eat and my DH was so mad."

So, in essence, your mom lied. She didn't bother to find the equipment when she said she did; in actuality, it wasn't available for him to deep fry the turkey--all she had to say was "it's here, but it's not all in one place and you're going to have to check it yourself and clean it once you do find it". Had he known that, he could have gone to plan B.

you write: "After he left, my mom laid into me about how she didn't appreciate how DH was talking to her and me and she will not tolerate that behavior in her house. DH called me from the store and I told him that my mom was mad. Then he got mad and said that he wasn't going to eat with us and if she couldn't take a little criticism that was her fault.."

While your mom does have a right to complain about how he talks to her in her house, she also needs to own the fact that she was part cause of the conflict happening in the first place--she didn't tell the truth about the condition of the fryer when she had the opportunity to do so... for whatever reason, she didn't think it was important to make sure things were ready to go--pretty selfish if you ask me.