Newbie needs advice
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Newbie needs advice
| Tue, 04-18-2006 - 7:46am |
Hi all,
I just found this message board last night, been trying to decide if I should post or not.
I'm going to sound like a real cry-baby I'm sure, but this stuff is just confusing me to no end....
I have a wonderful marriage, my husband is a great provider, father, lover. The concern is when he is away overnight, especially for multiple nights...he goes on and on how much he misses us and can't stand it, but he'll barely speak to me on the phone or on the internet (even though i know he's been at his computer when he's not talking to me). I send him all sorts of little ecards and things like that but he never sends any back. Last night I asked if he got the ones I sent and he said he couldn't get them to open, but when i checked the email acct they weren't even read!
I know he loves me and chances are he's gonna give me his moms famous excuse that he misses me so much it hurts to talk to me, but c'mon already!!! (BTW he is a big sook!)
Can someone please share their views? I know it's kinda dumb to complain about...it just left me really empty and hurt last night when he only wanted to talk for 5 minutes and he won't be home till saturday!!!
Thanks everyone!
I just found this message board last night, been trying to decide if I should post or not.
I'm going to sound like a real cry-baby I'm sure, but this stuff is just confusing me to no end....
I have a wonderful marriage, my husband is a great provider, father, lover. The concern is when he is away overnight, especially for multiple nights...he goes on and on how much he misses us and can't stand it, but he'll barely speak to me on the phone or on the internet (even though i know he's been at his computer when he's not talking to me). I send him all sorts of little ecards and things like that but he never sends any back. Last night I asked if he got the ones I sent and he said he couldn't get them to open, but when i checked the email acct they weren't even read!
I know he loves me and chances are he's gonna give me his moms famous excuse that he misses me so much it hurts to talk to me, but c'mon already!!! (BTW he is a big sook!)
Can someone please share their views? I know it's kinda dumb to complain about...it just left me really empty and hurt last night when he only wanted to talk for 5 minutes and he won't be home till saturday!!!
Thanks everyone!

For what it's worth, I don't think you sound like a cry-baby.
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I've tried in the past to talk about this with DH but he always got very defensive and nothing was ever sorted out. Now I know I'm not alone and DH 'was' more responsive last night. So maybe he'll get better at not shutting me out when he has to go away from now on??? I hope so, his new job is going to require a lot of travel!
Thanks again!
What I was thinking ("Does he know how you feel about this?"is exactly what you said, "until the couple works out how to deal with the loneliness and frustrations of being separated." If it's a problem for you why aren't you talking to him about it? Even if it's a case where he doesn't want or need the communication, if it's presented to him as something you want and need, rather than in the form of hints and pushes (which feel more like pressure and as a result get nothing but resistance) you might find that he's more than willing to accommodate you. And if it's something he doesn't want/need to do, the answer is compromise. You want 15 minutes a night, he wants nothing, see if you can't agree to 7 minutes. Maybe he's going to ask you to stop sending ecards, maybe you should start the conversation by asking him if he'd like you to stop sending them when he's out of town. Maybe you'll find out that he has trouble dealing with this too, but you'll never know if you don't talk about it. And I don't know why you'd choose to say nothing and be frustrated and unhappy instead of just dealing with it and resolving it!
The first step in having a productive discussion is to bring it up when there's no problem between you. Tell him how you feel. Tell him you want/need communication because you miss him, but it feels like he's doesn't want to talk to you and it causes you to feel bad. There are some really great articles that have some great tips on constructive communication in our Information and Resources section:
Verbal Fencing With Someone You Love
Ten Rules For Fair Fighting
Dos and Don'ts For Fair Fighting
Conflicts - Points to Remember Silence will get you nothing but misunderstanding, lack of resolution, confusion and hurt. Communication will give you understanding, clarity and the ability to find resolution that hopefully satisfies you both. If you want other than you're getting, you have to speak up, there are no mindreaders in relationships!
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Hi,
This is your ironbutterfly. Yes exhale. Question have you told him how you feel? No really clearly tell him how you feel? Okay. Well first you should try your hardest to pull the emotion out of what your trying to express to him. It's really hard yes, but men try to atleast cover and hide the majority of their emotions from us anyway and it may sound kind of foreign and confusing hearing so much of it along with something he probably doesn't really want to talk about anyway. Here hit bases any of these things:
-Can you hear me out please? I have something to say.
-I miss you so much also.
-It hurts me to not spend time with you yes
-It hurts me to get only a fraction of your time when I do speak with you.
-I understand you may be busy
-I would like you to show me you miss me as much as I miss you
-I miss you too but do you feel like I'm ignoring you?
-I deserve more of your attention when your away
-Let's compromise
-20 minutes sounds like a reasonable amount of time.
* 20 min. can easily turn into 25 min. and 25 into 30<<<<<<<<
Let me know if any of this helped.....