Newby - Long Story

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2003
Newby - Long Story
51
Wed, 03-23-2005 - 8:35am

Hi Everyone I'm new, I used to post on the Step-parenting board until this week - My so and I found out from a DNA test a 3 y/o boy is not his. Quite a huge shock and having some major repercussions now. DH and I are getting along fine. I worry about him and to an extent our relationship together.

Anyways that my story, Derry I recognise you hope you're doing better! (((hugs)))

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-23-2005 - 10:00am

Hi Tigerlily ~ I have to say, that's the shortest long story I've ever seen, lol!








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2003
Wed, 03-23-2005 - 7:22pm

Hi CL Sorry for the shortness! Our situation is we are married and had EOW visitation with a boy he thought was his son. Recently we got the results back of a DNA test showing he isn't the father. The child lives with his biological mother.

We will be starting court proceedings shortly and I'm sure this will put a strain on our r/ship. AS it is find out this news has been a shock and my DH has been feeling all kinds of anger and resentment. While now our r/ship is fine and strong - I still want to brainstorm here for ideas on helping him through this rough patch and ensuring we come out stronger.

I'm very worried that this experience has put him off having another child - with all the negativity felt right now.

Thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-23-2005 - 8:16pm

Stop, hold the presses....take a deep breath and stand back.

for 3 years...he's fed, clothed, bathed, storied, he's loved, played with, and interacted with this child as his own. Take money OUT of this...and it's easier to see the fundamental issues that matter.

For 3 years, he's believed this child is his...he's loved and bonded with this child as a result. Now who exactly prompted this DNA test that has proven the biological paternity? You...him....the bio mother? I know the child didn't do it.

Why anybody would do this is beyond me.....because now there is an emotional bond that transcends any financial obligation. To stop being this child's "father" now...is like him grieving the loss of a child in death. It's putting the child through irrepairable damage and agony on an emotional level as well.

So, who started this nonsense? What adult wanted him to "stop seeing this child" - because that is the primary result of this procedure - at least potentially. Who was threatened by this love and this bond? Who resented the time and money spent on behalf of this child?

So now, the father that the child knows...is not his bio dad. guess what folks....at 3 years in terms of this parent/child relationship - the DNA don't count...and the emotional bond does.

The father is obviously over any love he had for the mother...nd hopefully they've got a polite and working relationship for the sake of this child. Because guess what....everybody here that is intelligent, long-term focused, responsible, and mature is going to "allow and enable and inspire" this bond to continue. "bio" is now not the point.....the man is his "adopted father" in everything but the technical and legal sense.

This is the onlly father the child knows...and this is the only child that the father knows and has bonded with.

So whoever started this...needs to get themselves to the therapist. To figure out why a 3 year bond between a parent and child, that apparently was not causing any type of emotional or physical abuse or grief was such a threat it had be impacted by a DNA test.

Because in actuality, that test means nothing. Every day thousands of step parents who are now divorced...parent their step children. There is no legal requirement, tehre is no biological bond...but there is an emotional bond that is important ot the child and the parent, and should not and cannot be broken - even if severing it is attempted by some third party - be it the bio mother.....or his new SO.

Him not being biologically related doesn't mean a thing, except in legal circles. And this bond with this child should be promoted and enabled from both you adn teh other...so that the child and he do not lose out on the 3 years that they've spent...that'll create havoc and living hell for them both and all those they love - for the next 60 years to come.

Surely you've told your SO that you fully support him continuing to parent, to daily interact, to pay support, to be in this child's life....so that your future children will have a half-brother to play with, to know, to love, and to cherish for a lifetime...haven't you?

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-23-2005 - 11:08pm

Thanks for the explanation. Another question though, what kind of court proceedings are you going through? Knowing that will help in understanding what's going on and what kinds of issues might be popping up.


Off the top, I think being there to support him, understanding his shock and anger. I'm assuming that not only did he invest emotionally and feel responsible for the child, but that he was paying child support, so he feels stripped of what he believed was his child and perhaps feels a little "duped" by having stepped up to the plate and having paid out all this time? Guessing here, you'll have to help....


Depending on how he feels about the whole thing, just because he's not the biological father doesn't mean he can't remain involved with the child. After all, the child has bonded to him as well, and that's something that blood really doesn't have anything to do with. There's nothing wrong with loving a child that isn't yours, and there's no reason to turn your back on a child you love -- and who loves you -- because he's not yours biologically. They can be great friends, have tremendous love for each other and a strong bond without being biologically related. His anger is understandable, but he should remember that the child is not at fault and doesn't understand anything's wrong. In other words, continuing to see the child would not only be a great thing for your s/o, but it would be wonderful for the child. Even if your s/o plans to back away from the child, doing it slowly would be so much easier on the child than dropping out suddenly. If all this is a very new discovery, I'd expect that it'll take your s/o some time to process, his emotions will probably run pretty high off and on for a while. Venting, anger and sadness coming and going wouldn't surprise me at all. Being understanding and supportive is what you need to be right now, and perhaps the quiet voice of reason if/when he's had time to vent and continues to verbalize things that you know are not what is typical for him to think or feel.


I don't really see how this would be a threat to your relationship. You say you're relationship is strong now, and really, unless there's something I don't understand, the issue doesn't involve your relationship, other than the time you've both spent with the child, but that's not the kind of involvement I mean. How do you see it as being a potential threat? Has your s/o "bailed" on previous relationships when faced with tough issues outside the relationship? Help me see what it is that concerns you.


As far as effecting you having children (and the fact that you're thinking along those lines indicates that expect your relationship to weather this problem, right?) I would think it would be more of a reason for him to want children rather than not to. He's had a taste of fatherhood and since it seemed he liked it, it would be reasonable to think that he would want a child that really was his (that sounds awful, I know!) It isn't a subject I would bring up for a very long time though, while he's in the middle of sorting this out, hurt, angry and upset, he's not going to be in a position to think realistically about what he wants for the future. He's busy trying to grasp and manage what's happening today. That's a subject I'd hold off for the future, but I don't think the fact that this child was not his would make him not want children. Obviously he loved and cared for the child, it would seem he likes children and is quite a responsible father.


Don't take too much stock in how he feels right now. This is a negative experience and it will take him some time to come to terms with it. Time will help that. News like this is quite a blow and I would expect that in dealing with this he'd go through the same stages as someone who was dealing with a death or other life changing issue, after all, he is suffering from the "death" of his belief that this child was his son.
Everyone's experience with the individual stages is a bit different, but each goes through all the stages, so please take the explanations of the stages with a grain of salt, his experience may not be *exactly* what is suggested here. The five stages of grief can be defined this way:

  • DENIAL

    In the denial stage we refuse to believe what has happened. We try in our mind to tell ourselves that life is as it was before our loss. We can even make believe to an extent by re enacting rituals that we used to go through with our loved one. Making an extra cup of tea for our loved one who is no longer there, rushing back to tell someone that you have met an old friend. Flashing back to times and conversations in the past as though they are here with us now. Introducing someone accidentally by your loved ones name to someone else. They can all be part of this stage.
  • ANGER
    We get angry. The anger can manifest itself in many ways. We can blame others for our loss. We can become easily agitated having emotional outbursts. We can even become angry with ourselves. Care must be taken here not to turn this anger inwards. Release of this anger is a far better way to cope with grief in my experience.
  • BARGAINING

    Bargaining can be with ourselves or if you are religious with your god. Often we will offer something to try to take away the reality of what has happened. We may try to make a deal, to have our loved one back as they were before the tragic event occurred. It is only human to want thing as they were before.
  • DEPRESSION
    Depression is a very likely outcome for all people that grieve for a loss. This is what I would consider the most difficult stage of the five to deal with. There can be a the feeling listlessness and tiredness. You may be bursting helplessly into tears. Feeling like there is no purpose to life any more. Feeling guilty, like everything is your own fault. You may find you feel like you are being punished. Pleasure and joy can be difficult to achieve even from things and activities which you have always gained delight. There can even be thoughts of suicide. There are many different ways in which this stage of grief can manifest itself. If you at any time in this stage feel like doing yourself any harm please do seek professional counseling. Self preservation is a must.
  • ACCEPTANCE
    The final stage of grief. It is when you realize that life has to go on. You may still have thoughts of your loved one, but less intense and less frequent. You can here accept your loss. You should now be able to regain your energy and goals for the future. It may take some time to get here but you will.

    Taking care of his physical needs is important during stressful times like this, that means getting plenty of sleep, eating right and staying away from alcohol are good things that will help him get through this easier and faster. He might consider seeing a therapist for just a few sessions to work through some of his feelings, confusion and emotions; it could be a huge help to him in putting this in perspective and getting through these initial shock feelings he's having.

  • ~ cl-2nd_life


    "You can't control the length of your life,
    but you can control the width and depth."

    ~ Author unknown








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-26-2003
    Wed, 03-23-2005 - 11:09pm

    Agree 110%.

    ~ cl-2nd_life


    "You can't control the length of your life,
    but you can control the width and depth."

    ~ Author unknown








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 11-10-2003
    Thu, 03-24-2005 - 2:01am

    Hi Erin thanks for your post. DH initiated the DNA test, he’s never been fully convinced the child was his, truthfully neither have I but I remained somewhat quiet. For DH a lot of it came about because he in fact didn’t feel he had the emotional bond he should. His family became increasingly unconvinced the boy was his and one thing lead to another…

    DH is not grieving the loss of the child as badly as I think you may be thinking. He is upset though. DH has voluntarily decided to stop all contact, while I understand it may be damaging to the child, it isn’t my choice to make him have contact with the boy. I have told him my support remains to him. I can only give him the time he needs, and not force anything. At this present moment.

    DH has sought legal advice to sue the Bm, so I guess you could say he resents the time and money he has spent. I feel sad he’s gone through it and annoyed the little boy has no idea who his real father is. Somewhere out there a man has missed the first three years of his sons life! That in itself is disgusting. That same man deserves to know, meet and raise his son.

    Unfortunately DNA does count, DH’s name will be stricken from the birth certificate and he has no obligation to support this child nor the Bm. DH does have the legal right to recoup all CS paid and if he so chooses file for civil action. DH has no relationship to the boy, he has not ‘adopted’ the boy.

    On DH’s behalf I have sought counsellors help for him, he was very kind and agreed with the action DH took, although he did suggest gradually seeing him less and less if DH felt he was up to that. He also commended him for initiating action which now will allow the boy to find out his real father and the bio-father him. I am in agreement with the cousellor.

    To you the test may mean nothing. To my DH he has lost his money, time and part of his life to someone who lied to him. That test means a lot to him. And it means a lot to both our families who deserve to know who they are related to. As I said before I have told my SO that I fully support him in what he chooses to do, right now he has chosen to have no contact and I can respect that.

    Perhaps I need to explain the full implications of this, legally this child is not his or mine, or ours. That means the bio- mother has full rights, including the one to terminate visitation whenever she sees fit. How anyone views the bond is irrelevant because we are legally strangers to this child. He is not a half sibling, nor a cousin or son, I don’t understand your comment about our children playing together?
    Thanks again for your post.

    iVillage Member
    Registered: 11-10-2003
    Thu, 03-24-2005 - 2:18am

    Thanks CL. To answer your questions. Court proceedings to get back the money he’s paid and possibly more for other damages. I am trying to support him with the shock, yes and he does feel lied to and manipulated.

    He knows it’s not the Childs fault, I think that’s something we all recognise but at the same time right now he doesn’t feel he can continue on any kind of relationship – so I’m not pushing one. Yes I am trying to be the quiet voice of reason. It’s not fun.
    I see it as being a potential threat in the way that this whole experience may have really hurt him, which worries me. My DH has not bailed on previous r/ships .

    The experience I feel has put him off having children, to give you an idea why: He did not like fatherhood; it was an ordeal for him to move states for what he thought he was doing the right thing by this girl. He gave up a wonderful job, his family and moved where he had nothing. And had to deal with a manipulative, horrible and deceitful BM. He has negative connotations of the whole thing. I want to help him get over that.

    I have no intention of bringing up this subject for a very long time. I recognise the sensitivity of it. He is a very responsible person though and I love him. Thanks for your stages, we both missed denial but I believe we’ve gone through a lot of anger. I’m going to encourage him to sleep well, eat right and continue to see his counsellor. Thanks heaps CL, you’re advice was really nice and well thought.

    iVillage Member
    Registered: 10-20-2004
    Thu, 03-24-2005 - 6:19am
    Great post, Erin!! I agree with every word you've said.
    My dad adopted me when I was around three, I guess. He's been my daddy since I was a year old and nothing or anyone on this planet can change that. He was the one who wanted to kick some boy's ass for hurting my feelings when I was a teenager, he was the one who came and bailed me out when I had a flat tire or had run out of gas (a rite of passage for all seventeen year olds, I reckon), he's the one who was at the hospital with me when I had to have surgery to cut the nail out of my foot because I refused to wear shoes, he's the one who was at the hospital with me when I had my son, he's the one who takes Jake fishing and hunting and to Wal Mart. You're right...there's no room for "biological" and the sooner this society recognizes that, the better off we'll be.
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 10-20-2004
    Thu, 03-24-2005 - 6:36am
    I read all of the posts and I understand the resentment the two of you are feeling. Sounds as though his ex either deliberately manipulated him by telling him he was the "proud new papa", knowing full well he wasn't, or she found herself in a situation of having to keep a life altering secret with the hopes it was never found out. Either way, the child is the big loser in all of this. I understand the fact that your husband doesn't want to play daddy at this point, but I encourage you to please, please make all of your decisions with this baby's well being in mind. This is truly a heartbreaking situation and there are no winners. Your husband and you may be off the line in terms of financially seeing to the little one, and you've clearly made huge sacrifices (making a physical move), but there is that little boy who suddenly is minus two people in his little world. In an ideal world, BM and the two of you could sit down and find a happy medium, realistically, it's clear that's not going to work. I'm in no way saying your husband is making a wrong decision....it's a tough one to make and I don't wish it on anyone. He's doing what he must do. I can also tell you that there aren't alot of women out there who are as loyal as you are. I've seen friends of mine go through bad times like these and found themselves dealing with it alone because their girlfriends or wives decided to bail. I know that's the exception versus the rule, but still. Keep on being his biggest ally and supporter. Keep on "keepin' on". The right thing sometimes is the most difficult thing to see, yes?
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-26-2003
    Thu, 03-24-2005 - 9:29am

    Having been all around your block and a few others.....here's just some tidbits I picked up.

    Legality and reality rarely meet in the middle or with a functional junction. and you're talking civil legality - not criminal.

    So, in light of the bond that he's failed to develop because of his own insecurities, doubts, fears, and issues in life with this child....after 3 years of being poked, prodded and pushed about this issue all over the plate - due to his lack of true involvement, caring, and responsibility regarding it - he's sought a DNA test and found the child is not his.

    Okay.....that ought to tell you volumes about ever having children with this man.....as in DO NOT DO IT. He bonds with what pleases and benefits him....not with what obligations and requires of him. That's not a position of parental love or discipline.....it's a position of parental irresponsibilty and dysfunctionality.

    Their adult relationship not withstanding, for 3 years he had suspicions the child wasn't his, paid support resentfully, bonded only minimally, and did nothing of finalization regarding the questions until poked, pushed, prodded, and perhaps even enabled by you - as in did he have the funding prior to marriage to pursue the testing?

    That said....address the reality of legality. This is a civil matter. Every day millions of dollars are awarded in civil judgements that are never recouped by those that receive those awards by order of the court. Why? Because you can't get blood from a stone, and for civil repayment the legal system does not bankrupt or constrain in fundamental ways the lifestyle of the person the judgement is against....not for.

    So review realistically her living situation. Because if in reality she's been using this support to fund a lifestyle that she can't sustain without assistance....you can pursue a lawsuit, a judgement, and all the expense of it for the purpose of "revenge" and "chest thumpign validation" - but you'll never see a dime, while you spend plenty of them. In short, does he want his money paid to date back.....in say 15-20 years.....when she's no longer supporting a child and can then begin to repay him on a monthly basis - in the same manner he paid her...when the child was 0-3 years of age? Because in reality - that is what you're looking at, if you get it at all.

    Also, civil judgements are not court reviewed once ordered by the court. Depending on her financial position.....your husband will likely be awarded the amount he's paid her only, no interest as he didn't responsibly pursue answering these doubts and questions in a more timely manner. She'll then present her reality of daily living expenses and income....and be informed that when the child comes of the age of 18, or 22 if she funds his higher education -s he can then begin to repay your husband in a monthly stipend. She'll likely be informed if she marries, she must begin payments on this back debt immediately...however, that requires you two to keep up with her for years an her status nad lifestyle - to ensure that she's not remarried and thus not obligated to payments yet - or returning to court to have the order "enforced" - because that is what civil judgements require if the person required to pay doesn't od it of their own volition in accordance with the judgement.

    Are you wanting to get the "vindication" at your expense - that likely will tie you up for years......because if you go this route it is highly advised by most ethical attorneys that you consult a counselor and be prepared for the reality that this 'judgement" on paper is the only vindication of your position that you'll ever receive. YOu need to come to terms with that, going into this proceeding accepting that as the "desired result" - with any funds actually received being a bonus and score if they ever come forth.

    He also commended him for initiating action which now will allow the boy to find out his real father and the bio-father him. I am in agreement with the cousellor.

    If a counselor said this verbatim, he's an idiot and you need never go back. If you heard this from his words, it's understandable because it presents a nice cushion on wish to recline and ignore the reality. This action only strips this child of your husband as a father. It does NOTHING to restore his paternity biologically to him. The mnother would have to have some clue as to who else the father might be, that person would have to be willing to step up and assume responsiblity....and all that is highly unlikely in reality. She either doesn't know who else it could be there is so many possibilities...or she easily might know, and have lost all contact and options on contact with this person....once your now husband assumed financial and legal responsibility by naming teh child as his own.

    The idea that time can be recaptured, or that events can be undone with new ssituations is ludicrous in teh extreme. Your husband didn't want this child....he resented the obligation it presented. HE signed the birth certificate and paid support, while doing minimal bonding because it convenienced and angered him. He signed and paid the support because he's lacking in self-responsiblity and long-term goal focus. Just like his parents pushed and prodded him into NOW finding this out...he was pushed and prodded into signing that certificate and taking responsibility legally...where she and everyobdy found out "you might make me pay, but you can't force me ot play" is his attitude about this whole thing. Please realize that had NOTHING to do with the child...or the relationship with the mother. This is him not wanting this child, this responsiblity, him lacking in self-responsibility and focus...and he doing whatever is easiest at the moment, with no regard for the well-being of others in equal priority with himself, or when apropriate in teh case of children - over his own personal immediate needs and gratification.

    This simply allows him to couch all this "I want out of this hole" with "I've now done the noble thing and freed the child to pursue his rightful biological parent." No....he's taken a 3 year old child who's got not power, authority, control, or ability t do anything on his own, for himself, regarding long-term well being and said "you're not my problem, and I won't be required to deal with you because you don't please and gratify me. It doesn't make me feel good, and it inconveniences me to be your parent, be gone."

    If you see it any other way - you're kiding yourself and that denial will come back to haunt you in ways that you have no clue today could be your reality.

    Perhaps I need to explain the full implications of this, legally this child is not his or mine, or ours. That means the bio- mother has full rights, including the one to terminate visitation whenever she sees fit. How anyone views the bond is irrelevant because we are legally strangers to this child. He is not a half sibling, nor a cousin or son, I don’t understand your comment about our children playing together?

    I understand that legally he's not the biological father. He's no longer obligate to support or involve or parent. This means that the biological mother is now the child's sole parent and guardian and provider...and your husband has no rights to visit, and no obligation to support. When I made the statement, based on your original post - I assumed that your husband had been appropriately parenting adn loving this child for these 3 years. Thus the emotinal bond that would exist would supercede "legal technicality".......and this child while not biologically related is surely emotionally attached and would be included in the family that you and this man create (which if I were you - I'd rethink having. People's values justify their actions and ddetermine their character. situations just are the stage on which their values are in evidence via actions, decisions and words. So what he's doing is abandoning a child he took resonsibility for...and should it suit him at any point - he'll have no problem walking off from everything but the legal obligation to support any children you have together).

    But what you're saying is accurate. Legally he has no obligation. You've provided the insight that he has not attachment or bond to the child. He's simply angry that he didn't take responsiblity appropriately sooner and save himself all te money and time...but that would have cost him money and time at the time to do that. And it doesn't appear that his values inspire any type of action that doesn't immediately gratify and benefit him.......whoever else is impacted or not, not his problem.

    Erin
    quickblade14@hotmail.com

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