Newly Married - Problems with Money

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2006
Newly Married - Problems with Money
9
Wed, 06-14-2006 - 9:20pm

Hello, everyone,

I am new to posting on the boards, but have been reading iVillage for quite some time. I wanted to start a discussion on a topic that in my experience is a cause of many arguments and misunderstandings in a relationship - MONEY. I also would like to share my story and get some support from the more experienced and wiser women.
I am 23 and my husband of 3 months is 26. We are also 25 weeks pregnant with a baby boy. Before we married, my husband was very honest about his financial problems: bad credit, unpaid credit card debt, some school loans, overdrawn checking account (it does sound like quite a nightmare, but combined, his debt is less than $4,000 - not as much as some of my friends). I also have debt, but unlike him, I have had a steady job ever since college, and have been paying everything off on time, keeping my credit score decent. That is, until now.
The GOOD:
1. He gives me all of his paychecks, or as much as I ask for.
2. He admits that I am much better at budgeting and managing money, and gives me complete freedom over handling our combined funds.
3. He never lied about his problems, bad habits, spending, etc. Very rarely, he forgets to mention something I should know, and when I remind him, he is very hard on himself, and very apologetic.

The BAD:
1. My husband is horrible with money. He just doesn't have a concept of how a lot of small purchases of sodas and snacks at gas stations runs up hunderds of dollars on MY credit cards.
2. After discussions on how we both need to change our spending habits, even though he feels guilty and agrees with everything, he still buys his daily Red Bulls, which in the long run add up to money we could use to pay off debt and buy baby stuff. But he makes other changes like eating PBJ sandwiches instead of eating out or eating more expensive meals.

The UGLY:
1. For the first time in my life, I went over the credit limit on two of my cards, and missed mothly payments twice. One card was his fault, the other mine, but I just don't have the energy to manage the spending of TWO people. After all, he is an adult and should have control over his own money.
2. He smokes a lot (never around me and our unborn son), which costs a lot. His father agreed to pay for a smoking cessation clinic, but my husband can't (and it seems like he is not trying to) find the time to do it. He works overtime and is still in school, but I would like to at least see an effort to stop this nasty habit.

Overall, I don't think he intentionally does any of the bad stuff (apart from smoking) - everyone makes mistakes. We love each other very much, and he wants our financial problems to work out as much as I do. But his lack of any kind of money-managing skills is starting to drive me up the wall. Any advice on how to handle this?

Thank you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
Wed, 06-14-2006 - 9:42pm

I have advice! My husband and I have been married for almost 9 years. When we first got married his credit was HORRIBLE. Not just unpaid student loans, but also a charged off credit card (which came along with lovely bill collector threats) and a judgement against him (which means NO ONE would give us credit). On the happy side, now we both have excellent credit (around 750 each) and we purchased our first home a year ago. This is how we did it.

1. I know many people advice not to do this, but my husband is extremely laid back. It was never "his money" or "my money" it was OUR money. Everything went into the account via direct deposit (including $100 a paycheck directly to our savings account which is never touched), I paid the bills, and I left a certain amount of money in the account for expenses -- gas, food, spending money for the two weeks.

2. When things were very tight I pulled out cash. X amount for gas, X amount for spending money. If he wanted a coke on the way to work every morning it had to come from that money. If he wanted a CD, same deal. When the money was gone so were the luxuries. It sounds harsh, but you have to do what you have to do.

3. You HAVE to be on the same page with this. If only one of you follows through it will never work. Take the credit cards out of your wallet and only use them for extreme emergencies. If he has bad credit and has not changed his spending habits take him OFF your card -- why ruin both of your scores.

4. Bills came first. If we had to eat mac and cheese three nights a week that was fine. Minimum payments must be made, more if there was some left over at the end of the month.

5. Once you have started paying on time, fixed spending habits, and start building a savings, the only thing that can improve your credit score is time. It took us 7 years.

oh, and as for the smoking ... hmm ... my husband smokes too, probably a pack a week. I've given up. He is a respectful smoker -- never in front of kids, only smokes in his office and blows the smoke into a fan that goes outside. Sometimes you just have to pick your battles :)

Good luck! :D

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Wed, 06-14-2006 - 10:34pm

Letting you handle all the bills might not be helping.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2006
Thu, 06-15-2006 - 10:46am

As others have said, there have to be some changes here.

First, you need to sit down TOGETHER and review all of your debts and monthly obligations. Motley Fool has wonderful tools for this. Then you have to AGREE on long term goals. Do you want to own a home? Take a vacation every year? Start a savings account for the new baby? You're going to have to agree on this or it won't work.

Then draw up a budget TOGETHER. From here on out, everything is CASH. Hide the cards and put an alert on them so you know if he's using them.

Your husband needs to be involved with the money management. Your taking over the bills just exacerbates his irresponsibility with money because he is avoiding the money issues entirely. He needs to be involved so he can learn and so that you can keep reaffirming mutual financial goals.

jg

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2006
Thu, 06-15-2006 - 3:49pm

You married a man who has a long track record of not being good at managing money and one that has a smoking addiction. So I assume you either decided that these were not big issues and now you changedd you mind, or else you assumed you could change him?

Now that you are married you want him to handle money responsibility, something he has no demonstrated skill at, and to give up a very personal addiction.

Tred very carefull here....you run a major risk of sending this guy a message that he is not loved and accepted at a very base level. If he decides this he will withdraw, you will probably pursue all that much harder, and then things will spiral down from there.

I would not try to do all your post wedding vow fix-it projects on him at once. I realize you are a soon-to-be monther and have an instinct that you want to make things perfect for your new family, however, this is a lot for him to absorb.

You should start with the money issues first. I agree with the other posters that you need to make this a WE problem and come up with a WE solution TOGETHER. This means he gets an equal say in decisions even if you understand money issues more than him. Later you can address whether smoking and red bull are worth investing energy in. I realize that these two things have some linkage, but for now assume that smoking and red bull is going to continue and factor that into your plan.

Remember if he is like most emotionally healthy men, he wants to be adored by his wife and child. If he feels this he will return it to you and will be willing to do almost anything for you. He may or may not be like most men, but it might at least be worth trying. Have you had more interactions with him in the last month on money problems, or how much you love and appreciate him ---- you uneed to make sure these things are balanced appropriately.

Good luck, P.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Thu, 06-15-2006 - 6:06pm

My first and biggest piece of advice is STOP using the credit cards, period.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2006
Thu, 06-15-2006 - 8:04pm

Thanks to everybody for your advice!

First off, I realize that stopping to use credit cards is the first thing we need to do. This is the goal for the following two weeks - pay all bills and make all purchases with cash. If we can do that for at least one pay period, then it'll get easier from then on.

The funny thing is, I understand WHAT needs to be done, I'm an accountant by profession, and I'm good at managing other people's money, just not my own:((. This is partially why the situation is so upsetting to me - I really should not have put myself in it in the first place.

What all of your responses made me realize is that the reason we've been having so much difficulty with finances is I tried to do everything (budget, savings, etc.) myself, eliminating my husband from the decision-making process, thus also eliminating his responsibility for decisions made. I guess I was trying to take the easiest road, and use my knowledge to manage the money, instead of teaching him how to do it, but you are all right, he will NEVER learn this way.

So right now I am planning a discussion for this weekend, where we're going to come up with common goals (long-term and short-term), a budget, and a mutual agreement to stop using credit and start saving more.

As far as smoking goes, he's been very vocal about wanting to quit even before we married, he tried to do it himself but failed. He is very worried that smoking will make him a worse role model for our son, because he had issues with his dad who used to be a smoker telling him not to smoke. So it is safe to say I am not forcing my will here, I don't ever nag him about it, as he doesn't smoke around me.

I think that being pregnant is making me more worried about this, as I'm afraid we won't be able to afford baby stuff. Both our families will help out (this is the first grandchild, so both sets of grandparents are rushing to buy gifts), but obviously, we'd be able to afford more if not for the mutual debt.

I'm glad to hear that I am not the only one out there with this problem though, and I think young people in general have a much harder time with money, assuming they don't have super rich parents paying for everything.

If anyone has more advice concerning talking about money with your spouse, creating a budget that works, and staying with it without nagging and being unpleasant, please share. Your experience will definitely help me!

Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Thu, 06-15-2006 - 9:38pm

Here are some boards you might want to also check out regarding money management:


Budgeting


Debt Support Group


Ask the Love and Money Expert

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-16-2006 - 1:16am

Coming in on this late, Diabless888 ~


I think there is no one right or wrong way to deal with this, what works for one may not work for another and ultimately, it's what works for both of you that works. In marriage, it's pretty normal for one partner to have strengths and weaknesses that are unlike the other partners, and as such, I think it's perfectly reasonable and rational to utilize those talents. If one of you is better at something, it seems only rational that they would be the one to do that thing, there will be something else that the other partner is better at and he or she can take on that one. It's part of being a well-working team. I think if you're better at money management, it's very reasonable and right for you to be the one to take on the financial role, however, I also think he should at least be a witness to it. Having a "bill night" would take care of that, where you both sit down at the kitchen table (or the computer if you pay online like I do) and go through the bills, you may be the one actually "doing them", but he sees the amounts, realizes what the expenditure is and hopefully will get a sense of regular, routine paying habits. I know you said you're too tired to pay the bills for two people, but I don't think I understand what you mean. If the bills are all in one place and you have regular "pay dates" set up, it should be no big deal to pay them all yourself, there shouldn't be that many more than there'd be for one, are there? Utilities, rent/mortgage and the few credit cards you mentioned, right?


I agree that you both need to be on the same page, and it sounds like he's willing. For the amount he spends on lunch and his drink, I would suggest agreeing on a weekly or monthly allowance for each of you. He can spend it however he wants, but when it's gone, it's gone and he has to make do until his next "payday". If you don't spend all yours, it just means you get to save it up and use it on yourself for something else.


It sounds to me like he had good intentions of quitting smoking, but found that as it came time to actually do what he said he wanted to do, his desire to quit faded. I think his father's money would be wasted on cessation classes, he's not ready to quit yet. I'm sure you'll hate to hear this, but he may never be ready to quit smoking. You knew he was a smoker when you met him, verbalizations of wanting to quit or not, you signed on with him as a smoker, you have no right to expect him to be anything else. I've been a smoker, quit and lived several years with my husband, who was an active smoker, before he quit. I wanted him to quit soooo bad, but didn't say a word. The smell, the expense, all of it! Eventually, he did it on his own, which makes me very glad, but he could well have stayed a smoker. You'll know he's ready to get serious about quitting when he's the one that brings up the cessation classes.


Best of luck!







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2006
Sun, 06-18-2006 - 3:52pm

Haven't read the other posts yet... but first and foremost, your husband must quit smoking. His habit costs a lot of money and it will only increase when it starts affecting his health (medical bills!). Also, just because he doesn't smoke around you and your unborn child does not mean it's not affecting your health. Tobacco can impair his sperm so your child may already be affected by his nasty addiction. Also, kids who grow up with a smoking parent have a higher chance of developing asthma and other breathing problems/allergies. Visit the link to find out how much he's costing you guys:

http://www.healthatoz.com/healthatoz/Atoz/tl/misc/costsmoking.jsp

You need to sit down and spell out what his spending habits are doing. It might help to write things down and show him how his daily red bulls add up. Worst-case scenario: You might have to put him on an allowance if he can't control his spending habits.