Newlywed Problems

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2006
Newlywed Problems
15
Mon, 02-06-2006 - 2:22pm

Hi there,

I'm a newlywed, and today is our 6 month anniversary. However it's been about 5 weeks now since my husband has exhibited any sexual desire for me, and I'm trying to understand how dire this is & what I can do about it.

We have been together nearly 4 years, and have always had an amazing sex life (at least 4-5 times/week), not just in quantity, but in quality. I should also mention that he's 3 years younger than me, haha. We are both very fit and attractive individuals, neither has changed physically (at least significantly) in the entire time that we have known one another.

On our very first date he asked me what my goals were, and I told him that I wanted to have a family and a career, in that order (I've already spent several years attaining career goals and am looking to shift goals for a family). He seemed impressed and in accord. Since then I have been very honest and vocal about my desire to have a family, ideally with him. Seemed to be a shoe-in when he asked me to marry him, and then when we actually did get married. We wrote our own vows together, and each referred to our future family in our vows.

I will be the first to admit, since I am a bit older than he is (I'm 30), I've been a little more interested in our timeline. However he's much more laid back and I am a scheduler. No worries, I've just asked him to agree on a year for us to aim for, with obvious room for improvisation since life is unpredictable at best.

Well, right after the new year started, I asked for us to have a planning session, where we would agree on common goals for the year, whether financial, spiritual, or fun or whatever. In our first discussion it came out that he was doubting having children at all, and didn't feel comfortable even revisiting the topic in a year to give it a rest. I am hurt, but trying to get through this and see what is causing him to back out of something so big.

To make matters worse, he claims to have lost any sex drive and has not touched me sexually in 5 weeks now. He has become distant, and now instead of having sex 4-5 times a week, we cry together about 4-5 times a week.

Is there any hope for us? I love him so much and want him to be happy, but I can't take this kind of rejection.

Thanks for any advice at all.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: lb623
Mon, 02-06-2006 - 3:25pm

And there is nothing that you can think of, some big occurence, that would trigger this kind of response?

I would have him first be checked out thoroughly by a dr, though I think whatever it is is psychological rather than physical. And I think it's just awful that he had agreed to having kids when he wasn't sure or that he's changed his mind about it now. That is not fair to you. COming back in a year to revisit it is NOT an over the top request.

I really think counseling for him would be his best bet. BUT he has to want to go. I would talk to him about it and ask if he wants things to stay this way or if he wants to work through the problems. And his actions should let you know.

GOod luck and keep us posted.

Jen

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: lb623
Mon, 02-06-2006 - 5:32pm

Gosh, it sounds like his not wanting to have sex is directly related to his not being sure about having kids (as in, he's afraid you might get pregnant).

Will he go to counseling with you? I think this is one of those big life issues that is really hard to resolve without the assistance of a trained third party.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2006
In reply to: lb623
Mon, 02-06-2006 - 5:57pm

i wonder if that's his deal as well. i have tried to reassure him that a) i'm on the pill and b) i would *never* try to have a baby without his total buy in. no skipping pills for me.

i've recommended counseling several times to him, and he's not really open to it. he sees it as nothing we can't do ourselves, which i don't agree with, but i can't open his eyes to that. he is more into meditation, which i've tried but can't really get into so far.

...sigh.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: lb623
Mon, 02-06-2006 - 6:04pm

Perhaps you can take the approach that if he can explain to you *exactly* why he has lost his sex drive and what specific steps he is planning on taking to resolve the kids issue, then you'll come around to his views on counseling.

And meditation is NOT going to help with communication and resolving issues between the two of you...it's great for *individual* stress and focus but will do nothing (IMO) to help you as a couple (it's too internally focused).

Good luck, I know this can't be easy. It may come down to you giving him an ultimatum about counseling, unfortunately. Some men don't "get it" until they are about to lose their marriage.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: lb623
Mon, 02-06-2006 - 6:14pm

A couple of things stand out....in your dialog about what led up to your present day circumstance, you used the term "seemed" twice when referring to his buy in to all the conditions of the union.

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2006
In reply to: lb623
Mon, 02-06-2006 - 8:21pm


From the timeline you've outlined, his lack of sexual desire does seem to coincide with your talk about starting a family. And that's not a small issue.

Only he can answer the "why" though, and if he can't or won't, then I also think you may need some third party help. I know from prior experience that it's REALLY hard for men to admit they may need help. They like to think of themselves as strong and capable, and admitting they need help I think challenges their view of themselves somewhat. But if it's important enough, I think he should consider it.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: lb623
Tue, 02-07-2006 - 1:22am

It seems pretty clear to me that since he's not sure he wants to have children ever and he knows you want them now his lack of sexual desire is directly tied to his fear of getting you pregnant -- it's not at all an uncommon occurrence.


I strongly suggest the two of you seek the help of a counselor who is accredited in couples counseling to help you with this. If it's serious enough that it's affecting his libido, it needs real help from a professional therapist/counselor to resolve.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2006
In reply to: lb623
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 9:44pm

well, it's been a few weeks since my last entry. where do we stand now: after a lot of soul searching, and after several attempts (on my part) to seek counselling, he's decided that he just does not want this life, and would rather divorce than try to find a compromise about having a family with me. i'm more than a bit confused by this, but i am now going to counselling by myself to help me through this strange turn of events.

thanks to all for the awesome advice, maybe i'll see you all on a happier board someday!

-LB623

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2006
In reply to: lb623
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 10:10pm

lb623,

Wow. Such a turn. As hard as it is to handle, maybe this is a blessing. Yes, you love him, you married him thinking that he would be it for the rest of your life. I'm so sorry to hear you are now facing a divorce. They aren't easy and it will affect you for along time. Bottom line though, you two didn't want the same things. Better have learned this now rather then after a few kids, having to break up their home and be a single parent on a little income. Now you can find a man who wants what you want. Good luck.

Best of luck,
defleppardgal

Defleppardgal

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: lb623
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 11:47pm

Huge hugs, Lb623 ~


I'm so sorry all this is happening. It's awful, it's shocking, and it hurts more than you can describe, I know. It might be a little embarrassing too, having a marriage end so soon (I hope I'm wrong about that, but I can sure see where that could be the case) but I have to say, if he feels this strongly, if he's sure he doesn't want children and it's something you want, ending it soon is better than dragging it out.


I have some friends who married agreeing that neither wanted children. She began to change her mind, and as the years went by her desire for kids grew. Meanwhile, her husband didn't change from his original feeling. Eventually they had to divorce. She absolutely wanted kids and he did not. Children isn't a compromiseable issue, there is a clear "winner" and "loser", someone's going to be unhappy at the least. And really, can you imagine being a parent when you don't want to be? Can you imagine being married to someone who doesn't share your feelings for your children? Worst of all -- can you imagine being a child knowing one of your parents doesn't really want you? I know people who grew up like that too -- one parent not really wanting kids. They say it was something they could feel as long as they can remember. Not that they were abused or poorly treated by that parent, but there was a distance, a lack of enthusiasm.


I'm rambling. I'm sorry, you don't need that. Just know that if this isn't meant to be, the sooner it's over the sooner you can move forward to finding what is right for you. Hanging on, dragging it out won't help, it'll just prolong the pain.


I'd really urge you to see a counselor/therapist to help you deal with all this. You've been dealt a huge blow and it's got to be hard to get your head around it all. Not to mention the fact that this turn around after four years together and a marriage you've got to have some trust issues. If you can't believe him after that time, who can you believe? Starting with a therapist now will help you through the hardest times and get you started through those issues faster, it'll also be the *easiest* time to get through it (as if any time would be easy) when it's fresh, rather than waiting until it's firmly embedded in.


I can't tell you how sorry I am -- it sucks, it's not fair and it shouldn't have happened. You didn't deserve this, nobody does.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

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