Newlywed Problems

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2006
Newlywed Problems
15
Mon, 02-06-2006 - 2:22pm

Hi there,

I'm a newlywed, and today is our 6 month anniversary. However it's been about 5 weeks now since my husband has exhibited any sexual desire for me, and I'm trying to understand how dire this is & what I can do about it.

We have been together nearly 4 years, and have always had an amazing sex life (at least 4-5 times/week), not just in quantity, but in quality. I should also mention that he's 3 years younger than me, haha. We are both very fit and attractive individuals, neither has changed physically (at least significantly) in the entire time that we have known one another.

On our very first date he asked me what my goals were, and I told him that I wanted to have a family and a career, in that order (I've already spent several years attaining career goals and am looking to shift goals for a family). He seemed impressed and in accord. Since then I have been very honest and vocal about my desire to have a family, ideally with him. Seemed to be a shoe-in when he asked me to marry him, and then when we actually did get married. We wrote our own vows together, and each referred to our future family in our vows.

I will be the first to admit, since I am a bit older than he is (I'm 30), I've been a little more interested in our timeline. However he's much more laid back and I am a scheduler. No worries, I've just asked him to agree on a year for us to aim for, with obvious room for improvisation since life is unpredictable at best.

Well, right after the new year started, I asked for us to have a planning session, where we would agree on common goals for the year, whether financial, spiritual, or fun or whatever. In our first discussion it came out that he was doubting having children at all, and didn't feel comfortable even revisiting the topic in a year to give it a rest. I am hurt, but trying to get through this and see what is causing him to back out of something so big.

To make matters worse, he claims to have lost any sex drive and has not touched me sexually in 5 weeks now. He has become distant, and now instead of having sex 4-5 times a week, we cry together about 4-5 times a week.

Is there any hope for us? I love him so much and want him to be happy, but I can't take this kind of rejection.

Thanks for any advice at all.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2006
In reply to: lb623
Thu, 03-02-2006 - 2:16pm
wow... thank you all so very much - it's really nice to have positive energy directed at me after so much weirdness from my SO. i am starting therapy next week (soonest i could get in), and hope that it helps me find some tools to deal with this chaos. we're trying to stay out of the courts & just have it annulled and simply done. i don't hate him, i'm just really sad that he's not into the family thing like we'd originally discussed. thanks again & take care.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: lb623
Thu, 03-02-2006 - 9:54pm

Your attitude and approach are amazing. I'm so glad you've already got counseling lined up. You've got a good head and a good heart. Please keep in touch and let us know how you're doing. We care.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2006
In reply to: lb623
Wed, 05-31-2006 - 9:02pm

hi there, just checking in... it's been a while. i'm doing okay, been going to counseling although not as often as i'd like (kaiser). i ended up filing papers for our divorce shortly after my last post, once he started moving out. as you can imagine this has been quite a rocky road, but that's probably a thread for the divorce forums, haha!

anyhow i was just thinking about the support i've received here ...it's the eve of my parents' 32nd wedding anniversary and i broke down on the phone while talking to my dad. our families are so sad, i'm still really really sad too. i really look forward to a time when i don't think of the first week of a month and wonder how many months it would've been for me & my soon-to-be-ex by now.

that said, i just wanted to thank everyone on this forum and move my "bags" on over to the divorce message boards.

happiness and strength to each of you!
-lb623

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: lb623
Thu, 06-01-2006 - 12:49am

Lb623! It's so great to hear from you!


I'm so sorry for how things have worked out for you, but again, am glad that at least it was addressed early. Taking care of this quickly has been hard, I'm certain, but dragging it out wouldn't have done good things to you either. The sooner dealing with it and working through it, the sooner you're through it and on to better things -- and better things you will have.


I'm sorry you're still struggling, though I don't think it's surprising that you are, you had quite an abrupt and drastic change without any idea it was coming; it's going to take a while to reconcile that with yourself. I'm glad you have caring and supportive family. Have you checked to see if there are any divorce support groups in your area? It might be really helpful for you to join one. It would be worth checking out, anyway, don't you think?


I have to say, this isn't the first time I've heard less than positive about Kaiser counseling. I'm on Kaiser too, but based on personal experience with them as well as what I've heard from others, when my son agreed to see a therapist, I went outside the plan. I've been really happy with them for medical and dental issues though.


I hope you know that this isn't an exclusive club where you have to fit the criteria or you're out the door. You're welcome here anytime. We know you and care about you, whether your problems are 'couples' related or not, or whether you have problems at all or not! Please know our support does not end when your situation no longer fits a certain criteria.


Did I mention you can continue to post here? (lol!) While you might find other boards that you feel more comfortable or supported on, we will never turn you away. Please always feel welcome here, I was glad to see your post and will continue to be glad to see them. Please stay and/or come around as much as you'd like. And absolutely continue to let us know how you're doing.

Huge hugs, Lb623.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2006
In reply to: lb623
Thu, 06-01-2006 - 9:44am

Late to the game on this one and it probably is irrelevant at this point, but don't be suprised if he turns up with a serious girlfriend almost immediately...I suspect that he has been cheating.

You don't put having a family with someone in your wedding vows and change on a dime 4 1/2 months later AND say you never want to discuss it again. Same on the sex issue....fear of getting her pregnant is not likely killing a libido that has been healthy (might slow it down, cause him to use "extra" birth control, but to stop cold is strange IMO, and I suspect he is satisfying that urge somehow). Then to go so quickly and easily to divorce....it does not add up for me from a guy's perspective.

I thinks that changing on the kid issue, which he knows is a deal breaker for her, is his easy out, whether that is cause he is cheating or something else.

Something big has changed for him and I seriously doubt it is an epiphany that he doesn't want to be a father.

The good news is, for your sake it doens't matter given where you are, and it is far far better to have gotten away from this guy before you did have children together.

Best of luck, the divorce process is hard emotionally but you are going to come out happier, smarter about picking a life mate, stronger emotionally, and happier.

P.

 

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