newlyweds in trouble

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2005
newlyweds in trouble
4
Sat, 11-19-2005 - 2:38pm

Hi. I'm new to this board. My husband and I got married in April of this year. The job that he currently has causes him to work 7 days a week. Which really doesn't give us many opportunities to do much together. Its seems though that all of the time that we do spend together is always with another couple. I want alone time with him. and I've told him this but still things dont really seem to change that much. I know I myself have changed since we've become married. I was also super confident and really tried to keep myself in shape. Lately my confidence is like zero and Ive gained about 15 pounds just in the past year. Im always so worried and anxious about our relationship, it seems all I want to do is talk to him, and he doesnt want to open up. Just keeps telling me I nag to much. I wanna know what I'm supposed to do to rekindle the romance. How do I get him to open up and really hear me without making it worse. Am i just over analyzing and getting worked up over nothing? Please help!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sat, 11-19-2005 - 4:28pm

OH wow. A couple definately needs some quality time. There is a saying that I love: nobody ever layed on their death bed and said "I should have spent more time at work"

What was the plan when he took on this job? How long was it to last for? Did you both discuss the potential impact of it? Did you marry a known work-a-holic?

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2005
Sat, 11-19-2005 - 8:54pm
When he first took the job he was just working 5 days a week. Then it went to 6, and now its 7. My mom works at the same company and she's been done the same way. He does get off 1 Sunday a month. He wants a different job. I want him to take a different job. Right now we're really tight on money due to some health problems and upcoming surgery of my own, and we've become kind of dependent on the extra money he makes with all of the over time. It just seems like an impossible situation. But still. When we do have time together I think it would be more beneficial for it to be alone time. You know? .....I dont know.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sun, 11-20-2005 - 1:44am

OK if you want more quality time with him and he wants to quit the job and work shorter hours, you've already got a win/win solution at the tip of your fingers.

What you need to do now is re-think your budget so that you can afford to live on 5 days income. I understand that you are saving for surgery, however one can exist on a tight budget if necessary. Does your budget currently include any luxuries such as eating out, new clothes, cigarettes or cable TV/internet? What about location....could you live in a cheaper area? Even if you are currently going without luxuries, you can further reduce costs by avoiding things like pre-made sauces for cooking, start buying clothes from the flea markets, cut back alcohol consumption, take a sandwich and a piece of fruit to work for lunch....there are savings everywhere if you really want to make it work.

What about potential income? If you have two cars, you could sell one. Assuming that the costs of running a car where you are is the same as in Australia, you can get many, many cabs for a fraction of the cost of running a car. Have you got a spare room that can be rented out? Can you barter with service providers? I've had many free haircuts by bartering with my hairdresser.

Sit down and be ruthless with some cuts to your budget - you can do this!




Edited 11/20/2005 4:57 am ET by iv_aisha2004
Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 11-20-2005 - 6:13pm

Welcome to the board, Mrscollins2005 ~


Aisha's attacking this from the financial/budgeting standpoint, so I won't head there, except to suggest you might also find some good budgeting suggestions on the Home & Food Channel's Household Finances Boards .


What I hear you saying is that the amount of hours he's working really are legit - the same increase in hours has happened to your mother. You say that you've told him you want alone time with him and that nothing really changes, but you haven't given any indication of his side of that conversation, assuming, of course that it is a conversation. I mean, rather than just making the statement, "I want alone time with you" you're talking about what each of you thinks and wants, right? What does he think? What does he want? I have to think that you're not in agreement on wanting to be alone if plans continue to be made with the other couple, right? Him saying you nag about the subject might indicate that what you're trying to convey isn't coming across the way you think it is. It might also indicate that he feels guilt for the situation and is trying to avoid a deeper discussion by turning the blame to you. Since you said you're always anxious and worried about your relationship, that suggests he's heard what you're saying so often that he dismisses it, tunes it out rather than really listening or paying attention to it. A better idea of how the conversation goes and what his part in it is will help figure out what's likely going on here.


I would think your confidence level and your weight gain go hand in hand, they very often do. And often I think, once you get that cycle going they feed off each other: you don't feel great about yourself so you over indulge in eating, which makes you feel less good about yourself, which makes you further over indulge....and on and on and on.


What are you doing? Are you the one with the health problems? Do you work? Whether you do or don't, what else do you do with your time? What are his regular work hours? If you live in the U.S., I assume he's a contact employee? I don't believe labor laws allow an employer to keep an employee working for a prolonged schedule without adequate days off and one day per month does not meet those requirements.







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