no closeness in marraige

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2006
no closeness in marraige
8
Fri, 06-30-2006 - 2:15am

hi i would really appriciate any advice you could give me thanks
i am 27 he is 34

me and hubby have been married for 18 months, we bought a house 6 months ago but i dont know what to do. we have a happy ish relationship i have posted on here before about his drinking . we just seem to be living two seperate lives we go to work we come home, i am always later than him and we sit on the sofa and barely talk, i have suggested going out or turning off the tv and his response is "i suppose we could" not at all interested, the only time he is interested in me is when he wants sex, and even that has no closeness, we act like a couple who has been married for years, he has put on nearly 2 stone since we got married.


.

i have tried to explain how i feel but he does not not take any notice and i just do not know what to do to try to sort this out. we cannot afford counsiling. i used to suffer from annorexia and got it under control, never fully over it but getting better, and its started to become an issue again i can see whats happening but cant control it, and i just feel so unhappy and i cant see a way through it

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Fri, 06-30-2006 - 4:30am

Hugs to you.

I wouldn't normally rush in and suggest a separation, however, with your anorexia threatening a comeback, I feel that you've got to put yourself first at present.

My thoughts are that you should temporarily leave the marriage and stay with someone supportive (your parents?) while you get yourself back into therapy. A drastic move on your behalf may also jolt your husband into some action! Perhaps when you leave he will see just how miserable you are.

How long should your temporary leave of the marriage last? Long enough so that your husband 'gets' that you are truly miserable and joins you in marriage counselling and long enough that your anorexia is back under control.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2006
Fri, 06-30-2006 - 10:13am

I don't have any experience with Anorexia, but 8 poounds in 2 weeks is a lot of weight to lose, even if you are trying. Given you have a past with this, you need to address it immediately. How did you get past it the first time? Who else is in your life that can provide support and some perspective. You should deal with this issue first. You need to be healthy physically and psychologically anyways BEFORE you can create a healthy relationship. Not sure if the relationship is contributing to the individual problems or the individual problems are contributing to the relationship issues, or some combination, but I guess my advice is the same so it does not matter.

After all the excitement of falling in love and the whole engagement and wedding process, and a new house, it is not suprising that your relationship may be in a trough at the moment. I can say that nothing you said sounds like it is not fixable (particularly if he has the drinking under control) if you both want to work on it (getting him to wake up to the issues is the tricky part).

You can not afford to not get some professional help on these issues. If you have a house and cars and other material possesions while you have no marriage and are sick with Anorexia then you lose. If you end up divorced you are going to be in a worse economic postiion for at least some period as well (and probably lose the house). You need to understand how big of a priority getting yourself and your relationship healthy is.....bigger than owning houses or anything else. So find a way to get the therapy you need.

Please let us know how it goes, P.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2006
Fri, 06-30-2006 - 1:16pm

apple2006,

So many times I see women post messages on this board that are in the same boat as you. One thing you all have in common is you make suggestions, but you never back them up, you expect the husband to do that. Marriage doesn't work that way. If you want something you have to take the initiative to get it.

If you want the TV off and want closeness, to do something together and for your husband to loose weight my suggestion to you would be to DO something about it, don't expect him to do all the work. This weekend, maybe even tonight when you get home, grab the remote, turn off the TV and suggest the two of you taking a nice walk in the nice weather. This weekend, pack a picnic and tell him that you want to surprise him with something, take him to a park, eat and then take another walk. If he balks, climb into his lap and give him your best sexy "please" look. You're getting what you want and pretty soon the work you have to do to get it will get alot easier.

If you aren't going to put forth the effort to get what you want why should he??

Best of luck,
Defleppardgal

Defleppardgal

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Fri, 06-30-2006 - 11:47pm

>>This weekend, maybe even tonight when you get home, grab the remote, turn off the TV and suggest the two of you taking a nice walk in the nice weather. This weekend, pack a picnic and tell him that you want to surprise him with something, take him to a park, eat and then take another walk. If he balks, climb into his lap and give him your best sexy "please" look.<<

Great in theory, and it probably would work for some men.

But it sure didn't work for my ex. Before I left the marriage, I remember PLEADING with him to go out with me. I couldn't even get him to help me with groceries let alone see a movie with me. Heaven forbid I would want us to join some friends for dinner. At one stage, I remember calling a compromise involving him joining me on one outing once per MONTH. And for the record, I tried to choose activities that were the kind of thing he used to enjoy.

If the man in question does not WANT to go out and does not CARE about the fact that his partner is not happy - no amount of sweet talking or begging will move him.

When I finally left him, he did promise to start going out more - but it was too little too late.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 07-01-2006 - 12:50am

For those who are unfamiliar with Apple's situation, her previous post can be found here:
husband drinking


Apple, I owe you an apology. I peeked in on the board earlier and saw your post, but for some reason, your name did not look familiar to me. Generally, I'm pretty good at recognizing names, I sure missed yours! I post the links to previous posts so those who are responding have a fuller understanding of the situation. I'm sorry I've posted yours so late.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 07-01-2006 - 1:07am

I agree with Aisha on this one. It's about personality, likes and dislikes, she wants more, her husband is satisfied with the way things are, no need for change in his opinion. And if he did get up and do things at her direction, that would be great for a short while, but I suspect she'd get tired of being the "program director" and would like to have a husband who was interested in doing things himself, not just a follower who gets up at her direction. Another concern is, she's voicing dissatisfaction, concern about their closeness, etc. Why hasn't that spurred him to more action, willingness to be closer, etc.? Why does he need more prodding when he knows things aren't good? That, to me, is a concern.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 07-01-2006 - 1:15am

Sweetie, any relationship that's causing you to self-destruct is not a good thing, and that's exactly what's happening to you. First and foremost you've got to get yourself under control and taken care of. I'm not talking about couples counseling I'm talking about eating disorder therapy. Preferably the person or program you worked with before, if that's possible. Like Orangcuse said, you can't afford not to do it, you know what can happen, this can't be ignored or let go.


I suspect you may be doing this to yourself because you can't control what's happening with your husband and your marriage, don't you think? Cutting down on drinking for a month isn't enough and isn't real progress, and you know that. You have a lot of problems going on and your husband doesn't seem very willing to do any real work to resolve them. Now it's affecting you not just emotionally, but physically. You can't control him, you can't make him stop drinking, you can't make him be the kind of husband and partner you want and deserve, but you can control yourself and take care of yourself and that's what you've got to do first and foremost.


What options are available for you?







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sat, 07-01-2006 - 7:07am

To be fair, the "take the initiative" approach works beautifully with my DH. And while I will freely admit that I do get tired of being the program director, I don't mind too much because once DH is out, he's happy to be there and good company. Also, he knows that the kids and I like to get out and do things and is happy to do it with us.

But my ex complained about having to go out and did so under obvious protest. If we were meeting friends, he'd be making himself ill with stomach nerves. Or, he might have stayed at home no matter what. No matter how much program directing I did or how much thought I put into the event, it wouldn't have helped at all.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace