No place to run...or walk to.......
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| Wed, 03-29-2006 - 3:15am |
Hi,
I don't know where to turn. I recently made a decision to leave my husband because of various legitimate reasons. I am presently living in my mother in laws home and not welcomed at all. (This is her vacation home and she only comes to the states once every two years) She wants me out because of my cats. My husband sold "our" home out from under me. He originally would not put my name on the deed because he said my credit was not good enough which is bogus. Now I am living in a place where I am not wanted.He did not have to courtesy to ask his mom he just moved me in and told me she won't mind. LOL. His mother said if I get rid of my cats I can stay. (I have had my cats for 9 years and they are like my children...I've only been with HER son for 6 1/2). I feel I have already given up my home (two actually) I had to sell ALL of my furniture to move here. I have literally nothing but a few clothes. I have been with my husband for 6/7 years and he is constantly getting farther and farther into debt. He owes everyone and when he files taxes I have no idea when he gets the return because he has it electronically deposited into his checking even though he claims me as a dependent (I didn't recall signing anything). So I decided enough is enough. I rented an apartment back east and started shipping my boxes to my son's home. I was less than one month from moving and I was packing more boxes and in the process fell and broke my ankle in several places. I now have 11 screws and a plate in my ankle and I am at my husbands mercy. He does very little for me since this happened especially since I was in the process of leaving him. Why should he right? Maybe because I am a human being and it would be a decent thing to do...but NO. I can not drive or walk for three months. HE reluctantly has to take me to and from physical therapy twice a week (with NO communication to and from). It is quite a struggle trying to cook (I have almost burned myself twice) I shower myself and everything else. My step daughter is ill tonight and I am watching her. (Her mother doesn't want to send her to school tomorrow so she dropped her off for me to watch). My step daughter is a smart girl and she asked "I bet it is hard to get around like that Rosie isn't it?" I told her honestly "Yes, it is honey" and then she said "Why doesn't Papa help you?". I didn't know what to say. Her father heard her and was in the next room playing his video game and I just said I guess because he is busy doing other things. I feel so sad. I have three beautiful step children whom I adore and they do me. But even they see what a lack of concern their father has for me. My husband and I have been distant and ready for separation for almost a year now..... entirely too much has been said and done. He belittles me, talks very condescending to me, and treats me with no respect. For the past several months he spends all of his spare time playing a certain mindless video game. He has a great job and he it is to the point where it is interfering because he is calling off work to come home and play this crazy game. He is now meeting people from the game. He met with a couple yesterday and spent several hours with them getting acquainted at a bar while I sat at home. (Of course I can't go anywhere right now because my ankle constantly has to be elevated and is in a lot of pain) Whenever he is home he is always on that mindless game. I think he is really lonely inside and just looking for friends and it is his way of dealing with things. Since we moved from the mountains to his mother's home I have only one friend here and it gets pretty darn lonely. I sit at home all day long. I don't have anyone ever to invite me for coffee, etc. My friend makes it over once a week but i still feel so alone and lonely. I'm not working obviously due to this injury and I am sitting home.... so my main source of entertainment is TV,computer and books which I am grateful to have that. This is the hardest thing in my life to be totally dependent on someone who puts video games ahead of me. It is like my life has such little meaning. He once in a while says you need something and if I say yes he runs and gets it throws it at me and runs back to his game. It is almost laughable if i wasn't hurting so bad. I know I need to concentrate on me and getting well right now but it is hard. My mind is going 100miles an hour I just want the hell out and I feel stuck between a rock and hard place. I want to start to like me again. I certainly don't want nor feel capable of a relationship. I feel like damaged merch. I don't think anyone would want me even if I was recycled. My self esteem is dwindling fast and this arrangement is not helping. I am not normally into the "pity party" mode but I am scared, alone and tired and in need for some positive insight. Thank you in advance.
Rose

Hi Rose
What a terrible situation to find yourself in! I can't imagine being stranded like you are - however, I do think that you're asking too much of your estranged husband.
I'm not going to criticise him for not helping you because I don't know what was said or done during the break-up. If it was an acrimonious split, I would not be expecting (nor asking for) any help from him. Likewise, now that you have split up, it's none of your business whether or not he sits infront of video games. I understand your frustration - but when you chose to leave him, you chose to do it alone. And he's giving you what you asked for. Unfortunately, you can't leave him and still expect support from him.
Anyway, I believe that you need to find ways to not depend on your husband. Are there any decent public transport options near you? As you appear to be on good terms with your step children, perhaps their mother can help you? Mind her children in exchange for some practical help. Or perhaps you can move in with your son temporarily and continue your therapy in his city? Or perhaps there are some local community services that can help you?
Have you investigated what Social Security can offer you? Have you informed the tax dep't that you are no longer your husband's dependant?
I don't know if any of my suggestions are workable....but you really do have to find ways to function without your husband.
best of luck to you.
I'm so sorry you're in this situation, Rose. I can't imagine how incredibly difficult, depression and defeating it would be.
It sounds like your husband has been controlling things for a long time, with the houses being in his name only, and apparently the checking account as well. Has it always been like this? Before this, did he tell you what you could and could not do, etc? At first I thought he had moved you into his mother's vacation house by yourself, but it seems pretty clear that he moved both of you there. His mother is now saying you can't stay if your cats are there? Meanwhile, of course, your husband stays. Are you hearing this directly from her or are you hearing this from him? You said you were leaving him for various legitimate reasons, and I don't doubt that one bit, but could you elaborate a little? What kind of husband is he? What are the reasons for the divorce? My questions may sound snoopy, but I'm trying to get an idea of your situation so I know what to suggest to you. Depending on your answers, there may be options you've not considered.
You mentioned children, but I'm not sure which are yours/his/yours together, or their ages. Your son in New York is an adult, yes? The sick child is his, not yours and does not live with you, yes? You have three others? Do they live with you? Near you? Are they his/yours or both of yours? Adults or children?
Sorry to have this be a question asking period instead of any help, but I'll be better able to offer suggestions with a clearer picture. I'll be checking back for your answers
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Momodiva, I'm hoping you'll post again with some answers, I have some thoughts that might help you, but without a better idea of your situation, I'm not sure which might be workable and which won't.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"