No Sex Life & Boyfriend posting ads on Craigslist

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2012
No Sex Life & Boyfriend posting ads on Craigslist
12
Fri, 07-19-2013 - 9:49pm

Since January my boyfriend and I have not had sex, I've tried to initate to no avail.  We are living together and will have been together a year in Aug.  He says the reason he doesn't want to have sex is because he's unhappy with how he looks (he's always been big, but apparently has gained some weight, I can't tell.)  Tonight I went into his office to print some things I needed and when I went to Gmail, it automatically pulled up his account.  I'll admit it, I snooped (I've previously caught him watching porn in there, but that doesn't really bother me.)  What I found was that he has been posting ads in the casual enouter portion of craigslist.  He has had women respond, and he's responded to them.  I didn't see any evidence that he met with someone, but he's has disappeared in the afternoons for hours, and he does get up much earlier than me (this morning without me asking he provided a long explaniation of what he did while waiting for a parking spot to open (they are paving 1/2 our complex this morning.)  Now after seeing the ads, reading the emails, I am suspious that he is and has been cheating on me.  It's weird because we've always said we both would rather end the relationship than cheat.  He is 18 years older than me, and we've had a lot of stress in our lives lately because I've been out of work but I am searching, just with no luck.  I honestly don't know what to do, do I confront him and admit I snooped, or do I let it go and keep trying to reactivate our sex life?  It's also a tough position because I have no money and no where else to live.  I honestly love him, and when we do go out we have fun together, we are also trying to exercise together.  This is my first real relationship so I'm still a newbie at this.  He does otherwise treat me like a princess, he cooks for me, makes sure I have my vitamins, spend time with me (mostly when we go out, not so much at home.)  (Side note, he works from home and is addicted to his work and also a game he plays online.)  Any advice would be appreciated.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2012

Thanks, the more I've thought about the more I believe he is cheating.  I just hate confrontations, they litterally give me panic attacks.  I think I have to face the truth though, he's too imture to be in a relationship, and I have to respect myself enough (extremely difficult for me) to confront him and find out what is going on and move on with my life.  Mentally I know I deserve someone better (emotionally, that's hard though) and I have to deal with this, if I don't it's just going to lead to self-destructive consequences.

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004

Observations based on your post:

1)He uses porn but that "doesn't bother you."

2)He treats you "like a princess" but won't touch you.

3)He says he's ashamed of his weight gain but he's posting and answering ads on Craig's list with women.

4)He's addicted to work and video games and he's "stressed" because you're not working.

5)You deny he's cheating despite the above and his "disappearance" for hours at a time.

6)You haven't been intimate since January but he's apparently interested in sex with other women.

I think you see a pattern here. I do. He's bored. With you. Or himself.

Or, he's so deep into the fantasy world of porn, he can't have "normal" sex any more because it's boring and so "real." (No one has intercourse for as long as they do on porn movies. NO ONE.)

He's looking for action with strangers and apparently getting some despite the fact he's "addicted to work and video games." Sex is a powerful drug.

My advice? Keep looking for a job. Find another place to live and leave. You're involved with an 18yo boy, not a man whose 18 years older than you. Wave good bye and don't look back.

And never settle for such a self-centered, immature, and selfish man again.

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