Is this a normal GUY Thing? or what?

Avatar for sweettartnacho
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Registered: 01-18-2006
Is this a normal GUY Thing? or what?
16
Thu, 09-29-2005 - 8:25pm

OK, I'm really depressed tonite. You have to understand that tonite is symbolic.

We've been married 12 years. I don't think he wants to share his life with me, basically!

On the nite he asked me to marry him, I was floored. We'd never talked about it. I couldn't believe it! This was after 2+ years of dating. I never saw much prob before then - other than I just wasn't that excited about him.

After that much time, how could I say no!???????

In premarital counseling, the minister asked about things & expressed surprise at such as we'd never talked about who would handle bills. In our counseling, it came out that there was an obvious disagreement about that. We laughed, yet still, in 12 years, there's been never another word in who would handle bills. After I overheard his opinion, I just backed down & I let him do it.

It's seemed from time to time that he just didn't want to SHARE life with me.

Still today, he insists on giving our girls separate valentines from himself.

He tells me what he was thinking of giving my one daughter for her bday ---what about US????

These are just examples.

He always talks to my inlaws about how HE contracted to have a new roof put on. I ask about ME, too & get pounded verbally - like I just make no sense.

AM I nuts? What can I do? We don't kill eachother & fight a lot. The marriage & family works mechanically, but I always think there's something missing. He says he's happy.

Today he tells me that another workbuilding tenant put ugly messages on his door & knifed the landlord's car ----- THREE years ago. Is this not important enough to mention?????? He said it was so highschoolish, therefore, he didn't mention it.

Is this the way all guys communicate????// I really do not know! I haven't dated much.

Why would he not share such events in his life?

All we usually talk about is who took out the garbage, etc.

He gets ANGRY when I ask him questions to try to get him talking.

I'm so sad tonite!!!!!! Can someone say something POSITIVE< but also HONEST< to make me feel better? I'll check back in the morn. There appears to be no answer.

He loves being this way. It's natural to him. I'm bored as hell & looking for some affection & color in our marriage.........

Please offer me some hope -but honest, not bs........... "(

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-06-2005 - 3:11am

Your answers were great, and I thank you for them, they give a lot more insight. But I really don't have any idea how his behavior now differs from his behavior while you were dating, you really haven't said much about your dating days besides that you were floored that he asked you to marry him, weren't "head over heels" in love with him and basically married him because of the time you'd been together.


If you don't mind my asking, what are you seeing a therapist for, marriage issues only or other issues as well?


You know what your answers really sound like? Just like your previous posts, it sounds like the two of you simply are not a good match for each other. You're not wrong in what you think, what you want, how you feel, and neither is he, but your personalities don't match at all. You said, "I try real hard to do the right thing & not upset him, which seems to make things better - but it's not the real me & it's exhausting. ". The fact is, in trying to do the right thing, you're trying to do the right thing for him, and that's not what the right thing for you is. His "right thing" feels foreign and is impossible for you to achieve because it isn't natural and it doesn't seem right to you -- it isn't right to you. And yes, absolutely, being something that isn't the real you is exhausting, incredibly so. It's not real, it's not genuine, it's not satisfying, it's demeaning and it's self-defeating. He's a great guy -- for someone, but not you. You're a great woman -- for someone, but not him.

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Avatar for sweettartnacho
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Registered: 01-18-2006
Fri, 10-07-2005 - 8:05am

Well, you may be right & I'm so sad.

This morning he was in his frequent bad mood. He did his sighing & muttering of interjections. I just don't know what to do about that. I'd be a lot happier with him if he could just stop that. It's like passive aggression. He gets to make his statement, but since he's not coming out actively-verbally saying his problems with almost every little thing I do - I can't respond. He knows I take note of those sighs & mutterings & that it bothers me -- but I guess he keeps doing it b/c he feels I can't do/say anything back. What do I do in response? If he could stop these, it would sure help alot.

This morning I just asked him, "Oh, you're in a bad mood again?" (after he'd said something ugly to my dd)..... He said, "Yeah, I guess, whatever....." I guess the "whatever" part is supposed to cut down my question.

I'm wondering if he's depressed. He'd NEVER admit that!

I'm in therapy & have been on/off for 20 years.....for depression at first - then more for anxiety, once my first child was born. Marriage questions all along.

His mom talks about how he used to do "the sighing thing" as a teen/college aged kid. I never noticed it while dating. Not so much in early marriage. More than ever in recent years - esp. this one!!!

This afternoon we're leaving (w kids) on a little 3 day getaway. I'll be gone a while. I'm sorta dreading his bad mood. Hoping he'll have some good ones. Bringing lots of books to "be my friends/comfort" if I need to get away....... I'm not saying it'll be a bad trip - but I'm leary, obviously.......

Thanks for listening - You seem very good in expressing your opinions!

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 10-08-2005 - 2:13am

Let me know when you're back, Cats, I have a few thoughts and suggestions.







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but you can control the width and depth."

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"Ignoring the facts
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Avatar for sweettartnacho
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Registered: 01-18-2006
Tue, 10-11-2005 - 10:39am

I'm back & aside from a few annoying times -- is that just normal in marriage? ---

I had a fairly good time away......

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 1:26am

The sighing, muttering, and "God help us all" things are pretty indicative of someone who wants you to know they're upset, not happy, etc., but don't want to deal with it, they just want to punish you with it. Make sense? I'm sure you've already done this, but I'll ask anyway. When he sighs or says "God help us all", or whatever, do you ever just approach him about it? For example, in the incident you mentioned before about him hollering at your daughter to brush her teeth. When you got back from taking her to school (I think that's what you were doing), would you have talked to him about it? Calmly saying, "What did you mean by the "God help us all" comment? From there he might explain what he meant, and you could explain how the incident made you feel, or that you don't understand what it was he thinks should have been done differently. If you think the "God help us all" comment was meant to upset you, taking it as a joke might do the trick; laugh out loud and repeat it back, "Yes! God help us all!", but treat it as though it's a real joke between you, not as though you're trying to stab him back with it. It's not much fun to throw comments if people think you're kidding and joke back with you about it, if that's what he's doing, he'll stop if it doesn't get the results he's looking for. A book that might help you deal with this is "The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships", by Harriet Goldhar Lerner.


But Cat, I can't help but notice, "I'm in therapy & have been on/off for 20 years.....for depression at first - then more for anxiety, once my first child was born. Marriage questions all along. ". You went into marriage knowing your feelings for him weren't strong, you've been unhappy, dissatisfied and struggled in marriage for 12 years. Realistically, you can't expect it to change much; you have to know if it's been like this for 12 years, this is how it is, period. How many years of your life are you willing to spend unhappy and dissatisfied? When will your happiness count?







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Living Together








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Avatar for sweettartnacho
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
Thu, 10-13-2005 - 9:12am

I don't always ask. But when I do, he denies anything's wrong --- just playing a game!

I guess I wonder if I'll ever be happy. My dad & bro used to always talk about how I was gonna have a hard time in life b/c I was never satisfied. So, I guess I do wonder if it is ME. Maybe I'd never be happy w/anyone. Life is not totally bad - tho that's all I talk about here. I guess I feel that things aren't bad enough to leave.

.....He won't accompany me to parties/social events anymore. He really is shy. I asked him last nite if he'd go with me to something that's upcoming & was trying to find an excuse not to. Finally, he said he'd have to let me know! I just worry when it gets to a point (as it has this year) when a spouse won't accompany the other to things. Of course, I see his shyness increasing - but it just doesn't look good!

I need to look up your book! .....

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