Not getting much better...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2005
Not getting much better...
24
Tue, 10-25-2005 - 1:08pm

I hate, hate, hate being wrapped up in my own problems...

It's only been what like 48 hours since my other post??? LOL!

I know you all have been warning me and I suppose these last few days have spoken volumes about what I feel about my relationship.

To be honest, I really had gotten to a point where I believed my bf and what he was telling me. We have spoken a lot lately and I even suggested him going to talk to someone which he said he would do (doesn't yet know that I am suggesting him to go talk to a SA therapist or get an SA evaluation - we'll see how that one is received...)

He has been trying really hard lately to do things, be available, be helpful, be communicative, went out of his way for my b-day...but I feel like it's not helping me even with being in therapy.

I just don't know if this is ever going to go away. I feel like this is not just his problem but mine also. I know that because of my moral code/belief system AND because of what happened to me that I can't be with someone who will possibly allow this into their life, but honestly besides this one issue I feel like this man really was my soulmate in every way. I know that even when I was with people who were very trustworthy I struggled with jealousy and trust, so I KNOW I have issues that I need to work on and I am trying as much as I possibly can. I know that I really had to work hard on not being insecure before and I had come a long way and here I am knocked back down to square one again...

I have been so much better in backing off and knowing I can't do a damn thing to control him, if he's going to do anything, I can't stop him. I really felt like I was trusting him but coming on here I get afraid that I can't. He is a computer genius so he can hide whatever he wanted to from me however if he isn't hiding anything he is probably walking on paper-thin eggshells now because he knows how I've been freaking out...

I think I'm picking fights because I am still incredibly angry. I want to make this work am trying to, he's trying to but because this anger is like a boiling pot of water from which all the steam hasn't escaped from yet...I feel like I'm venting it in other ways now and not wanting to shame him more if he is being honest and truthful, I don't bring it up.

If you all have the time, if you could read my other post on Families Damaged by Pornography "Drowning in this madness" cuz I just feel like I don't know if I can do this anymore and I don't know what my plan of action should be.

I want to be with this man but feel like I don't know if I can make this work. I really do feel like someone who doesn't fit in with what 99.9% of society thinks and don't know if it's even possible for me to find someone else who will see things the way I do unless I join some Amish group...lol!!!

I love this man and I want this to be ok and I think besides the things he needs to work on, I know I have things that I need to work on too (always have) and they are proposing a HUGE problem now...my mistrust/jealousy/insecurity/past abuse + his betrayal = insurmountable terrain???

2nd-life, you said sometimes an addict will become comfortable if he knows someone can't leave him, would it be to our benefit if I did even for a time to see what he does? I feel like I am getting more and more removed from him in a way that I wasn't before. We argued last night and he sent me an email (see other post) and I haven't called him or written back and don't even want to right now and I don't even care about what we were really fighting about!

I want my life back, and I wish I could have my soulmate back. I know you said there is someone else out there who might be more "perfect" for me but I really don't believe it. I never felt the way I did about him or the endless list of things that made our relationship so completely unique and wonderful...
ok let me return to my numb world now...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 10-28-2005 - 12:07am

Quirky, you misunderstand me. The group I was referring to wasn't CODA, it was the group here on this board.


Another misunderstanding, Quirky, you said this board made you more paranoid: "I know coming on here has made me much more paranoid, " That's why I question you coming back for support.


I agree with you on checking out CODA. Even if you went into this relationship adamant about not repeating past problems, you'd be amazed what you can walk into thinking you're not. In the next month or so, you may realize there were a lot of signs that you didn't recognize.



I absolutely agree with taking a step back, putting less focus on the relationship or the problem and more focus on yourself. Time, Quirky, don't be afraid to give yourself time. Breath. And be good to yourself. Treat yourself to whatever feels good to you, and do it often. Bubble bath, ice cream, whatever it is for you, do it. It's important and it will make a difference. Seems silly, but try it for several days and you'll see.


One last thing, then I'll wait for your answers. I know this is feeding the paranoia and I know this is not stepping back, but please tuck this away somewhere to think about. You said he's deleting the computer memory for the last few months. Why would he do that if he doesn't have anything to hide? By leaving it and letting you see what's there he can show you he's not doing it. Deleting it shows nothing, and implicates much. This is a red flag.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Living Together








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 10-28-2005 - 12:33am

I don't know that you and I have the same problem, but I had bladder infections "constantly" for more than a year not so long ago. My doctor would prescribe antibiotics, I'd get over it, but would get one back, often within the next few weeks. Sometime it was longer, but it was a lot. She referred me to a urologist who, after checking to make sure I didn't have a bladder disease (about as much fun as a pap smear, but quicker) he explained that when get a bladder infection it basically destroys the lining of the bladder, which acts as a guard against infection. Sometimes you get into a cycle where you get non-stop bladder infections purely because the lining doesn't have time to grow back to protect the bladder from more infections. He said you have to stop the cycle of infection and give the lining time to regrow so that you're protected again. He put me on a six-month regiment of antibiotics, letting me know it was imperative that I not miss a day. I've been off the antibiotics now for three months and have not had a recurrence. Knock on wood. You might want to check with a urologist. Whether or not you've got the same problem as I did, infection, symptoms and reactions that severe warrant a close look by a specialist.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Living Together








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 10-28-2005 - 12:47am

And yes, before you both roll your eyes at my post, I am completely aware that it is not taking a holistic approach.

In fact, I used to work at a hospital that was very much into the holistic approach. Massages, visuals, Chinese medicine, meditation. Very patient and family friendly.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Living Together








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Fri, 10-28-2005 - 12:50am
Ah, but in the same sense....your suggestion is still looking to fix a cause (lost lining) instead of treating each individual infection without linking them together.
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