not happy

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2003
not happy
12
Mon, 12-04-2006 - 8:48am

we have been married for almost five years, and have had many arguments, but this last one took the cake, and I can't shake the feeling I get from it. It just makes me so sad to think that DH thinks the way he says he does. He told me that he has stopped caring about what I do (or don't do), and he stopped caring a while ago, just failed to tell me. Like sometimes I don't get the dishes done, or I leave shoes laying on the floor and he trips over them. We have a 22 month old daughter, the house is in total chaos because of her. And I don't always get the dishes done beacause I am at home with my daughter while he's at work and then I go to work afterwards, until 10 or 11 at night.

And then there's our daughter. DH is 18 years older then me and has an older son. I thought he was happy when we had our daughter. I mean that's the reason we got married in the first place, I was pregnant( I had a miscarriage soon after the marriage) But he knew that I wanted at least one child. Well now if I tell him something that she did that wasn't right, he tells me "You wanted her" F-ing a$$hole! That pisses me off more than anything. I don't know why but I told him I wanted to have another baby, and though he wasn't thrilled about it he conceded but ever since then he's had an attitude. I'm thinking about giving up on the second baby and/or on him. When we talk he gets mad that "I want him to change" I'm just so tired of it and him right now. It sucks. What should I do?

Anna

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2003
In reply to: kharmaoasis
Fri, 12-08-2006 - 7:28am

I have some questions about some statements DH says and if they're abuse or not.

1. I find something that I am interested in and I tell him about it and he tells me that I would be wasting my time, I'll never finish it, I'll waste money on it, etc.

2. We have two checking accounts. When I got my paychecks I would put them in the second checking account and called it my account one time. He got mad saying that there shouldn't be "my" it should be "ours".

3. I'm still overweight from having my daughter and he makes jokes about me being fat and when is say to him how he hurts my feelings, he gets mad and says, "well, I'll never say anything to you again then."

4. I was looking into getting a babysitter a couple of hours a day, a couple of days a week, so I could go to the gym or something. I told him that and he said, "oh, for YOU, I never get to do anything while you're at work and I'm watching DD, I could be working on my van or going to the gym." I said, well I have at least two nights off a week, you can do that then, he says "do you think I want to work all day and then go to the gym?" It floored me.

Those are just some of the examples, after going to that first website, it has opened my eyes. Is he ever going to be different or is it a lost cause?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: kharmaoasis
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 2:02am
Sorry to be gone so long, Kharmaoasis.


Your husband is mean, cruel, demeaning, demoralizing, controlling, and more. He not only wants things his way, he wants to cut you down as well. It doesn't matter what you want or what you do, it's "wrong", "selfish" and more. When you call him on his inappropriate and hurtful statements, you don't get an apology, you've "made him upset" and are wrong to have been hurt as well.


The facts about abusive, controlling men are these: The percentage of abusive, controlling men who change, including those who go through focused domestic violence therapy is squarely at 1%. Yes, that's right, 99% do not change. That would put the odds that your husband is going to change at zero. He, like the rest of abusers, don't believe they're wrong, and it's pretty hard to get someone to change their entire lives and their entire thinking when they think they're right to start with. Your ex who was abusive didn't stop, you left. Your husband isn't going to stop either. I wish I could give you better odds, but to give you hope would be to suggest you stay longer in the hell you're in and that's not going to make life better for you or your child. As long as you're there it's going to be the way it is.


I take it that you didn't see an abuser counselor during or after the time you were with your ex?







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

Pages