Not interested in Husband?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2006
Not interested in Husband?
35
Thu, 06-01-2006 - 1:45pm
Hi, here is my background. I am married for 9 years (together 13) One child.
My husband and I have always been great. We were married at 22 and we both have change so
much over the years. He used to be good at communicating and the past few years all he
does is yell and get mad at the dumbest things. He likes to argue and be condescending
to me. I have left him before over this and with the help of marriage counseling, he was
getting better, now its back to the same old crap! I don't know wether to leave or wait
it out. Its so hard, with kid and we work together. I don't take his crap anymore which
I know pisses him off. I stand up for myself now! I am such a stronger person, but why
do i put up with his behavior? Its borderline verbal abuse. I do lay it all out on the
table at counseling. He swears everytime he will be better, its been 2 years..We are
so up and down! Shouldn't marriage be mostly ups? I know its not perfect, but is it
too much to ask to be treated with respect that I deserve?
I know I can leave again, it was so hard on our child, but I want ot be happy. The physical attraction is not there on my end anymore. I think i have shut down emotionally
and physically. help?
So confused..

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Thu, 06-01-2006 - 2:46pm

Hi loverjen,


So you've been in marriage counseling for two years?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2006
Thu, 06-01-2006 - 4:36pm
Yes, we have been in counseling for 2 years. he has a lot of anger issues since his
dad died. He is a totally diff. person. Its been 6 years of dealing with this and i
finally woke up and said enough is enough. Either be a loving husband or i am gone! again!
I don't know what to do, leave or stay. i want to know what other people would do??
Anger issues is no fun and now my kid is turning into his dad and i am scared. I told
the counselor this too, she says keep talking to him trying to reason with him.
I tell him to relax and he says stop telling me that. its sad. In order for me to
stay, he would have to be consistant with his behavior with me and our child! He
knows this too!Thanks...
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Thu, 06-01-2006 - 5:13pm

How do his anger issues manifest themselves?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2006
Thu, 06-01-2006 - 6:10pm
Hi. He is not violent with us, just yealls and screams a lot! very condescending
too! Very rude. He has a short fuse. Blows for any reason over anything. Loving
meaning not yelling at your wife for dumb things! Showing affection, not just because he wants sex. I have no sex drive cuz' of the way he treats me. I wish it was 100% all the time good. Even 90%. He tells me how beautiful I am ! Then yells if I say something that
he doesn't like. The therapist says to tell him when he goes off, that only works sometimes with him. Its hit or miss with his emotions..
Thanks
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Thu, 06-01-2006 - 11:45pm
I guess you have to take some time for yourself and figure out if you want to continue in this manner and hope that he will become the husband you want, or if you want to cut your losses and go.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 2:25am

Loverjen, do me a favor and take a look at these articles and posts from the Domestic Abuse Board's Homepage :

I would also strongly urge you to post on the Dealing With Domestic Abuse board. They are in or have been in situations just like yours. Ask them questions, they'll be happy to offer you advice, suggestions and encouragement. Read the posts that are there, both current and archived ones, there's a lot of inspiration and knowledge there. Also read the Domestic Abuse Board's Homepage , it's filled with articles and information that will be very insightful to you. It's there that I first realized my ex had been verbally abusive. Even read the articles that don't seem to pertain to your situation, you'd be surprised how many places you'll find your husband's behavior fitting into and you'll learn a lot about the dynamics of verbal abuse and abuse in general. Here are some articles from their homepage to get you started:


What is Verbal Abuse? (please take the time to read the intro, it's slow but it's sooo right on)
Signs of Potential Abuse: Need to Know
Traits of an Abusive Personality
Know What Domestic Violence Is
Power and Control
Extensive DV Checklist
General Characteristics of Verbal Abuse
The Power of Verbal Abusers Reality
Common Characteristics (Victim/Abuser)
The Mind of an Abuser
Is Your Relationship Healthy?
and listen to this audio interview:
Why Does He Do That? Interview w/Lundy

I ask that you do that because you've indicated that your husband is "borderline verbally abusive". I have to think that it's likely a case that he is verbally abusive. Having been in a verbally abusive marriage myself I know it's harder to think that what's happening in your situation is abuse, at least to me, it didn't seem like it was *that* bad. He was *just* yelling, how bad could that be? What I'm saying is, if you're in the situation and consider it "borderline abuse" I suspect it is abuse, and those articles may help you confirm whether it is.

You said he's been angry since his father died. To everyone, or does he reserve it for you? That's key -- abusers save it for you, people with anger issues dole it out to everyone. You said your son is beginning to treat you the same way, not a good sign. But a very clear sign that it's been going on long and often enough for your son to believe this is how men treat women. I doubt it's how you want your son to live his life. This should be a serious wake up call for you. You said you've been in counseling for two years, but don't really indicate any improvement. That's a loooong time to be in marriage counseling without seeing some pretty drastic changes. Which brings me to another fact. Couples counseling is not indicated in abusive situations, in fact abuse counselors will refuse to consider couples counseling. Couples counseling is harmful in abuse situations, it confuses the issues, it further blames the abuse victim, it gives the abuser more ammunition and generally makes your situation much worse. Here's a post from the Domestic Abuse board that does a great job in explaining why couples counseling is not at all wise or helpful in abusive situations:
"Regular" vs. DV Counseling

You haven't really given an example of a typical exchange/problem/yelling issue between you so it's hard to know what's really going on. It would be helpful if you could give us an example of him "yelling at you for dumb things" and/or "yelling if you say something that he doesn't like".


I'd also suggest you check out the Dealing With Domestic Abuse board and the Domestic Abuse Board's Homepage . Consider posting on the Domestic Abuse board for their thoughts, suggestions and support.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2006
Fri, 06-09-2006 - 2:45pm
Thank you for the support, I checked out all the sites! His problem is he is a jekyl and hyde personality like his whole family. At times i feel sorry for him cuz' it is all he has ever known, but then again we have a choice in life to act a certain way!
Exapmle: If I ask a simple question to him, he will yell ,not now, I don't want to talk about it, or I already told you the answer. I ask why can't he just say it again and not in a condescending way, he says can't I remember anything? (Uh, no obviously) He will
use the phrase "like i already said before" why can't he just say it again like I never asked it before, not in the ryde tone. He makes fun of me that I e-mail friends and I am
on "all the time" when I am not. why do I have my own e-mail address? And not share with him? I know it is controlling behavior, but I don't let him anymore. I did tell him he
had to go to Anger Mang. classes or I would be gone for good! I do worry about my son.
He's 4 and takes a combative attitude with my husband most of the time. I told him to
please not yell at him cuz' he is turning into you. He got mad, but realized I was right
and said he would work on it! Monkey see monkey do right? I am praying this works.
We go to the counselor Wed. so I will bring it up again... anymore insight from you
would be wonderful!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-09-2006 - 3:03pm

A couple more questions, Jen.








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2006
Fri, 06-09-2006 - 5:22pm
He is a very tense person, like the whole family. Anything sets him off, even small
little things. Both sides of his family have serious issues! if you ask any of them
a question that they don't like (whatever) they will lash out. Then 10 minutes later
they are the nicest person and treat you like it never happened.
Fortunately, he has lost no friends due to his behavior, surprisingly, they just
accept that he is that way. I have spoken to a few about it that lnew him longer
than me, and they say he just has gotten worse over the years, but they tolerate it
because he is not like this the whole time. We work together too, family business,
so he has a job. Yes, the whole family, I know, hard to believe, but yeah both sides.
I liked the links. He doesn't swear at me, just very condescending and talks down
to me. I call him on it everytime to let him know its not ok! he then says, you don't
have to correct me everytime and I just say, yeah I do or I do it back to him so he
can have a taste of what it feels like. What worries me is that I used to cry all the
time about it, now, no tears. I have lost a lot of feelings for him because he has
changed so much over the 13 years of us together. I just try to deal with the new man
he has become.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 3:14am

Honestly, I don't understand why his friends would stay because "he wasn't like that in the beginning". Well, he is now, so why would they tolerate being treated badly? I disagree with your feeling that it's fortunate that he's not lost friends, I think it might wake him up to realize that his behavior had cost him friendships.


I'd say you don't cry anymore because you've become accustomed to being treated disrespectfully by someone who apparently doesn't respect women or think of them as equals. If he thought of you as an equal, he wouldn't talk down to you.


When I asked you what you thought of the links, I was wondering if you felt they fit your situation, but it sounds like they don't, which is good.


I'm wondering too, you mentioned anger management, but I don't know that this is an anger problem. You say he treats you condescendingly, not angrily, and that his whole family is like this. It sounds more liked a learned style of communication than him being angry. What do you think?


I'm also wondering how you've gone about approaching this issue with him. Have you talked to him about it when there isn't a problem between you? The first thing I'd do is sit him down when things were good and tell him that this is a very serious problem and that I was considering leaving because of it. You've attended counseling before and said it helped but slowly went back to the way they were before. Have you considered counseling again? Considering that this is how his family is, this is how he was raised and this is how he learned to communicate and deal with things, it's unlikely that it will change much; especially considering it doesn't appear he's unhappy with himself. Real changes like that take a lot of very hard work and determination, the kind of determination that can only come from within and a deep desire to change. Have you considered counseling again? Have you considered counseling for yourself to help you deal with the blows this relationship deals you?







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

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