Not interested in Husband?
Find a Conversation
Not interested in Husband?
| Thu, 06-01-2006 - 1:45pm |
Hi, here is my background. I am married for 9 years (together 13) One child.
My husband and I have always been great. We were married at 22 and we both have change so
much over the years. He used to be good at communicating and the past few years all he
does is yell and get mad at the dumbest things. He likes to argue and be condescending
to me. I have left him before over this and with the help of marriage counseling, he was
getting better, now its back to the same old crap! I don't know wether to leave or wait
it out. Its so hard, with kid and we work together. I don't take his crap anymore which
I know pisses him off. I stand up for myself now! I am such a stronger person, but why
do i put up with his behavior? Its borderline verbal abuse. I do lay it all out on the
table at counseling. He swears everytime he will be better, its been 2 years..We are
so up and down! Shouldn't marriage be mostly ups? I know its not perfect, but is it
too much to ask to be treated with respect that I deserve?
I know I can leave again, it was so hard on our child, but I want ot be happy. The physical attraction is not there on my end anymore. I think i have shut down emotionally
and physically. help?
So confused..
My husband and I have always been great. We were married at 22 and we both have change so
much over the years. He used to be good at communicating and the past few years all he
does is yell and get mad at the dumbest things. He likes to argue and be condescending
to me. I have left him before over this and with the help of marriage counseling, he was
getting better, now its back to the same old crap! I don't know wether to leave or wait
it out. Its so hard, with kid and we work together. I don't take his crap anymore which
I know pisses him off. I stand up for myself now! I am such a stronger person, but why
do i put up with his behavior? Its borderline verbal abuse. I do lay it all out on the
table at counseling. He swears everytime he will be better, its been 2 years..We are
so up and down! Shouldn't marriage be mostly ups? I know its not perfect, but is it
too much to ask to be treated with respect that I deserve?
I know I can leave again, it was so hard on our child, but I want ot be happy. The physical attraction is not there on my end anymore. I think i have shut down emotionally
and physically. help?
So confused..

Pages
roller coaster. I know I need to leave and I see all these women doing it and I hear the ones who say to stay, and how hard it is on your own as a single mother!
I've been feeling like the counseling isn't getting better, its the hope factor. He keeps
promissing to change and work on it, but he doesn't. Our next mtg. is this Wed? Any words that I should bring up to both of them??
I see it as abuse, then I see my friends and think, its not that bad, their case is much worse than mine, thats why its hard for me, he doesnt cuss me out and tell me Im worthless. It would be much easier because I know I wouldn't put up with that. I am
recognizing that I am suffering from emotional abuse, and plan to bring that up too once
again. The last time I did with him, he said "no it isn't"
I wish you could write something for me and I could show him what it is! Anything I can show him to make him realize?
It is brought on by stress, and he has gone to stress mgt. but obviously isnt working.
And no, I am about to break from stress around him. It is so bad, the ups and downs...
I am not willing to accept it much longer..
How old were your kids when you left? Mine is 4 ...its so hard, he misses dad when he
isnt around...how do you deal with that?
"I see it as abuse, then I see my friends and think, its not that bad, their case is much worse than mine, thats why its hard for me" You don't live their lives, you live yours. You have to be satisfied and happy with your life. The only gauge for your happiness and what is acceptable to you is your own. What someone else sees as acceptable, adequate or even right and perfect for them is entirely different than what would be acceptable, adequate or even right and perfect for you. You have to live your life. When I left my ex husband there were many people up and down our street that I would not have wanted to trade lives with, but that didn't make my situation right or acceptable.
"he doesnt cuss me out and tell me Im worthless. It would be much easier because I know I wouldn't put up with that." Did you read the articles I posted for you? Have you looked at the Domestic Abuse Board's Homepage and read the articles there? Many of the articles I posted for you were specifically about verbal abuse and none of them mentioned cussing or being told you're worthless at all. Here are some of them again:
The Power of Verbal Abusers Reality
Please read all the way through this, clear through the descriptions at the bottom.
General Characteristics of Verbal Abuse
Please read this one too.
Signs of Potential Abuse: Need to Know
Traits of an Abusive Personality
Please read all the way through this, noting how many questions you answer yes to, then check at the bottom for what the number indicates. Please note that you won't answer yes to all or most questions, this list deals with all different types of abuse, not just verbal and emotional.
Cycle of Violence
This shows you the rollercoaster you described. It's completely normal in abusive situations. The good time, followed by building tension (you're walking on eggshells, your gut's in a knot, you're trying not to cause a problem or say anything that would make him angry), followed by a blow up, which leads back to the good time stage. It's a cycle and it's "normal" in abuse. You're going through the same process over and over."I am
recognizing that I am suffering from emotional abuse, and plan to bring that up too once
again." I wouldn't recommend it. Abusers don't see what they do as abuse. He won't accept it, won't see it, won't believe it and will almost certainly scoff at you for suggesting such a ridiculous thing. You'll wind up questioning yourself and feeling stupid, he'll be angry that you'd suggest it and will throw it in your face time and time again. He may also use the information to better his position if you wound up in a custody battle; he'll remember you think he's abusive and will work hard to look like a perfect dad and husband to discredit you in court. I'm not making these things up, these are the common results of telling an abuser he's abusing you. Your goal seems to be to prove to him that it's abuse, and I suspect you think if he realized it was he would stop. Why do you think that? He's known for two years you've been very upset and unhappy about how he treats you. He knows you've threatened to leave, but he doesn't stop. So let me get this straight...you're saying that knowing you are very unhappy and upset about how he treats you isn't enough to make him stop but seeing that it's abuse would? How do you think putting a label on it will make him want to stop if knowing he's causing you much pain acting this way doesn't make him stop? He doesn't care about you, your feelings and your happiness but he would care about a label? Not likely, not likely at all. If he doesn't care enough to stop because he's hurting his wife, he's sure not going to care about how the act is labeled.
"It is brought on by stress, and he has gone to stress mgt. but obviously isnt working."
I disagree, based on what you've said before. You said his whole family is like this. If that's true, it's a learned trait, he learned to act this way as a child growing up, watching how the adults behaved in their relationship and learned how to act as an adult there. Children learn what they live, just like your husband and just like your child is.I stayed for 17 years. The ups, the downs, what seemed like "getting better" was just the "good" part of the cycle before it went back to bad. Like I've said before to you, I focused so hard on trying to find the right words to say, just sure that if I could explain it right, he'd stop. But, like I said to you too, he's not stupid, he doesn't have a hard time understanding. It wasn't that he didn't understand, the words weren't hard or unusual, they were every day words. He understood. So does your husband, there is no brain blockage. When I realized the good time I was trying to get back to had been years before I realized how impossible thinking the situation would change was. I knew that if it had been changeable it would have happened in a matter of months and we'd have gone on without the issue, but the fact that it continued for more than that -- years in fact, said that this was not a resolvable issue, not a bump in the road, but a way of life. That's when I knew I was done. My children were seven and four. I was a stay at home mom for eight years. I had no job and no job possibilities when I asked my husband to leave. He quit his job and worked under the table to avoid paying child support. I won't tell you it was easy, there were plenty of times that first year that it was incredibly difficult. Was I ever sorry I left? Never, not even for one second, not during the hardest of times. As difficult as it was, it was always wonderful to not live under that cloud, that threat, that pressure. To not have the knot in my stomach or walk on egg shells, to not worry about saying or doing something wrong. When I made decisions they were mine and I answered to no one, if my decision was wrong, there was no hell to pay. Freeing, very freeing. The peace was (and is) incredible. My son had a hard time the first night. He cried for his father and was inconsolable. I felt awful, I felt selfish, I felt that I had wrongly taken this kid away from his father. But really, I had done him a favor by getting him away from the abusive influence he was learning from living in the abusive situation. Parents are protectors of their kids and as my son's mother it was my job to do what was right for him, even if he didn't think it was right. Kids aren't good judges of what's right for them, that's why they have parents. After that first night he was okay, and what I found after that astounded me. I'd honestly never thought the kid were affected by the situation. We didn't fight in front of them, I didn't think they were really exposed. However, after just a few days of being in the environment without their dad these kids became so much more relaxed and happy I couldn't believe it -- and I'd thought they were completely happy and relaxed before he left. I'd had no idea how much they were holding back. The house finally became a real happy, loving home.
The bottom line is no one can decide how to live, what to do but you. It's your life, no one else's. IMO, you have a responsibility to your child to raise him in as healthy an environment as you can and living with an abusive man is only teaching him how to be abusive and how to treat women. Your husband learned it from his parents just like my husband learned it from his; that's the cycle of abuse. You can talk to your husband, plead with him, threaten him, prove it's abuse to him, continue to look for the "right words", but it won't work. You've been doing all those things for two years and it hasn't helped. Doing it more won't make any difference. You know counseling doesn't work. You know anger management doesn't work. You know he isn't interested in trying to change. You can decide to be happy with the situation and stay or you can decide to leave, but there really aren't any in betweens. You can't change him. You can only choose for yourself and make decisions for yourself. You ask if I'm trying to tell you that your husband won't change because mine didn't? The statistics on abuser who change (including those who go through intensive domestic abuse therapy) is 1%. In other words, statistics show that you have a 99% chance that your husband will not change. The last time I heard my ex-husband go into his verbally abusive tirade was seven years after our divorce. Only it wasn't me he was yelling at, it was his girlfriend. He hadn't changed one bit.
You're still looking for a way to get your husband to change. Has it occurred to you that you're working harder to find a solution than he is? Has it occurred to you that he's not looking for a solution at all? That's a pretty big indicator that he's not interested in changing it. And an important realization for you might be that you can't resolve his problem -- and this is his problem. But if he's not interested in doing the work to change it or in looking for his own solution, he's not going to change a thing.
At least lurk on the Dealing With Domestic Abuse board. Read "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft . Bancroft is a therapist who specifically treats abusive men. His book is written for the women who are in relationships with abusive men, to give them an understanding of how these men think and what their thought process is. It's very enlightening, you'll understand a lot by reading the book. Another book to read is "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans Check to see if your public library has a copies of these books (much easier to borrow than to buy, at least until you know you want to own them). Focus on yourself, not on fixing him or convincing him, it's not possible to do either, you should know that, you've spent two years trying. How hard has he tried?
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Hi! Its been 2 months and I took everything you said into account and you will be proud that I am moving out with my son tomorrow and have filed for divorce! Its time to move on
and I now know he won't change...and i amn a strong woman and have taken enough of his crap and I am determined to be happy in life like I deserve with my son!! He is not taking it lightly, he doens't understand "why" that to me is a huge clue, he just doesn't get it! He says "I'll change, I promise" and I say, I dont believe you anymore, have a good life and wake up. Anyways...i wanted to thank you with all my heart for your eye opening experience with abusers. I did listen and I can only hope that other women follow in my footsteps!!
Thank you!
Jen
I agree that you've taken enough of this crap and deserve to be treated with the respect you want and deserve. No one deserves to be treated the way you've been treated. You and your son both deserve better. In a home without the anger, the verbal abuse, the put downs, the yelling and sarcasm, you'll be able to show him that people treat each other with care and respect, not with abuse. The fact that he doesn't understand why you're leaving says it all, doesn't it? Two years of beating it into him hasn't made a dent. It's not that he doesn't get it, it's that he doesn't think it's a problem; and that tells you everything you need to know. Be aware that the "I'll change" routine will likely be coming in loud and often.
I'm really glad you've made this decision. It really is a decision for yourself and your son. Can I make three suggestions and a request?
See a domestic violence/abuse counselor to deal with the affects living with this has left you. Even if you feel strong and healthy, you have lots of clutter in your head that shouldn't be there and needs to be dealt with. Working with an abuse therapist will help you recognize behaviors so that you don't wind up in an abusive situation again. Call a local women's shelter, a Domestic Violence hotline (let me know if you need a number), or a YWCA, and ask for a referral to a DV counselor. They'll be able to refer you to a local counselor, and it will be free. The benefit of getting their referral (besides the free part) is that you'll be guaranteed to get a counselor who is very good at what she does; they wouldn't refer to a counselor who was ineffective.And the request:
Huge hugs, Jen!
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Thank you so much for all your support, it means so much to me and I took your advice and have everything lined up, I am moved out I have my divorce papers, saw a DA counselor...I am tired, but my boy is good and I am thankful for that! He likes our new home and seems to be doing well. I am trying to print out the 100 days meditation and all I get is blanks. Is there another way, I want to have it printed out. I am coming across so many women these days that are going through the same thing I did, and its nice to know that my story helps them and they are leaving as well...sad though, but there comes a time to move on and be happy and to put yourself first! I haven't done that in a long time and it feels so nice!!
Thank you so much, I love this sight and have been referring my friends to it!
Jen
I don't know why you're having trouble printing "The First 100 Days", I just tried and had no trouble. Though, when I print, I highlight the text I want to print and choose "print selection", maybe that's the secret? I will tell you that the "100 Days" you're reading on the DA homepage is an excerpt of the book, "Time to Break Free: Meditations for the First 100 Days After Leaving an Abusive Relationship", by Judith R. Smith. Your library likely has it. There's a great post on the Domestic Abuse: New Beginnings board
that has a great list of books:
Book Recomendations
It's funny how many women you run into that are in a similar situation once they hear that you're out, isn't it? I had the same experience; their questions are dead give-aways to their situation, aren't they?
Huge hugs, Jen, I'm glad you're doing so well and have taken such strong steps to make sure your life and the life of your little one are healthy and happy, you both deserve it!
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I am looking for a job in the abuse field, I think I would be real good at it. I knew all along what I needed to do, just dragged my feet, but can help others much easier.
Thank you!!! I am still trying to print the part out!!! How are you doing?
As far as knowing all along what you needed to do but dragging your feet, that's pretty much the norm; we all leave when we're ready and not before. Knowing what we should do and doing it are often not the same thing.
I'm doing great, I've been out of it for what, ten years? And I still have "aha's", make realizations and put things together that I didn't at the time. Not that I dwell on it, or even think about it really, but occasionally, I'll something about abuse or remember a specific issue or incident in my previous marriage and see it differently/more clearly than I had before. In all areas of life, we continue to learn!
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I have always wanted to work with abuse victims, I never saw myself at that way though...when I was 16, I was brutally raped, but I survived and never saw myself as a victim, so this was real hard for me....I never saw myself as a victim with my H, just caught up in it all, and it never was like this in the beginning, our marriage just turned into this. So, for a lot of reasons, I think I would be great as an abuse counselor. I got all the counseling after my rape and always saw myself doing something along those lines..amazing.maybe it was a sign that i need to get into the field after what has happened to me, but for now, I am focusing on me and my son and I know will eventually wind up there. People always told me it would be hard working with abuse victims, but I have always thought of myself as a healer to others,,,so we will see...
I have lots of new found knowledge as well... thank you!
I was ready to leave at my own pace...and I am at peace with why I waited for so long and I know I will be fine and just learned more insight from the whole experience... I have the aha's too and I look back and I say "wow" DUH! Oh well, I am out now and its what is important...
You are re-married right? How is that for you?
Pages