Not interested in Husband?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2006
Not interested in Husband?
35
Thu, 06-01-2006 - 1:45pm
Hi, here is my background. I am married for 9 years (together 13) One child.
My husband and I have always been great. We were married at 22 and we both have change so
much over the years. He used to be good at communicating and the past few years all he
does is yell and get mad at the dumbest things. He likes to argue and be condescending
to me. I have left him before over this and with the help of marriage counseling, he was
getting better, now its back to the same old crap! I don't know wether to leave or wait
it out. Its so hard, with kid and we work together. I don't take his crap anymore which
I know pisses him off. I stand up for myself now! I am such a stronger person, but why
do i put up with his behavior? Its borderline verbal abuse. I do lay it all out on the
table at counseling. He swears everytime he will be better, its been 2 years..We are
so up and down! Shouldn't marriage be mostly ups? I know its not perfect, but is it
too much to ask to be treated with respect that I deserve?
I know I can leave again, it was so hard on our child, but I want ot be happy. The physical attraction is not there on my end anymore. I think i have shut down emotionally
and physically. help?
So confused..

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-08-2006 - 11:17pm
You're very new to the "out" life; buckle up there sister, you've got lots more to learn ~!


Yes, I'm remarried, four and a half years now, and life is good, very good. We've had our problems and worked through them. It's really nice to be in a healthy relationship. It's much appreciated, having been on the "other side"!

Edited to say I agree about being a victim. I hated thinking of myself that way. I felt that I chose to stay and was not a victim of anything. I even told my therapist that I did not blame him for anything because I was the one who chose to stay and put up with it. However, having had much time to learn more about the dynamics of abuse, etc. I know that I was indeed a victim, even though I still don't like to think of it that way. It's not as cut and dried as choosing to stay or go, a lot more enters into it than that.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown



Edited 9/8/2006 11:55 pm ET by cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2006
Mon, 09-11-2006 - 1:08pm

So, what else should I be learning? This is hard, not the fact that I left, but I want it over with now, he is being so jekyl & hyde, I want to moce on so bad in my own world...
I see him now and say to myself, "thats why I left" Aha moment!!! I am having a lot of them, but not beating myself up over it...just the realizations... and I wish I got out earlier, but the important thing is now I am and I am safe with my boy!!

I agree with your statement with the victim, I am, but I am not at the same time!!! Make sense to me!

Funny, he sighned up for the Anger Mgt. classes, and he has missed 2 out of 3 already!!
Big sign huh?? Aha!!!

I am so happy..............to be free..............

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-12-2006 - 1:28am
In the world of recovery from abuse, you're brand new, you know? You've made realizations, but there is so much more that you don't know than there are things that you do. You haven't had time to process your own situation, your own abuse, your own issues, and you can't help anyone until you've helped yourself. You're on the right path, doing the right things, but you have a long way to go. Like you said, you agree with my statement about being a victim, and about not at the same time. When I thought that way it was because I didn't realize the dynamics of abuse.


Every step will be a learning process. See that abuse counselor, go with what she suggests, read the Domestic Abuse Board's Homepage , read the posts on the Dealing With Domestic Abuse board. Post on the New Beginnings board I linked in my response to you a few days ago and get your hands on as many of the books from the "Book Recommendation" post I linked in that same response. Read "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft . Bancroft is a therapist who specifically treats abusive men. His book is written for the women who are in relationships with abusive men, to give them an understanding of how these men think and what their thought process is. It's very enlightening, you'll understand a lot by reading the book. Another book to read is "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans. Check your library, you'll likely find many of the books you're interested in there.

Seeing your therapist and learning about abuse is the best way to make discoveries about yourself, your previous situation, abuse and abusers in general. Take your time, you can't rush working on yourself.


And yes, it sounds like your husband is being true to his typical behavior, promising change then not following through. Again, anger management and abuse are not the same things. Anger management does not "fix" an abusive person.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2006
Tue, 09-12-2006 - 6:32pm
Brand new me, i can take that a lot of ways and I feel wonderful!!!! My papers will be filed on Tuesday next week and am so happy, theres some finality with thst part under way.
I am focusing on myself and am seeing a DA counselor tomorrow and am excited about it. That is amazing about the anger doesnt fix the abuser, so true!! He still doesnt think of himself as an abuser cuz he doesnt hitme, he just doesnt get it and never will and i told I was done talking about it, theres no use! But i am ok and thats what matters to me....
I am so much stronger after going through with this, I feel really amazing right now and am still having "aha" moments....
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-13-2006 - 12:26am
It's not really so amazing that anger management doesn't help an abuser, their problem isn't managing their anger, it's in their belief system. As far as your husband not believing he's an abuser, no abuser believes he's an abuser, not even those who are very physically violent. Again, it's about the belief system, the entitlement. Of course he doesn't get it, it's not worth trying to convince him of or even bringing up to him -- really.


Great that you're seeing your counselor tomorrow!








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

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