not much in common

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2006
not much in common
3
Wed, 07-05-2006 - 1:23pm
I have been dating this amazing guy for about six months now, and the longer we are together, the more I realize we do not have much in common. He has many wonderful qualities, but there are some core values that we are very different about. His good qualities are the fact that he is very attentive to my needs, goes out of his way for me, and is trustworthy. Also an amazing cook. But the qualities I have issues are this.. to start, he is an aethiest, and I am very spiritual. Im not religious, but who I am revolves around my belief in God. I never make this an issue, but it is something very deep, and saddening to me. Im also very laid back, and easy going, where he is uptight, and sensitive. He takes things I say the wrong way, and has a temper. We listen to completely different music, and hang out with different types of friends. I love to go listen to a great live band (rock), and he is into going to clubs, and listening to rap. This may not sound like a big issue, but at our age (25), and time in our life, it is a black cloud that always comes to bother us. His friends are very high maintance "metros", and Im more of an outdoorsy hippie. They are all very nice, but overall, theres not much in common. However, one of his friends is alot like me, and I find myself thinking about him. I sometimes wonder if the two of us (his friend and me) might be better suited for each other. I broke up with my current b/f about a month ago because of our differences, but two days later both of our friends suggested we give it another shot, so we did. But now its just not quite the same... Im not sure if we should continue, or just let it rest. Any suggestions?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Wed, 07-05-2006 - 11:28pm

They say "opposites attract." But opposites rarely STAY together.

Compatibility is the basis of a relationship. Without shared interests, lifestyles and values, it's hard to imagine why you're together. You said he is very attentive to you and goes out of his way for you and he's trustworthy. Those are terrific qualities, but have you asked yourself WHY he would go out of his way to please you when he doesn't like much of anything that you like? Do you think this a physical attraction that you two have tried to extend into a real relationship? When two very different people get togehter, they sometimes find each other "fascinating" and stimulating in the beginning. But all those quirky differences soon become annoying once you get past infatuation stage and start trying to live together day-to-day.

I think the difference in your religious beliefs is a particularly huge obstacle, and probably should be considered a deal breaker. You are spiritual and rely on faith in God. He is an atheist. You could try to avoid talking to each other about these beliefs, but I think that would be very hard on both of you. You're going to continue to run up against that wall. And if you don't enjoy any of the same leisure activities, and you have extremely different friends, well, that just sucks (sorry). Relaxing and having fun are majorly important in a relationship, and you should be able to enjoy most of your leisure activities with your SO.

It's natural to have a few lifestyle differences. Every couple makes compromises. But the differences should be in the minority. A healthy relationship should not be a struggle to find common ground.

It just sounds like you and your boyfriend are mismatched, and I can't advise you to put any more time into trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. You're young and there are so many people out there to meet who share your basic views and interests. Life is hard enough without putting yourself through the unnecessary discomfort of trying to get along with a mate who is so far off your page.

I wish you well in your decision.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 12:53am

Please see a duplicate of this post here:


stay together or breakup?need advice NOW








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2006
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 9:24am
Jilly, thank you so much for your response. You said exactly what I needed to hear. Maybe I just needed a third person that is not emotionally involved to hear what the situation is, and give me advice. I agree with everything you said. Now I just need to figure out how to tell him.... Thank you.