Not sleeping in the same bed anymore- please help

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2011
Not sleeping in the same bed anymore- please help
23
Thu, 10-13-2011 - 1:24am

So I have lived with my boyfriend of two years for about 6 months now, and things have lately taken a turn for the worse. We've been trying to compromise on spending time with each of our families and reserving special time for each other but one thing has really not been resolved yet. I am 5'6" and 135 pounds and basically in average shape, but when I had first moved in with him, I was at least 15 pounds skinnier and was a gym-aholic. Due to getting a promotion at work and changing my daily routine, I gained some weight and stopped going to the gym. Lately, he's been saying things like "you're not that fat" and "maybe you should go back to the gym" but tonight, things really got ugly. I was trying to be playful when we got back to dinner and put him in the mood, and his reply (with a grin on his face) was this- "We can have sex when you go to the gym." I freaked out and spent another night in our spare bedroom, which would be the second night in a row.

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Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001
Thu, 10-13-2011 - 2:50am

Welcome to the board, Megmasz ~

Before this, have you been that lower weight throughout your relationship?


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
Thu, 10-13-2011 - 4:55am
I agree with 2nd_life. He cares more about your body than your feelings and it seems that is simply the way he is, you're only just now discovering it. Be glad you figured this out before you got engaged or married. I would not stay with someone who makes me feel like I can't allow my body go through even the slightest change without fear that it'll turn him off.

As we get older, our metabolism slows and even with exercise, it's normal to put on some weight. Our skin loses it's elasticity and muscle is harder to define. I don't know how old you are but you will go through these natural changes at some point - do you really want to constantly worry about what his reaction will be? A partner is supposed to be someone we can rely on to help make us feel GOOD about ourselves - not make us feel undesirable, especially when that is simply not true.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Thu, 10-13-2011 - 11:35am

15lbs isn't a big deal at all. 120lbs is almost underweight for a woman who is 5'6". It would not be worthwhile or healthy to strive for 120lbs and "skinny".

This has nothing to do with you or your weight, and EVERYTHING to do with the fact that you are dating a loser who does not truly love you. I'm really sorry... This has to hurt your self-esteem... And no wonder you're angry, it's completely justified, but you should use the anger to propel you out the door to find another place to live while you deal with being single.

The only weight you have to lose is sleeping in the other bed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 10-13-2011 - 11:42am

I would dump this guy fast.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2011
Thu, 10-13-2011 - 10:27pm

Thanks everyone for the advice- to answer some of your questions, I was sleeping in the spare bedroom previously because in addition to his superficial weight comments, my bf also has an extremely short temper. He snapped at me after I asked if he wanted to go to dinner and a movie the next night, as dates are few and far between due to our oppossite schedules. He grumbled a little, said "maybe" and got agitated, so I simply said I would appreciate a yes or no response so I could plan accordingly- which turned into him going off on me about how everyone nags him all day long and the last thing he needs is me nagging him at the end of the day.

This all sounds so much worse when I type it out....I love him and each morning he has apologized after I've calmly explained my feelings. I just am tired of getting so upset, not sleeping, and then getting some mushy "i love you baby, I promise" in the morning. He doesn't cheat, he's been looking at houses for us to move into to get away from our crappy apartment, and he always talks about our future (kids, marriage, etc.) which are all things I appreciate and have seen as a growth in him and our relationship. But I truly feel that due to growing up in a very broken home, with a somewhat dysfunctional mother as his only parent-figure, he doesn't even know what a successful, longterm, and HEALTHY relationship looks like.

and yet, knowing all that, it's still so hard to walk away.

Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001
Thu, 10-13-2011 - 10:52pm

I have to say,


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 10-14-2011 - 12:02am
Just wait (which I hope you do not) if you have children and really get "fat." And then if you don't lose that fat what next?

"Extremely short temper?" I believe there is no reason to be tolerant of someone who is willing to take out their anger, who is not mature enough to control their anger even if they apologize later. I believe such apologies are meaningless for that just means the perpetrator gets to be let off the hook until the next time he does it.

You are not obligated to tolerate his poor behavior because of his crappy background. You might as well just visit prisons.

What kind of adult, mature, and healthy communication can you have with such a person? Someone who gets triggered at every little thing? Someone who feels that "everyone nags" him?

I would look at yourself on why you are willing to tolerate how he treats you. Are you walking on eggshells because of his temper? Are you afraid to express yourself and how you feel because of his temper? Are you willing to be criticized about your appearance and other things?

Mark
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Fri, 10-14-2011 - 8:46am

You say it sounds much worse typed out... But maybe you need to see how bad things really are.

The fact is... Negative things like the ones you're pointing out actually have more weight than positive things like mushy "I love you baby"s and house-hunting. Why is house-hunting a positive characteristic for this guy? He's helping you pick out the prison cell where you'll be sentenced if you stay with him. I realize that sounds harsh, but there have been so many women who have come here after committing to a man who has a bad temper, who takes anger out on them, who makes awful comments like your man does... And they are looking for a way out.

It is hard to walk away. Usually, the right path is the most difficult one.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2011
Fri, 10-14-2011 - 4:20pm

I have bad news for you, it does not get better and the apology mean nothing because if happens over and over again. I got out of an unhealty relationship after 10 years years of apologies that he meant at the time but the same thing kept happening, same crap a different day.

I used to make excuses for my ex, "does nice thing for me, he really loves me, he came from a dysfunctional family with two drunks for parents, but in the end I had to save myself and my child. He would yell and scream at me in front of our child call me everything except my real name. When our child was two I left him and didn't look back because I didn't want to raise my child in such a mean and hostile home.

Don't allow anyone to demean you and make you feel bad about yourself, love yourself enough to not allow anyone to stay in your life that does not treat you with love and respect.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Tue, 10-18-2011 - 1:08am
"we can have sex when you go to the gym" Seriously? Size 4 and he complains? This guy is downright disrespectful of your feelings. You will never live up to his high standards. Find a man who excepts you the way you are cause this guy is a first class idiot.

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