Not sure if he's "The One" anymore

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2012
Not sure if he's "The One" anymore
Sat, 06-02-2012 - 9:34pm

My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years.... officially living together for 4 years. For the past year or so, I have begun to feel very anxious about our future together. I'm 28 now... and not getting any younger, I have a strong desire to be a wife and a mother (I have baby FEVER) and I feel like this relationship is stagnating with no light at the end of the proverbial tunnel.

Our life together is relatively uncomplicated. We have a cat together.... but other than that we divide the expenses like roommates, have separate bank accounts, etc. I am graduating with my Masters in a week and looking forward to starting an actual career and a LIFE. He is a musician (a very talented one) who does mostly freelance performance work with some private lesson teaching to supplement. In many ways we are complete opposites: I am a homebody, he likes to be out and about all the time; I am social and talkative, he is quiet and solitary; I am an early-to-bed - early-to-rise person, he's a night-owl who plays all night and sleeps all day; I am responsible and down-to-earth, he .... Isn't.

We got together when we were 22 have been discussing marriage for pretty much our entire relationship. He is emotionally very available to me - he is affectionate (although, not sexual really... he RARELY if ever initiates anything) and is a beautiful person all around.... but every time I ask him about a timeline for getting engaged or starting the process of being married and independent he throws up roadblocks like he's financially not ready or that he doesn't want to be "old and married" yet.

I'm starting to think that maybe, despite the fact that we love each other, that we're just not right for each other anymore. I really want to get married and start a family, and when I think about doing that I am not seeing HIM as the husband and father in the picture. I want someone who is responsible, dependable, strong, and secure.... and despite his many other wonderful qualities.... those things he is not.

I feel really conflicted. I know, if I end things, that I will never see him again. He told me that from the beginning: he doesn't maintain friendships with ex-girlfriends, and he doesn't get back together with people once it is over. So, I have to be 100% sure that I want to end things if I end them... because there is no going back.

Can men change? Is it possible for me to help him become the man I want him to be..... or am I just barking up the wrong tree altogether?

If I do let him go, are there other men out there? Is it possible to start from zero and still end up happy and married with kids in a year or two?