Not sure if I am making too much out of it

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Not sure if I am making too much out of it
12
Thu, 09-01-2011 - 1:43pm

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half and just moved in together a month ago.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Thu, 09-01-2011 - 2:30pm

I wish I had an understanding of how inappropriate her text message was, or what "questionable" things have occurred. It's one thing to ask you to accept his ex wife as his friend (I don't think that's unreasonable to be up front about when starting a new relationship) but if they are in any way romantic or sexual with one another, you are probably going to have to find a boyfriend who isn't so intimate with an ex. I don't like that he is talking about your relationship issues with her.

How did he react when she sent him an inappropriate message? How did you find out that she sent it?

If, for some oddd reason, you decide to stay with him, he should be on his last chance with you. Clearly outline what your boundaries are (no talking about relationship problems, no sexual or romantic texts... These should be no-brainers) and if he ever crosses that line again he should be gone.

I think I'd be gone by now, honestly.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Thu, 09-01-2011 - 2:35pm
I don't think you are making too much of this at all. Since they do have kids together I can see where they do need to talk about issues that arise with the kids and maintain a cordial relationship. However I see no reason for the daily texting and long phone calls that don't involve talking about the kids. And if she is ending him inappropriate text messages that is even the more reason to be upset over this. I think your right in saying there are 3 people in this relationship, and unless things change drastically you are not going to ever be happy with this situation as it is because he really doesn't seem to be putting your concerns and feelings first over having this close relationship with his ex wife. So I don't think you are being selfish at all and think he needs to drastically cool down the texts and phone calls with the ex. GOOD LUCK
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Thu, 09-01-2011 - 2:46pm
Thanks for the quick replys...When I say inappropriate, it isn't sexual or romantice, it is a "joke" about what happened when they were together and something triggered her to remember it. They aren't "romantic or sexual" just act like best friends, but I am not included and neither is her partner. He knows this is it. I told him I am so far at the end of my rope that I honestly don't know if we will get it "back". He has told me at the end of the day, it is me he wants happy so he is going to make "changes" and keep their conversations in check and not discuss anything outside the kids. He has told me, every time she has called or texted since and what it entails...I just know I am frustrated!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Thu, 09-01-2011 - 3:03pm

If there is no inappropriate (Sexual/romantic) contact between them, then the ball is in your court. You have two choices.

1) Accept that they have a good friendship and always will

2) Leave the relationship

Let's see what kinds of changes he makes and whether or not it is ok with you. I hope he can tone their friendship down but it is very difficult to suddenly distance yourself from someone you consider a best friend. If he doesn't come through for you, you will have a choice to make. Good luck!

Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
Thu, 09-01-2011 - 3:46pm
How does her partner feel about her relationship with her ex-husband? Is her partner okay with it or do they have the same problems you and your boyfriend have? Because that should help you gage whether your expectations are unreasonable or not. From what you've said, I don't think you are being unreasonable - while it's great that they can remain friends (it's probably very easy on the kids), there does need to be boundaries in friendships between men and woman and it sounds like they were crossing boundaries that most people would not be comfortable with. Has he outlined the new boundaries he's setting with HER too so that she understands where the boundaries are and can respect them?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 09-01-2011 - 4:43pm

I wouldn't go so far as to say they can't discuss anything except their kids--would you get upset if they were discussing a movie or some current events?

Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001
Fri, 09-02-2011 - 2:10am

Welcome to the board, Gal-butterfly44 ~

I'm not able to make a judgment on an "inappropriate comment" without knowing what the inappropriate comment was.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 09-02-2011 - 2:14am

Agree with undercovercrab about stating what your boundaries are and leaving it up him to respect them or not.

Be prepare to walk if he keeps it up which I suspect he will.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2000
Fri, 09-02-2011 - 8:25am

And who knows?

Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001
Tue, 09-06-2011 - 1:31am

Boy, I sure wouldn't walk as a method to hopefully get him to see the light and make a decision.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_

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