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| Thu, 07-06-2006 - 3:42pm |
I love my bf dearly. He is a sweet, funny, thoughtful, wonderful man. I have problems with a few things in out relationship though. Number one would be his ex-wife. Certain things just bug the heck out of me. He has custody of his 2 daughters, they live with us. He will change our plans to suit her! If she decides she wants the girls he will take them to her and go pick them up. However if it were the other way around she would never go out of her way! They were married for 13 years, his family reunion has been the same day EVERY year. She planned her vacation for that week. Not a huge deal, when you can get the time off work sometimes you have to take it. However, they were planning on leaving Friday night, unless her bf'd sister had to work, they were waiting on her and not leaving until sat night. The reunion was Sat afternoon. They could wait on his sister but not for the girls to see their family they only see once a year. The girls were crushed. He of course said nothing. Then their aunt made plans to take the girls away for the weekend, it ended up being the same weekend of her work picnic, he made his sister reschedule for her.
When I first moved in with him, we were cleaning out stuff, and I found a letter, and a journal. It was poems and letters written to her (they were dated a couple years ago). Saying how he hopes someday she realizes they were meant to be, how he still loves her, he always will. I know he did not want the divorce at all. He took her back twice after she left. This made me very uneasy, I finally brought it up to him, and he threw it away. I never asked him to, and told him that if he wanted to keep it that was fine but it needed to be packed away. He says he hates her, which to me the opposite of love isn't hate it is indifference, yet if she gets on the phone will talk to her about stupid stuff that in my opinion does not need to be discussed. The other day his girls were with her, they called my phone, talked to him. She got on the phone and he talked to her for 15 mins on my phone about her car, and what they bought on vacation.
She disrespects me. Not in what she says but what she does. She will come into the house when I am not there, yet when I am there will send one of the girls in to get their dad because "she needs to talk to him". When we go pick them up she has one of the girls have him get out of the truck and they will stand 2 ft from the truck, just like because I am sitting there she won't walk over. She tells the girls she thinks they like me better, in my opinion to guilt them into not liking me, because it is "hurting her feelings". She called him the other day while we were on our way to drop the girls off with her, she calls and asked him to stop and pick her up something at the store! We were already passed the store so he didn't but I am sure he would have. We gave her beds for the girls. We had to store them for her, and then he took them up to her as well. The she called and asked if he had sheets, he said YES and gave them to her. I was going to take the girls to her one day, on OUR time because she wanted them, I told the girls to ask her to meet me in the middle, she said she didn't know where the town was I was talking about, the biggest town in this area where EVERYTHING is. Yet later that night, knew where it was when my bf asked when they were and the girls asked there mom and she said on the other side of the town that 2 hours earlier, she didn't know how to get to. Once again nothing was said. He said he was going to say something, but never did.
Does he not see this? Or is he holding on to the past? I haven't talked to him about this, but I don't know how to. I have never been a jealous person, but I guess this is what jealousy feels like, and I don't like it. Should I be jealous? Should I let this go? Should I tell him it is bothering me? I love this man so much, and want it to work, I just don't know how to talk to him about with out sounding like a crazy teenager who thinks some other girls is getting to much attention. How do I talk to him about this?

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When you get involved with a man like this, you get the whole package -- which includes the ex-wife and his daughters.
Well, I agree with being amicable for the sake of the kids...but there's a difference between being friendly and accommodating, and being a doormat and it seems to me your DH is crossing it frequently.
Does she not even acknowledge you when you are sitting right there when you go pick them up? That would be unacceptable to me if any SO of mine were to allow that...but perhaps I'm misreading your post.
But it's up to him to set appropriate boundaries. If he's not willing to, nothing you say is going to change that. Your choice is to accept things as they are, or end the relationship.
Sheri
If I were you, I would first separate these two issues: your problem with your bf and your problem with his ex-wife.
A couple of comments and a couple of questions.
I agree with you that the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference, hate shows strong feelings. When you found his journal and letters, you had no right to tell him to put it away. It was his property, is choice to keep it where he wanted it to be. Not liking it is your problem, not his. If it indicates to you that he still has feelings then perhaps you should consider that, along with all the other indicators you have that he does indeed still have feelings for her. You say she has a problem with you and "disrespects you", I say it seems pretty obvious that you have a problem with her too.
How long have you been with your boyfriend? How long have he and his ex-wife been apart?
I'll be checking back for your answers ~
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I have two strong impressions from your post.
(1) A lot of what you bring up sounds like "its not fair" --- this one is easy. Divorce, custody, and co-parenting are not fair, not clean, and rarely balck and white. You need to give up on worrying about what is fair...this is a lesson that divorced parents with kids learn pretty quickly in the custody and co-parenting activities. One parent (usually w/Custody) very often does more (if not much more or almost everything) regards to parenting and the only score that matters in the end is the well being of the kids. The comments by Firstammendment about providing for your child are right on.
(2) Boundaries are important and you teach people how to treat you. I have stopped to pick up school supplies for a project while I was already out (she had the kids and they were in the middle of the project). That said I do not tolerate disrespect, do not do her favors/extras that are not related to the children, and I do not allow her to upset my immediate family's plans/dynamics (the aunt issue I probably would have done the same thing on though). It sounds like your DH may need to be vigilante to prevent squishy boundaries that allow the X to upset you, the girls and your immediate family dynamic....for example keeping the chit chat with X to a minimum while he is with you --- because this sends a bad message to you about your relationship.
Best Wishes, P.
curls0604,
I agree with alot of what has already been said to you, but I still wanted to add my two cents. Let me first start off by saying I know exactly how you feel...well partly. Dealing with my DH's ex over their daughter has been he!! at best. There are a few differences though that I noticed with your situation.
While I agree that being a doormat is not a good way to go, it sounds to me like your BF is more trying to keep the peace for his daughters sakes more then anything. Unfortunately because you are a girlfriend (and I don't mean to offend you with this) your feelings are going to take a back seat to what is best for them. I know mine did until DH and I got married. So if he is wanting to change plans and talk to her for the sake of them, you're just going to have to bend with him.
To be honest I don't feel the not coming into the house or standing away from the truck really isn't that disrespectful. I did it when DH and I were dating and the reason was because I was a girlfriend, not a stepparent. There was no reason for me to be involved in what they were talking about if it was about their child. Now however since I am her stepmother I am involved.
As for the comments she makes, for me I never made it a point to ask my step daughter if her mother was saying anything and if she ever would have offered the information I would have stopped her. The kids should never be in the middle of you and her talking about one another and if she's not mature enough to stop it then you need to.
I really think that the bed and store issues are other examples of your BF just being there and making sure his daughter's have things and has nothing to do with her. I sympathize with you as I have been where you are and it's not fun. Basically you either deal with it or you don't. I never made my opinion's heard until we were married, but that was me, I didn't think I had the right to until I was his wife and a stepparent.
Best of luck,
Defleppardgal
Defleppardgal
You do have rights in this relationship. Number one... you have the right to establish your own boundaries. If there is something that is going on between you and your boyfriend that you are uncomfortable with, you have the responsibility to speak up and address it.
What you DON'T have the power to do is dictate what your boyfriend's ex-wife says or does, or even how your boyfriend interacts with her. They are parents of two young children. So like it or not, she will be a presence in his life for a long time, if not forever. They will maintain the kind of relationships with each other that work for them, appropriate or not. And his ex wife will be a presence in YOUR life as long as you are living with or intimately involved with your boyfriend.
But your position would become a bit stronger if you were married to him, and stronger still if you have children yourself.
Let me give you an example from my own previous marriage to a man with kids. When I met my ex husband his children were quite young, about 7 and 9 years old. His ex wife had full, legal custody, but they had a very relaxed visitation agreement where my husband got the children whenever he wanted them. His ex wife was polite enough toward me... she wasn't outwardly unpleasant. There were times, however, when she spoke disrespectfully to my husband (who was only my boyfriend at the time.) That was hard for me to stand by and watch, but I stayed out of it. It wasn't my place to say anything to her or interfere in their relationship in any way.
My main problem was that ex wife was VERY close to my boyfriend's parents, so she was constantly around. My soon-to-be-in-laws made her feel welcome YEARS after she was divorced from their son, because they didn't want to risk being cut off from their grandchildren. That meant she was welcome to come in and out his parent's house freely and basically assumed her old position as "second lady" of the family when she was around. I remember one occasion when she came over to his parent's house for a family event and began cooking the meal... while I was there in the house!
This situation didn't change until I married my boyfriend. Once I was the wife, the ex wife stopped popping in the grandparent's house, unannounced... and she never cooked in their kitchen again. Unfortunately, my mother-in-law died less than a year after our marriage (my husband's father had died before we were married.) So I never got to experience the same status and privileges of being the daughter-in-law that the ex-wife did. I never had children, myself. And even though I was now officially a stepmom, my stepsons were torn, at times. Because they honestly loved me as a person, but they were afraid to show how much when their mother was around. She was capable of becoming jealous and she showed it by making her sons feel guilty and uncomfortable.
Anyway, I shared all that to illustrate that being the girlfriend and second wife is often a prickly position to be in. You have to weigh how much you love your boyfriend and his children, and whether going through the inevitable trials are worth your time and effort. Is there is enough room and love in this family's heart to make YOU feel comfortable, needed and welcome?
Hopefully, you are able to talk openly with your boyfriend about things so that situations get resolved and so your own feelings don't take a backseat in your relationship.
Good luck, and I hope I helped a bit.
What Jilly said is exactly right, but be aware that when you marry someone, you should always do so not expecting anything at all to change. If you marry assuming the relationship between your boyfriend and his ex will change, you'll very likely be quite disappointed by finding that nothing at all changes. If the situation isn't something you're able to happily and easily accept it's not a relationship you should accept.
I know plenty of people who continue to be friends with their ex's and their ex's families -- including continuing to be invited to family functions, despite remarriage. Marriages come and go, but friendships continue.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Jennie~ Many things that you said really made sense. I do need to separate the two issues, he can't make her change. You are right he is trying to make the best situation possible for his girls. That is his job as a parent and one of the things I love about him. He is a wonderful father.
Him having him switch his sisters vac with the girls for her bothered me because all he talked about was how angry he was that she kept them from going to his family reunion yet he made it so they could go with her, I know sounds petty now that I say. None of my business and he did do the right thing. If he wouldn't have had her change it the girls would have missed out not her.
You asked "How long have they been divorced? 3 years, however she came back for awhile and the last time she left was about 1 and a half ago. Has he had any counseling to help get over the divorce? I'm not sure, I would assume from the journal he kept, yes. Did he date anyone else seriously between his divorce and dating you? No"
I truly do know that he loves me. I just have never had to deal with the presence of an ex before unless it was a friend, and then their relationship was right there for me to see, so it makes me uneasy but I need to give a little when it comes to that. It is going to take sometime for me to get use to. Also, I don't mind that she wants to talk to him about their daughters alone without me around, what bothers me is that she will not even walk over and say "Hey, I need to talk to you." If I am anywhere around. However, neither of us can change her.
You said I need to not demand that he changes, I agree, but like you said I do need to give him the information to help improve the relationship. I have a big problem opening up, I know I do, it is my issue, not his. If he doesn't know it is bothering me he can't fix it though.
You ask why he has custody, she is not a wonderful person. I don't want to say I know these things to be true, but just with the things I have seen I would imagine most of them are. She is self absorbed. He asked for custody, she told him "If you catch me up on my bills and pay my car off you can have them." She will have new cloths on all the time yet can't buy medication or even food for the girls. When they are up there, we send food with them. I don't at all have a problem with him providing for the girls even when they are at their moms. My issue with the beds, was she was suppose to come and get them with her bf or we were going to drop them off the day we picked them because we were 2 minutes from her house. She decided she would come get them so we stored them for 2 weeks longer then agreed and then ended up taking them to her.
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