Not sure you all can help....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Not sure you all can help....
25
Wed, 09-21-2005 - 2:00am

I guess part of me needs to just talk and I don't know who to talk to. So I thought I'd try you all.

I am a very religious person. DH and I met at a religious school. We belong to the same faith. We agreed that our faith was our lifestyle and central to who we were and to what our family would be.

Now fast forward to this weekend. We had an issue come up Sunday and I asked DH a question and "stumbled" across the real answer. Nothing catastrophic, but something that we both had agreed on to do wasn't getting done, even though he kept misleading me into thinking it was taken care of. This upset me very much because when we agree on something, especially something that deals with our faith, it isn't a "voluntary" thing that you just do when you feel the urge or it's easy. You do it, period.

So I was having problems with it and not sure how to deal with it all. Basically DH told me that this was the way it was going to be now, no discussions, and if I tried to do it on my own behind his back, we would have major problems. (I don't take kindly to being talked to like that but I did really well and didn't go ballistic.)

Monday he comes home from work and I asked him another question, trying to figure out why he didn't feel X was important. And that's when he lays the load on me. Seems he's decided that our religion is a good religion but he doesn't have to live it's tenets. Just the ones he wants to. When he wants to. (Keep in mind that this is my LIFE, one that we shared together.) He doesn't believe in XYZ, very specific tenets to our religion. But he wants to just continue to float along anyway. I have a problem with this. One, it's more than just a religion, it's been our way of life. This permeates everything I do and guides mem literally, in everything I do. Two, I would rather him find something he believe in and can live with conviction then just stay where he's at cause it's easier. Plus, it sucks as an example of what type of person to be for the kids. Three, he wants me to believe the way he does (though he understands that he doesn't get to push these ideas on the kids unless I were to change my mind.) Four, this suddenly changes our whole marriage dynamic. Something near and dear to me that I shared with DH is gone. And he doesn't understand why this would be a problem. I told him that our religion is the glue that holds my life together, and while I can still share pieces of my life with him, I can't share one of the biggest and dearest parts cause he just doesn't "get it" anymore. And he really doesn't.

I could tell that there was something bugging him for awhile. And I don't necessarily think this is the something, I think this is what he's doing to cope with the something. But I don't know how to cope with this. I don't know how to relate. For 10 years we've had this shared thing and in 24 hours he's taken it away. And he didn't even bother to talk to me about it until now.

I'm not a hard-nosed. (Well, not really, though it might sound like it.) There is room in my world for questioning and doubt and searching out answers. he knows this. (He went ballistic once, right after we got married, when I asked a question that smacked of questioning to him.) I like knowledge, I like learning. I'm not a you can't question and still love God kind of person. But he didn't bring anything up til he had made his choice. I didn't get to help or have any input, and I'm sorry, but this affects me.

Add on top that I have problems with my pg (I have less than a month left) and one of my problems is hypertension. Which is why I disappeared in August, I was on bedrest because it wasn't being controlled well. And add all this stress and I'm not handling things well. Plus I'm uber-hormonal. And I feel like my world has been turned upside down and I don't know how to handle all this.

How do I create a good marriage when I've already been married for 9 years and the playing field just suddenly and drastically changed into something I would have avoided like the plague? How do I connect when a fundamental part of who I am can't be shared now? How to I accept him and what he believes without condoning it? I'm not one who can compromise on my beliefs, I can't say, okay, this commandment isn't important so it's okay not to keep it. How do I handle all this with my kids?

Jen

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-28-2005 - 12:14am

Jen, that sounds good. He's not set in stone, and that's a good thing. Since he's thinking, tossing things back and forth and there's every likelihood that he won't stay right where he is. What path he'll take is anybody's guess, but as long as he's willing to listen and is contemplating things, he's open and that's a good thing.


Thanks for letting us know, I've been wondering about you, whether you'd had the meeting, how it went, etc., and phew! I was hoping the reason you hadn't posted wasn't because you were too upset to. Take care of yourself and keep as calm and relaxed as you can. A very pregnant you with hypertension problems does not need this added stress.







~ cl-2nd_life

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but you can control the width and depth."

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 09-28-2005 - 9:34am

<>

You can say that again! I've asked DH several times why he couldn't have brought this up earlier or later. Why NOW? Not that I'm angry... just because it's sent my bp absolutely everywhere here this past week or so. And so you know, end of next week and the next week I won't be around much if at all. Booger butt is breech so they have me scheduled for a section the end of next week.

My dad is coming that weekend and DH is nervous, LOL. He deserves to be, ;). Though my dad is one of those people who wouldn't treat him differently at all and DH knows that. But my dad is the "better" father figure in DH's life, and he also is 6'4". I know it will go just fine though. Still, it's amusing to see DH nervous to be near my dad after he's known him for 10 years.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-29-2005 - 12:41am

What's his explanation for bringing this out now? I would guess that he held it as long as he could, that he just got to the point that he couldn't hold it in anymore. But of course, I don't know him. It sounds like this hasn't been easy for him either, or has it?


Life would definitely be easier if the changes people made were pre-agreed on and only those that we wanted. It doesn't work that way though. Like my therapist says, "Darn people who won't do what you want them to. It would be so much easier if they'd just do what we want." Unfortunately, when I most need to hear that is when I least want to hear it. Personally, I can gauge how controlling I'm trying to be by the depth of my desire to say "Yeah but..." to her statement. If I'm not able to see it as a control issue, if I think she's totally not getting the real real issue, control is exactly what it is. I've learned that by the number of times I've been able to recognize it as control only after it's no longer a burning issue for me.


He's turning your world upside down; being upset and angry and feeling betrayed are normal and understandable reactions, I think. I'd be surprised if you didn't feel them, especially when he's challenging what you've believed in together and based your marriage on. As you know, it's hard to respond when the real issue isn't known, so I may be off base and I know that. But it seems like this is something you just have to take one day at a time, for right now anyway. You can't change how he thinks or what he now wants and you don't know that he's not going to change his mind tomorrow, so getting yourself all bound up about this isn't necessary and isn't' helpful right now. Easier said than done, I know. It doesn't seem to be an issue that warrants a decision as to whether to pack up and leave with the kids tonight or not (please know I'm not trying to minimize it's importance), but he's not putting you or the kids in imminent danger, so riding this out for a bit should be do-able, even if some details and changes have to be worked out. Keep as relaxed and calm as you can, you can't change how he thinks and you probably can't influence his decision much either, if that were true, he wouldn't have arrived where is is now. The only person you can control is you, and the control you need to be focusing on is calm, peace and relax.


Huge hugs Jen, I hope your dad is a good buffer for you.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown










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"Ignoring the facts
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-29-2005 - 12:46am

Quick thought -- have you considered posting your problem on the Interracial and Interfaith Relationships board?







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown










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"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 09-29-2005 - 11:22am

<>

~~I asked him a point blank question about something remotely related and he answered it truthfully. So I thought about it and trying to make a point the next day, asked him a related question that blew the sucker wide open. So basically, he hadn't planned on bringing this up now but my question was one that he either had to lie or answer truthfully, or avoid. He's not usually a liar, he'd rather avoid the issue. (He actually sucks at lying, it's kinda funny.) So when he answered the question I asked tons of follow-ups which is how it all happened.

It reminds me of a fight I had with my mom many years ago. I finally just SAID what I had been thinking and feeling for years. I kow it hurt her feelings but it was so cathartic for me. It's when I could finally put those issues behind me and move on and change my relationship with my mom. Not that any of those issues got resolved, but they finally weren't all bottled up. DH feels that way right now. He's been very different since this all came out. Not that there has been time to "resolve" anything yet, but the weight of this is finally off of him. I actually like who he is right now, today, whereas this past year or two I have struggled a lot. I hope it's a permanent change. It would make it easier to deal with things if he does decide to change his beliefs, etc, though there would still be a struggle there. But at least I'd like him and want to work at it more, KWIM? Not that I don't love him. But you can love a person and not like them too much.

<<"Darn people who won't do what you want them to. It would be so much easier if they'd just do what we want.">>

~~ROFL! That is too funny. My dad is all the time telling me that I can only control myself and can only change myself. It's a lesson that's finally started sinking in the last year. While I want certain changes, I can't make them happen. I do understand that. My issue has been that he wouldn't make any changes and since I've told him how bad things were getting (I'm not one to suffer in silence, LOL) and he hasn't TRIED then I saw it as 1)he didn't take me seriously/believe me, 2)he's confindent I won't leave no matter what, 3)he doesn't care enough to change (which would feel like I was very important to him), 4)he doesn't care if I left. Now I think he's just been so wrapped up in himself that he couldn't focus on anyone else. Not that that is good either. But I'm hoping with this weight off of him he can MAINTAIN a focus change and serious good changes for our marriage can happen. BUT, as you've stated, I've got to take it one day at a time. It's going to take MONTHS to see that this isn't just another one of his temporary changes that is only surface. Last Dec he was in a BAD mood all the time and it was wearing on me and the kids. He managed to stop being such a booger for about 6-8 weeks and then slipped right back into it. So, I need to wait and see if this lasts or not. And he isn't DOING anything that would warrant me deciding today what to do.

It still is a serious issue, but he's also agreed to spend the next 6 months trying to figure out what it is he REALLY believes (he is very confused and is having a hard time articulating things). He has agreed to meet with our clergy and study with me, and discuss his different issues. We've already had a couple of discussions that went fairly well. He felt good about them and I didn't go off the handle. And he is keeping to it right now. He even suggests studying together in the evenings before I do right now. And I've promised not to even think about leaving or anything until we are through the 6 months. And it isn't a requirement to come out at the end of the 6 months and totally agree with me again. But it gives me time to work through things and preg hormones, and gives him a time where he can TALK about things safely.

I was angry some last week. Not too bad cause I was in denial too. But I see that he's working on things and I can't be angry for him being confused. I can be angry is he says this is how I now believe and you just have to deal with it all. And that isn't because he changed how he believed (totally) but because it felt like he was dropping this HUGE atom bomb on me with NO warning anything was coming. And while I can't control that either, it can still annoy me. But I feel he's backpedalled some (whether to take some pressure off or because once he started talking he didn't feel quite the same way) and I'm not going to jump ship because he MAY decide to go kooky on me. ;) Now, if he goes kooky, I'll have to decide that then.

So, that is where I am at now. I am AMAZED at how calm I have been. But I think I don't feel like it's something he's DOING to ME. And that makes it easier to see through to.

My dad is a great buffer. He's been my best friend since I was 12. I've always been able to discuss anything and everything with him. And he's a great man who tries to get me to better myself and stop trying to change others. He also won't give me solutions or tell me what I should do about a certain thing, but helps me feel out a path of my own. I appreciate that.

Jen

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