Not yet Engaged.still!?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2011
Not yet Engaged.still!?
22
Fri, 06-24-2011 - 9:39pm

I’m sorry. This is a vent. Any comments or advice are welcome.

Next year is our 3 year anniversary of our relationship. Inside I am really having a hard time feeling remotely happy about it. I’ve been dealing with anger toward him for a few weeks because I really EXPECTED the proposal about this time. I’ve been impatient or anxious before, but since I knew going into the relationship it would be a long one pre-marriage, and since he has made it 100% clear that he is desiring and committed to marrying me as soon as he can …well, I guess I felt any impatience was just something to be overcome on my part. We’ve never talked dates or set a goal, but I had “in mind” it would probably get engaged this year and get married next. That’s four years total and that seemed an eternity at the beginning. We’re both very decided and I have no doubts that he plans to marry me. But when?!

He has specific financial independence goals he wants to reach before getting married. I know that but I don’t know what they are and I don’t know if he’s getting any closer to reaching them. He just never talks about it. He talks about getting married, about wishing it were now…but he talks about it in the distant future like he always has! It’s like he’s never had a “NOW” moment. He’s younger than me, just turned 25….and he knows I want to be engaged a year (wedding will be in my home country, not where I live) and I want to get married before 30 (no good reason for that) and I’m about to turn 28 and I don’t know if I can stand another year of where we are…I feel like we’re ready in every way EXCEPT his financial goals and that he needs to establish a specific time goal and make it happen.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2009
Sat, 06-25-2011 - 1:43am

If you cant talk to a guy without biting your tongue, well, IMO, its not a relationship to be in. One should be able to talk freely , w/o inhibtions to a guy who is a bf and probably a future husband about something that is important.

Assuming you get married , there will be thousands of issues and are you going to hold on / bite your tongue on hundreds of things just because _____ ?

Are you living together ? For how long ?

As for people, I wonder why you are giving the fasle picture? Be true. Because by giving false outlook, you are closing yourself to the right advice. Family and friends can see w/o you covering up anywho.

Also do know, that you cant force him to marry you.If he doesnt want , you will still be in the same place as you are , after another 3 years.Take charge of your life and make a decision for yourself. I figure you want a baby and lemme tell you, you still have a couple of years to conceive easily and a healthy baby.After 34 -35, you still can, not saying you cant but it will be difficult and chances get limited .If you dont want kids, oh well, you can ignore this advice.

All in all, if you cant talk to him about something so important, you have a bigger issue on hand than an engagement / marriage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Sat, 06-25-2011 - 2:10am

Hi lili, there's a couple of things going on here.

I'm quite a bit older than you, but work with a

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 06-25-2011 - 2:12am

If you want to marry him within one year then tell him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 06-25-2011 - 9:35am

I think the problem is that he has these goals that you have no idea about.

Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001
Sat, 06-25-2011 - 12:05pm

A belated welcome to the board, Lili98765 ~

You've gotten a lot of great responses to your post.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2011
Sat, 06-25-2011 - 7:16pm

If you think I’m crazy for being anxious after just 3 years..well, you’d REALLY think I was crazy if you knew I work two jobs and am finishing a doctoral dissertation for my PhD this summer. Like I have time to plan a wedding or need any change in my life right now!!

I appreciate y’alls “talking down” and the reminders about what really matters. I’ve found “the one” and we love eachother and are committed to eachother forever. That’s an amazing thing. I talk about not knowing how much longer I can wait BUT I know I would wait forever because it’s him. And we have a great relationship and want the same things for the future...including marriage and kids.

Part of what makes a relatively “short” time longer is that we went into the relationship with the purpose deciding if we would eventually get married, and honestly I’ve known for three years he IS the one (we were friends for many years pre-dating). So it’s not like it’s been a 3 year slow relationship. It’s been emotionally like a marriage where we live apart for a couple years now. No, we don't live together. Yes, he has made it VERY clear he wants us to get married and have children. He's not there yet though, apparently.

We have had “talks” to lay things out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 06-25-2011 - 8:25pm

I don't want to belabor the same points, but I remember that when my exH & I went to the pre-marriage counseling in the church, there was one night that focused on finance--we had to tell each other what we made (if we didn't already know) and answer (to each other, not the group) questions about money, like what it was important to spend money on, did we have any debts, etc.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2009
Sat, 06-25-2011 - 9:35pm
I've had some younger friends in this situation, and I'll repeat my advice to them here: remember that who he is now, he will probably always be. He isn't a planner. Are you okay being the one who pushes your family forward for the rest of your life? When it's time to talk about kids, will you be having this same feeling of it constantly being put off for reasons you don't quite understand? What about when you need to make a major move or decide what to do about your aging parents?

I'm not saying you should break up with him. No one is perfect, and we all deal with some difficult tendencies in a partner better than others. I'm just asking whether this one is something you can accept gracefully for the rest of your life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2007
Sun, 06-26-2011 - 9:09am

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2002
Sun, 06-26-2011 - 1:26pm

To the OP.

I see 2 big red flags.

You mention your boyfriend has financial goals he wants to acheive before getting married.

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