Nothing on Val. Day? Make it a Big Deal?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Nothing on Val. Day? Make it a Big Deal?
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Tue, 02-15-2005 - 12:56pm

Just taking a poll here...trying to see if I am over reacting or not....

I got nothing for Valentine's Day. No card, nothing more than a "Happy Valentine's Day" from my husband around 10am when he called me at work. I got him a small gift, a card with a short note in it and cards from the kids (each picked their own out themselves).

I'm upset. :-(

I have ALWAYS been a big gift person, I love the fun and thought that goes into choosing a great gift for people, and my husband was that way when we met too. However, over the last 10 years, he has not gotten me anything for my birthday or Valentine's Day more years than not. He says he doesn't understand spending the money, but I have told him those things matter to me...he doesn't hear me I guess.

It upsets me, and I didn't even WANT a GIFT yesterday ( I know better than to expect that), but a simple card would have done. And the thing that KILLS me is that he was off work all day long and still didn't take the time to go get me a card. He left for a seminar out of town for work last night around 4, and when I got home I looked everywhere he could have left a card, nothing.

Am I being a baby?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 02-15-2005 - 1:09pm

No, you are not being a baby. What you are doing is expecting him to hear you when you aren't hearing him. The two of you aren't on the same page and you won't get there unless you start listening to each other.

He doesn't want to spend the money, but you don't want some expensive gift. You need to tell him you understand that he doesn't want to spend the money, but if he does spend the money, even on something small like a card, what that does is tell you that he cares, that he's thinking of you, and that spending the $2.00 on the card would mean a lot to you, it's not a waste of money it's not going to waste, it's bringing joy to your heart and making you feel more connected to him. Tell him when he doesn't think to get you something on a special day, that makes you feel less connected, less important to him and that although you know he does care for you, you don't know why he feels you are not worth a $2.00 card or a $15.00 bouquet of flowers.

Since he has not gone the extra mile very often in 10 years, it's hard to expect him to know. By expecting him to get you something when you know he won't, you are setting yourself up for hurt and disappointment. The message you are not hearing from him is that he doesn't feel buying you a card or a gift says anything other than you have less money than you did the day before. He expects you to know he loves you and cares for you in other ways, perhaps things he does for the family or listening to you when you've had a bad day, and he shouldn't have to throw away money to prove anything.

You have assigned meaning to something he thinks is meaningless (a valentine's card). What he wants is for you to not feel hurt that he doesn't buy a card, and recognize he loves you every day, not just on valentine's day or your birthday. What you want is for him to fork over a few dollars for no other reasons than it makes you feel special. The question is whether you can compromise (not just build resentment because he won't do it and you keep expecting him to). Can he convince you he loves you without buying you cards on special occasions? Can you recongize that those gestures do not mean anything about what he thinks of you or how he feels about you? Only the two of you can decide.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-15-2005 - 1:26pm

I don't think you're being a baby. It's clear that you're the type of person who likes getting gifts, cards, etc. Some don't care one way or the other and some prefer not to get anything, you're not in those groups. There's nothing wrong with that, you like what you like. I'm pretty sure you know this, but I'll say it anyway. You said you love picking out gifts, etc., that's great, but you can't expect that your husband will want to or like to just because you do.




Personally, I would think he could/would make the effort knowing how you feel, assuming you've been clear about what you'd like him to do. If you haven't, I'd suggest you talk to him about it. I suspect too though, that if you've been married for ten years you pretty much know what to expect by now. Over the years, there have been plenty of posts about this very issue. If it's something that means a lot to you, it's not easy to feel slighted holiday after holiday. My ex-husband wasn't a gift-giver at all, even at Christmas and my birthday, even though he always received gifts from me. What I ended up doing was buying my own gifts, wrapping them and (at Christmas) putting them under the tree labeled "From: Me, To: Me". Believe it or not, I grew to like doing that quite a bit. I always got what I wanted, and you should have seen the confused look on his face when the gifts appeared! I'd originally done it thinking he'd "get it", but he didn't so I continued. And honestly, mostly in life I've found that in order to get what I really want, I need to get it myself.




An aspect that's often overlooked is that men show their love differently than women. Years ago I read a post written by Gogobear on the Understanding the Opposite Sex board. I thought his post was incredibly good and added it to the Information and Resources section of this board. It's Men, Women and their expressions of love and I think you'll find it worth the read.




I do understand, you want your husband to give you a card (a small gift would be nice too) without having to tell him you want him to do it. Since you know that's not going to happen, you need to tell him what you want or continue to expect to be disappointed. It's not how you'd like it to come about, but it's that or nothing.

~ cl-2nd_life


"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Avatar for lucy4980
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-15-2005 - 3:37pm
I think your advice is right on the mark. I was going to say much the same thing, but you have saved me the trouble of typing it all out :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2004
Tue, 02-15-2005 - 9:44pm
I usually am not one to recommend books. I read ALOT and if I did, I'd end up spending all of my time on the board suggesting books. In this case, I think it might be appropriate. It's a very good book and as a matter of fact, it's been recommended by another poster very recently. Here's the problem - I can't remember the exact title of the book. I loaned it out to a friend and haven't gotten it back yet. It's called (I think) "The Five Love Languages". I'm sure someone will recognize it and can clarify it. Here's the deal though. I was seeing a man about two years ago. It was getting serious...but there were some issues about one another we just didn't "get". He was big on gift giving and I wasn't big on "receiving" those gifts. I like to memorialize things and I happen to be one who likes to give gifts....but I'm not big on getting them. It made no sense to me and as I'm typing this, I'm not sure it's making sense to anyone else either. But here's the thing: I would much rather someone show me he cares by filling my car up with gas, or hanging that light fixture in the living room. THAT speaks volumes to me. Maybe because I've spent so much of my adult life doing those things myself. I'm with 2nd Life - I usually can get it done right myself...but to have a man show me he loves me by taking that burden off of me goes so much further than him guessing what size bra I wear and sweating it out in Victoria's Secret. I don't fake sincerity very well. I guess I never mastered that art!! ha!! But, to get in my car, look at the gas gauge and realize I don't have to stop and fill up in the sweltering heat is enough to make my entire day! And my excitement (my SINCERE excitement) shows. I'm quicker to grab my cell and call him and say, "You are SO my hero!" and mean it! But to open a gift and find out he's bought a bra that would fit my Maw Maw Nellie (God love her...but she never, EVER had to question the need for implants. Know what I mean?) and then have to "ooooh" and "aaahhh" over it is just SO exhausting. I've said all that to say this: Maybe he just assumes that your "love language" is the same as his. To anyone who hasn't read the book, it sounds crazy, but it was a truly enlightening read for me. So, yes, I'm with the posters before me....maybe it just hasn't occured to him how important it is to you because maybe it just doesn't have the same meaning for him. I'm in no way suggesting he doesn't appreciate the ways you memorialize it, but maybe it's just one of those things that's right in front of his face and he doesn't see it. Quick story here: my ex-husband (in one of his only "brilliant" moments in our marriage) opted to write me a letter on stationary one year for Valentine's. No card....just some pretty paper he'd found at the store. His own words, his own handwriting and his own effort at putting it together. It was filled with grammatical errors and it was cheesy and it was absolutely the most prized possession I've ever had from a man. Honestly, I can't tell you what I got for my anniversary or my birthday or any other holiday (unless you count the tree stand he so proudly presented to me in front of MY family that one Christmas...do the math. He hunts. I don't hunt. It's still providing humor every year at Christmas around the family Christmas tree! AND he got that tree stand in the divorce....I opted to shove it up his...well, you know...but thought better of it. There were witnesses, after all.) But that sweet letter? I still have it. I still cherish it. And it's among the very few "material" things that I guard closely. The marriage is history and he's a jackass. But it was the shining moment in our marriage that I took away with me. You're ten years into your marriage with him. Odds are, if he hasn't "gotten" it by now, he won't. But that doesn't mean you can't maybe recognize something else he takes pride in doing for you as his own expression. And no...I don't think you're overreacting or being a baby. It's the effort, right? Oh, and 2nd Life? I'm SO loving the "To Me From Me" idea!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-15-2005 - 11:15pm

Lol, Cat5cane ~




I don't do that anymore, but let me tell you "me" got "me" some very nice things! "Me" always seemed to know exactly what I wanted ~ lol! I did learn that if there's something I really want I need to just get it. Throwing hints, hoping the man in your life will figure out what you want will almost always end in disappointment. Go get it while it's there if you want it, that's what I say. My now (and forever) husband is very romantic, remembers our first date (even though I don't) and all the other "major" events. He planned a winter-time carriage ride through the city at night following a fabulous dinner in a roof-top restaurant for our anniversary, a surprise get-away in the mountains complete with hot tub, champagne and strawberries when I was completely stressed out at work (he even arranged for me to get time off work for the trip without my knowing about it), and more. With that, I still pick up "gifts" for myself if I see something that I really want. He doesn't get the hints any better than any of them. Great with his own ideas, but not great with what I try to guide him to!

~ cl-2nd_life


"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Wed, 02-16-2005 - 8:15am

cat5cane--The ironic (if you can call it that) thing about reading your message was that I own and have read that book, at least twice. How did I come to acquire such a book you may ask? My HUSBAND got it for me for Christmas one year. That's right--a gift, guess I can’t say he never got me anything ;-)--I got it from him.

So, you are TOTALLY correct about he and I speaking "different love languages." He's like you, doing daily "chores" things for him, remembering to return a video, taking anything off his plate...that’s what he speaks. I, however, am the TOTAL opposite.

The most interesting thing is that he has flatly refused to read the book. I even suggested that we go thru it, highlight things that really spoke to us or hit home on how we'd each like to be shown affection or love...he thought that was not really a good idea and has still yet to pick it up. It’s funny that he thought it was so important for me to "get" him, but doesn't seem to understand it on the flipside. Ah, well...I guess I will just start getting my own cards and flowers. And I will be labeling them “to me from me.” :-)




Edited 2/16/2005 10:14 am ET ET by sam12005
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 02-16-2005 - 11:18pm

Funny ~ that same book is currently taking up residence on my nightstand. Got mine from the library.




Can I make a suggestion, Sam? Not sure it will be of any help, but it's worth throwing out there. If your husband isn't much of a reader, would he listen to it? I've known people who wanted to read other self help books but didn't have the time to read them who have managed to find them on "Books on Tape" and listen to them while they commute, etc. I don't know if the book's even available that way, but if he'd listen to it, it might work! Our library has a good number of books on tape, yours might too.

~ cl-2nd_life


"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2005
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 1:40pm

Here are some of my pet-peeves about my husband: watching golf or poker. obsessed with football icons or college team from 5 years ago etc. Honestly those things do cause some serious arguments in our marraige. Especially when he chooses to watch a tech game over going to the museums and parks like we had planned all week with our freinds. or staying out until 1am on a monday playing poker. ranting about some star who played for his college team years ago with the guys every time you try and have a nice dinner with the other couples. MEN!


but guess what his wife (me) gets him for valentines day or birthdays or xmas. poker chips and tivo to tape the games, autographed photos and jerseys, tickets to games, etc. even though I HATE it, i encourage and support the things that HE loves. he isnt into v-day either... but he knows i am.


the point of this is... even though one spouse may not be "in to" what the other spouse is into, its their job the make the other happy. first and foremost you need to make yourself happy. but you marry someone to be the support system to that foundation. if he KNOWS you wanted a card, and probabaly thought about it a few times that day, and still didnt get one- he's telling you to change. to change your needs, what you like... by saying "i dont like your needs, therefore i am not going to meet them bc its not 'who I am' bla bla".


well its certainly not ME to go searching for high quality poker chips either. and DH isnt the poet.


in this case, you're into giving gifts and special momentos and cards and sentimental tokens. your husband knows this. his JOB is to support your needs. that doesnt mean a new toothbrush when yours has gone flat and he isnt that dumb either.


i am a writer in my spare time and also write crafty poetry and nursery rhymes etc. i do yoga and pilates and am quiete earthy and open minded. my husband opposite and acutally has teased me alot for that. even though we are quite similar in other areas he's made me feel bad about some of those things or laughed while i meditate, snickered while i am doing a yoga tape, or giggled at my rhymes and said stuff like "were you on an acid trip?".


but on occassions like my birthday or v-day (which he hates) he will actually write a poem inside a card for me. knowing how much i like my fitness and yoga even though he makes fun of me, he bought me a new gym bag things like that. sentiments.


i give him crap for poker. he teases me for meditating. but in the end we understand eachother and meet our needs.


you need to make your husband understand that.

Sara

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 10:14pm

Interesting post. I have to tell you I'm a little puzzled by your post. You start out sounding angry and, to my way of thinking, expecting things you shouldn't expect. I don't think you hate that he's into sports or buys you gifts that are blatantly for him or pokes fun at the things you embrace in life, I think you hate the lack of respect for you he shows when he does those things. Maybe it's just a difference in the way it's spoken, but I don't agree with your statement "if he KNOWS you wanted a card, and probably thought about it a few times that day, and still didn't get one- he's telling you to change. to change your needs, what you like... by saying "i dont like your needs, therefore i am not going to meet them bc its not 'who I am' bla bla"." To me, what you're saying here is that it's not okay for him to tell you to change, but you are asking him to change by expecting him to produce items to please you. You're no more entitled to expect that change -- in this case to make VDay important to him -- than he is to expect you to change. I don't see it as a domination struggle, I see it as two people recognizing each other's differences for what they are and accepting them. I do see that you may feel that you're entitled to him making the extra effort because you do it for him, and yeah, there should be some reciprocation, even though you're freely choosing to go the extra mile for him and in doing it can't do it to expect a reward (him doing something for you) that's an arrangement between two businessmen, not marriage partners, you know "I'll wash your back, you wash mine". But the issue here again, I think is that of respect.




I'm not sure I'm reading your take on marriage correctly, maybe you can set me straight. You said, "..even though one spouse may not be "in to" what the other spouse is into, its their job the make the other happy." I don't agree with that. It's not anyone's job to make anyone else happy, even your spouse. In fact, it's not really possible for you to be responsible for someone else's happiness. It's not your job and not your responsibility. I don't think having that expectation is healthy. But then you go on to say, "first and foremost you need to make yourself happy. but you marry someone to be the support system to that foundation." Are you simply saying that you need to make sure that you're happy and you should marry someone who's of a personality and character that compliments your style, therefore adding to your happiness? I'm not sure because at first read it sounds like you're saying you need to be happy with yourself and you need to marry someone whose job it is to further your happiness. If you're saying the first, I agree, it's important to marry someone who is a good match for your personality and who's actions and beliefs you are in agreement with.




I think to a large degree you have to accept a person as they are; he's not big on Vday, you know that. It sounds like you've had direct conversations on the subject and as a result he's well aware what you'd like and still doesn't do it. It's not likely he's going to change.




It sounds like your husband is a very confusing man, going from buying you gifts that are actually for him, shirking plans he'd made with you for something "better", and tossing out crass comments to your loves and lifestyle (unless you take it as lighthearted joking and I didn't read that into your post) to taking the time to write poetry and giving you gifts that are actually with you in mind.




I'm confused. Your thoughts and comments?

~ cl-2nd_life


"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2005
Fri, 02-18-2005 - 8:14am

i dont think you understood my post, or that i communicated what i was trying to say well.


my POV is this:


Her husband knew she desired affection and some token of his love, especially on valentines day. the fact that he sat around the house and likely let the thought cross his mind and pass a few times ignorantly shows lack of kindness towards her needs. and she had voiced her desires to him and he still ignored her. to me, that IS telling her to change her wants, needs and desires to suit him. he doesnt want to give her what she wants, so by not acting on simple things, he's forcing her into that. in turn, it almost gives him the power bc she feels sad and is in limbo waiting to see if he will turn around and one day tell her or show her how he feels about her, while he doesnt have to lift a finger to do it. she has to decide if she can accept that or not.


the situation with my husband and i is different. i dont think you got my post correctly. he never bought me anything that was for him instead of me. its very normal newlywed stuff for a guy to watch a ballgame or get caught up instead of wanting to go to a museum. off course i was pissed. but give me a married couple who hasnt been through that? a poker game that went pretty late at night, or constant rantings of some football hero while trying to have a nice dinner with couples. i wasnt trying to sound mad at all. and i dont think its lack of respect... i think its just a "Guy Thing" period. he certainly thinks its a "Girl Thing" when i get emotional about stuff or am downstairs doing my yoga or meditating or go shopping, writing poetry etc. typical. surely i get upset but i dont yell or we dont argue. and sometimes he gets agitated that i spend so much time at the gym or writing etc or if i nag him to help me clean. we're married! we're conforming into our new roles in the house and learning to live with eachother.


but we're both happy. yoga makes me happy. football makes him happy. know what i mean. i make myself happy. he makes himself happy. and to eachother, we are the support systems.


so even though he's not a sap or emotional and sensitive guy, and sometimes will mock the whole yoga thing to voice his dislike for it or tease a poem as me being on an "acid trip" bc maybe he's jealous- he knows his place is the support system

Sara

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