Odd issues

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2006
Odd issues
7
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 4:17pm

Hi everyone,

I'm new to this particular board, and I'm actually a bit embarassed about the things I am about to tell you.

I've been married almost three years and in the past six months my husband has gotten steadily more odd about certain things. I guess what I'm looking for is other people's opinions on whether these are things to worry about?

1) There are now certain foods in the house that only he is allowed to eat. He buys this expensive cereal and I'm not allowed to eat it because he says it's "high performance cereal" and if I want to eat cereal I can eat anything else. He claims he needs the high performance cereal because he is a runner, but he actually runs maybe once a week! He only buys the no-name kind of cereal for me. Like, if I want Cheerios, he buys the No name version of them...which are gross, but are cheaper. I should note at this point that finances are not a problem for us.
I'm also not supposed to drink his special pomegranate juice because it's expensive. When he drinks it, he uses a measuring cup. Again, he claims it is a health food and, therefore, worth the expense, but not for my health I guess!

2) He divides our credit card bill down to the cent. If we go to the movies together he actually keeps track of what snack I have and "charges" it back to me at the end of the month to come out of my bank account instead of the joint account. It is bizarre to me. We're married!!

3) He asked his mother to come over to show me the way she makes his favorite foods. I was completely embarassed by this. I didn't even know that's why she was coming, and when she showed up with her crock pot and all these special ingredients, I was all baffled. She was also confused, because she was under the impression I had asked to learn!

Can I have some thoughts on these things? What troubles me the most is that all of these things have only recently started being problematic. The credit card thing was there before, but he was WAY more relaxed about it. If we went out together, he would just charge the whole amount to the joint account.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: sesamesnaps
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 5:16pm

This screams control....The first thing that came to my mind is why is he the only one shopping for the food and if you want cheerios why not just go to the store and buy them.

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: sesamesnaps
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 5:36pm

So do snacks and "HIS" cereal and juice come out of HIS account and not the joint account? Cuz if you have to pay for snacks you buy at the movies (he better not be sharing them or I would be "charging" him...) then he sure as heck had better be paying for the food only *he* can eat.

Unfortunately I'm no more level headed and calm than Di. Personally, this would be a non-negiotable no-no for me. I can cook my way. You don't like it, cook your own damn self. You want your cereal, that's just fine. You buy crap, you figure out what to do with it, I will buy my own food. And I will deduct that amount from the "joint" account.....

There is something very wrong. You said it got worse kinda all the sudden. Was there a job shift, death, birthday, anything you can think of to trigger this?

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
In reply to: sesamesnaps
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 6:23pm

Yes, I agree that this is unacceptable behaviour on his part.

From what you write, it would appear that you go along with his wishes. I'm just wondering what happens when you don't do what he says. What does he do if you eat his cereal or have a cup of juice?

Regarding the money, when was the last time you sat down together and worked out a way of dealing with finances that is acceptable to both of you? Perhaps this needs to be re-visted? Also, what happens if you refuse to reimburse him for your snacks at the end of the month?

The issue with asking his mom to teach you to cook? Wow, I just don't know what to say!

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2006
In reply to: sesamesnaps
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 9:57pm

I agree this just reeks of control. I also venture to guess that this guy's self image is a disaster, masked in seeming self absorbtion, and a condescending attitude toward you --- high performance cereal when he runs once a week --- give me a break, his male friends would laugh at him big time on this.

I am curious what his family of origin looks like relative to his father and mother. I have a sense that MOM got a very subservient role in the family household, Dad used the fact that he made the money as power over her and the kids. Despite this HE probably has a very close relationship with his mother --- did you often think he is a bit of a momma's boy? Just guessing here but not uncommon source of these types of behavior.

I do think these are serious behaviors and I think you need to take a stand to make sure he understands how seriously bad this is making you feel. You teach people how to treat you and if you accept these behaviors that make you feel bad there will never be improvement and in fact I am willing to bet will get progressively worse.

If he loves you and cares for you he should care how you feel and want to find a better existence. If not then the mental issues are more powerful and you have some hard thinking to do about what you want the rest of your life to be like.

Best of luck, P.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: sesamesnaps
Sat, 06-03-2006 - 12:28am

Welcome to the board, Sesamesnaps ~ Please don't feel embarrassed about what you've written.

I agree with everything that's been said and have a few questions.


  • Have you talked to him about buying expensive "health" food for himself but sending the clear message that you're not worth (or deserving of) health food? Exactly how is it that he explains how your body, your health is worth less and of less importance than his? And what does he say when you face him with the fact that running once a week does not make him a "runner" in need of high power food?
  • How is it that he justifies expensive food for him and off brands for you financially? Who pays for his food and who pays for yours?
  • What is his explanation of cutting the credit cards down the middle?
  • What was his explanation when you spoke to him about having his mother come over without so much as speaking to you about it first? Had he even mentioned that he'd like to have some of her recipes? And why wasn't he learning how to cook her meals?
  • How does your household run? Do you work outside your home? Who does the housework, the cooking, etc.? Has that changed since you got married?







  • ~ cl-2nd_life

    "Experience is what you get
    when you don't get what you want."

    ~ Author unknown








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 08-11-2004
    In reply to: sesamesnaps
    Sat, 06-03-2006 - 3:46pm
    Has your husband been to the doctor recently? I'd be demanding a full physical be done, and letting the doctor know what's going on. Does mental illness run in his family, or especially obsessive compulsive disorder? Has he ever been evaluated for that? If this is a sudden change, then the doctor needs to know and he should be evaulated. This isn't at all normal, and it's especially troubling considering it's suddenly escalated so much.
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-26-2003
    In reply to: sesamesnaps
    Sun, 06-04-2006 - 12:03am

    Good call, Kellyann_25.








    ~ cl-2nd_life

    "Experience is what you get
    when you don't get what you want."

    ~ Author unknown








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"