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| Tue, 06-06-2006 - 2:37pm |
soooooo...Where do I begin? lol...So my boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years and we're expecting our first child in September of this year.
We're close but go through MAJOR ups and downs, no little stuff. When we are bad we're terrible and we thinking about getting seperate places and seeing other people..the whole thing
When we're good we're talking about marriage and everything is rosy...
So anyways I guess I'll talk about our most immediate problem...
My insecurities vs. his friendships...
My boyfriend has a friend named Charlotte that he used to study with 2 semesters ago (in a study group, it wasn't just them two). But now he changed Universities and they don't go to the same school or anything. They just met in the class and remained buddies or whatever. So anyways they used to talk on the phone like everyday but not the house phone, his cell phone. And one day I had jury duty and was sent home earlier than he expected and when i got home he was phone with her giving her directions to our house so she could drop off something for him.. But I was SUPER pissed b/c he didn't expect me to be home, so why th F**k was she on her way over to my house?
That was the first thing and I broke up with him over it, b/c I just figured he was leading to cheating on me anyways since I expressed to him many times in the past that I was uncomfortable with his relationship with her. but eventually we talked, made up, and he said he wouldn't call her anymore, but he wouldn't be rude to her if she called and the plan was that eventually she would get the hint and stop calling. I agreed with that reluctantly.
So this is a long story so let me shorten it... Come to find out he doesn't call her but she still calls once in awhile like once a month or so, and once in like January she treated him to lunch (and it's supposed to not be a big deal). I recently looked on the his cell phone call log and there was a call from her at like 10:45pm.. I dunno but I think that is a little too late for a "friend" of the opposite sex to be calling a guy that lives in a committed relationship w/ his pregnant girlfriend, especially since i'm asleep by 10pm. what do you think?
Plus I can't even argue with him on this b/c back before I was pregnant and used to party, I would occaionally hang out with my best friend of the opposite sex that i've known since high school (for the past 10 years or so). But thing is my friend lives in Orange county which is like an hour from my house so when I go to his house and drink I don't feel like turning around and driving back the same night, so I spend the night on his sofa. But that was also a big issue, plus b/c i used to have a thing for him before I met my BF. But just to ease tensions I stopped hanging out over night and drinking there. But compared to his sitaution he just met the chick and I've known my friend for a long long time. Plus why does that girl still call even though my BF doesn't call her anymore? I know I wouldn't call someone that never calls me...
I feel like she is waiting for something to go bad with us so she can be his shoulder to cry on and slowly move her way in. I'm especially threatened by their relationship b/c ours has been sour the last couple of months of an on ever since the break up in December. I don't appreciate the friendship, when I home life isn't good, I think he should be completely focused on fixing us...
Am I just too insecure? Or is this friendship w/ her out of line?
Okay that is super long...sorry...
I hope someone gives me some good advice about our situation, be brutely honest, I'd appreciate it....
Abbie
Edited 6/6/2006 3:36 pm ET by eibbaaliza

OK brutally honest, you asked for it...
For some reason you just do not trust this guy --- have no idea whether that is warranted or not, but I don't see it based on the situations you have described....him talking to her occasionally on the phone and one lunch. You made it clear that the relationship as it was made you uncomfortable and he adjusted by virtually ending a friendship that he appeared to enjoy (he gave that up for your sake), but that does not appear to have changed your feelings at all. Has the guy cheated on you before??? On other past girlfriends that you are aware of??? Are there other women he is having long talks with???.
Checking his cell phone bill is a really dysfunctional relationship behavior --- its called invading his privacy and it is not something you do to someone you love, trust, and care about. You can't marry this guy and then spend the rest of your life running around snooping on him. To have a successful realtionship you need trust, and to trust you need to be willing to take the chance that the other person will abuse your trust and you will get hurt. That may sound unfair, but you can not have trust if you are checking up on him constantly. And yes he has to develop that same trust with you, although if he was OK when you were drinking, and sleeping over at another guy's house that you were hot for then he may already be there (or maybe he doesn't really care).
So decide....do you love him and want this relationship enough to trust him and risk getting hurt or is that too big of a risk, in which case, do yourself, him, and your child a big favor and DO NOT get married.
P.
eibbaaliza,
My butal honest comment is.....I really wish people would get their messed up lives straight BEFORE they bring a child into the situation. It's like kids are just along for the ride and couples don't realize what damamge can be done to them.
Now onto a couple of comments about your posts...
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Wow, what a stable place for a child to be raised. Sorry, but you asked for bluntness.
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Did it ever occur to you that maybe if you were home he still would have had her over because she had to drop something off for him?? Of course he didn't expect you to be home, but that doesn't mean that he's automatically going behind your back on purpose. Now if you would have called him and he didn't mention it and you found out that she was over or were there when she got there then yes your feelings are justified.
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So it's ok for you to do it but not him?? I don't care if you've known this guy for 30 years and he's known this girl for 30 minutes. It's a very selfish stance to take when you play that card. Time means nothing. He can't talk to a girl, but you can sleep overnight on some guys couch?? Ouch! Has he or she ever slept on eachother's couch?? Personally, calling someone is way less harmless.
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That has nothing to do with her. You broke up because of YOUR insecurities and you broke up because of YOUR problems together. She was just an exuse and you are continuing to use it as just that.
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You have a baby coming and do you really think that all of this is worth hashing out day after day??
Best of luck,
Defleppardgal
Defleppardgal
Welcome to the board, Abbie ~
It seems to me that what you're saying is that it was fine for you to have an opposite sex friend, he was supposed to accept it and as far as you were concerned, it was just fine. So why is it so different when he's the one with the opposite sex friend? I don't understand the double standard, I don't get how you can be so upset when it was okay for you to do it. I also think it's fine for her to call him after you've gone to bed since she's calling to talk to him, not you. Now, if it's a matter of the phone waking you up and you don't accept calls in your home after 10, that's another matter, but it sounds like she calls on his cell phone and I'm assuming he was up, so no big deal.
It sounds to me like he was upset about your friend and now you're upset about his. It seems to me that you should be able to learn from each of your experiences, you understand how he feels having this female friend, and him understanding how you felt having your male friend and find some common ground.
As far as opposite sex friends go, no I don't think you need to give them up when you're in a committed relationship, yes, I think it's perfectly acceptable to start new friendships after you've begun a committed relationship and I believe anyone who tries to tell you who you can and cannot have as a friend should be the one to go, not the friend.
What I hear is that you threw a fit and your boyfriend made promises that appeased you but allowed him to continue to see his friend (and probably contact her without you knowing he was the instigator). He said he'd stop contacting her but would not be rude to her by refusing her calls if she called him. In essence, nothing changed, except in your mind. He should have told you he wasn't going to end a friendship simply because you didn't like it. Again here, given the experience and understanding you should have gained from your own opposite sex friendship, having a discussion and coming to an agreement should have been easy.
What I don't hear happening here are the general kinds of respectful acts that keep friendships open. Perhaps they have been made and you just didn't mention them. I'm talking about the basics, meeting the friend, being aware of conversations and meetings between your s/o and the friend, being invited to join them, knowing you're welcome to join them whether you've been extended an invitation or not. Let me clarify that by "being aware of conversations and meetings" I don't mean you're expected to report every convo and every word that was said, but it's not big deal to say, "Hey, I was talking to Sandy today and she said...." or, "Sandy and I are going to lunch tomorrow, want to join us?" Sometimes spur of the moment things happen, it shouldn't be any big deal to say, "I ran into Sandy today and we ended up going to lunch at the Riverside Bistro". Being open, honest and aware of the friend takes away the need for suspicion and respects your partner by making them aware of contact so there isn't reason for suspicion or concern.
None of this applies if your boyfriend has cheated on you in the past or if you have reason to believe he's cheating. It's clear you don't trust him, why? Knowing the reason for your mistrust would be really helpful in making sure you're given a solid answer here.
I'll also add that any relationship that's horrible and good (from break up to marriage talk) should be made stable before you put a child into the middle of it. Your poor child is likely to grow up full of fear and anxiety that mom and dad are going to break up. And at the least he or she will grow up learning this is the right way to have a relationship, this is what his or her relationship will be like when he or she is an adult. Just as importantly, is this the kind of relationship you want for yourself? Wouldn't a little more stability and continuity be a good thing? I'd really urge you to see a couples counselor to work through your issues and learn some better ways of communicating with each other so you can stop dealing in drama and start dealing in strength and continuity. You'll be doing yourselves a favor and you'll be doing absolutely the best thing you can for your child.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I hear what all of you are saying and it does make a lot of sense too me. I know I'm very I guess insecure, and afraid of being cheated on, I'm thinking b/c in my last serious relationship I cheated on my BF and he never found out. I'm still kind of young and VERY inexperienced when it comes to relationships. But I guess I really need to work on my insecurities, I have no idea why I'm so insecure, i guess I just lack confidence in myself and thats probably poison in a relationship. I do have a double standard, obviously lol, and I need to ease up on him before I push him away, need alittle trust for sure!
Thank you for be brutally honest, i needed that..
In regards to my child don't worry, we already came to an argeement that no matter what happens to us in our relationship we will be the best parents we can be. And yes I'm still young, but even older parents are working on improving their selves and their relationships. I think self improvement never ends. I don't believe my child will suffer in anyway from mommy still learning and growing. Parents are human too and don't have to be perfect before baby gets here. Plus, I come from a home where I never knew my parents we're fighting when they were b/c it was always behind closed doors, and if and when we do fight I'll we'll most definitely be the same way. but thats your opinon and I appreciate it, it helped me look at things differently..
Abbie
Abbie, do you have reason to feel insecure about him? Has he cheated in the past? It sounds as though your insecurities come from issues before him. If that's the case, it's really important for you to see a therapist to work through your insecurities so they no longer affect your life or your relationship. I'd also really urge the two of you to see a couples counselor to learn to work together better and to argue and fight in a way that's productive. It's a learned skill.
Speaking of.... I understand that no parent is perfect, no person is perfect. But, when you bring children into situations that are clearly troubled, it automatically puts the children at a disadvantage. I know you plan to do the best you can, but it's not logical to think you will be able to just "suck it up" and be a healthy couple. If you could do that, you wouldn't be having these problems now! I'll also tell you that my parents did the same as yours -- never fought in front of the kids. You know what the result is? Kids who grow up thinking that adults don't fight (which makes them think their relationships should have no fighting in them at all, which is not possible), it also raises kids who grow into adults that don't know how to fight/argue with their partner in a healthy, constructive manner because they have no examples to draw from. IMO kids should see their parents argue and disagree -- in a healthy, productive manner -- so that they can learn that arguing and disagreeing is a normal, natural thing and so that they can learn healthy, appropriate ways to deal with issues.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
He hasn't cheated on me (as far as I know). But he always says that I'll push him to the point of not caring anymore, and he'll eventually end up cheating if I keep up my controlling behaviour. For me I can't imagine cheating on someone ever again. In my last relationship a couple years before the current one I cheated on my BF several times early on in the relationship, but begin to feel really guilty about it, stopped, and let it eat me up the remainer of the relationship. And I was also only 20yrs old at the time and still very immature. I just kept thinking about how easy it was b/c my BF at the time was so trusting and he never accused me of it or caught me. I consider myself a good person with good values and all, but even I did something I never thought I'd do. I guess my insecurities come from not fully trusting myself, which sounds odd. I dunno, I'm just consumed with fear that my karma will come back and bite me in the you know what. I know I probably do need to see a therapist too, but I've always thought I could work this out on my own, maybe not.
My Bf and I love eachother a great deal, and I'm sure we'll do whatever we need to make our relationship better. We are constantly talking and learning to listen to each other better about our issues b/c I think we both truly want to make things work and be happy. I just didn't know if asking him not to keep a relationship that I thought was inappropriate was too much to ask for, and I still get contradicting advice on that subject. Usually most women tell me it is not right and men tell me that I'm being controlling. I gave up my behaviour that he thought was inappropriate and I thought that was what compromise in a relationship was all about.
About the child, it's alittle too late now, the baby will be here in 3 months so thats not even an issue. I can't send the baby back now (lol) nor would I want to. But all I can do is work my hardest to provide a positive safe environment for my child. And I figure by the time he is able to pick up on things that are going on between mommy and daddy, we damn well better have come to a stable place or we can raise our child together and just not be together. My boyfriend and I both come from divorced homes and both recognize consequences on the child that are the result of the parents "unhealthy" fighting and I gurantee neither one of us wants to put our child through any of the pain we went through. Although some pain for the child will be inevitable and possibly healthy. Meaning, what I've been through as a child has helped me to be who I am today, I think I am a stronger person for it. And I also don't have to live out the same mistakes my parents did b/c I learned from their mistakes, and I'm thankful they were able to provide that lesson for me without me having to go through it myself.
It sounds like you've got a much more serious problem than whether it's okay for your boyfriend to have a female friend or not, it sounds like you have some control issues that are affecting your relationship. They must be pretty serious for your boyfriend to make the predictions he did based on them. What's going on there? I hear you thinking you can handle it just fine, but you're demonstrating that you have a serious control problem that you haven't been able to end even though you know your boyfriend sees it as causing major damage to your relationship, and you've said you have some serious insecurities that have also been a problem for some time in your life. If these were issues you could work through and resolve on your own, you'd have already done that. The fact that they continue to be big problems for you personally and affect your relationship says you need help to deal with them.
I didn't mean that you should or could stop the baby from coming, but I was trying to impress upon you the importance of getting as much resolved as you can before the baby comes so that you're not affecting the baby's life too. The baby is going to add a huge amount of stress and strain on your relationship; if you're having problems now without a baby, you're bound to have some pretty big problems after. Lastly, it might seem like you've got time before the baby will be aware of what's going on, but believe me, the baby will be aware from day one. In fact, I can promise you if you're having loud arguments now the baby can hear them and is being affected from your uterus.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"